Summer 1971 - May
Age 13, Eighth Grade
"Go to the dance this Friday? Are you kidding?!?!?!? I'd be a
journal. At this point I'd been
diaries for several years already, but this was my first attempt at
takes me a while to get the hang of it.
Starring Sarah Miles, Robert Mitchum,
John Mills, Trevor Howard
... breathtaking seascapes ... and some fine acting are combined to
produce this Academy-award winning film. The story takes place against
the first World War in colorful Ireland, at a time when the bitterness
of war touched everyone. Rosie Ryan, portrayed by Sarah Miles, is a
young village girl who marries the local schoolteacher (Robert
Mitchum). Marriage is not as she had imagined it to be, and being
adventurous in spirit, she takes a lover (Christopher Jones). Her lover
is a much-hated British soldier, and when they are discovered the
villagers begin to hate her. When an attempt at a revolution fails due
to an unknown informant, the blame fall upon her. The entire village
mobs her and her husband, shearing off her hair, stripping her of her
clothes, and wounding her. The last scene shows Rosie and her husband
leaving town. This leaves the question: does Charles leave his wife, or
do they decide to start again?
coerced my Dad into taking me to see
"Ryan's Daughter" (at the new Southcenter Theater), mainly because all
eighth graders had
gone to see it. Then I sat there and squirmed in
complete mortification during the graphic sexual scenes.
without a single mistake ...
... a ragged pair of jeans ...
... a pen that doesn't skip OR a sharp pencil with an eraser ...
... lemon shampoo ...
... a canceled orthodontist appointment ...
... keeping your diary up to date ...
... reading old notes from friends (love notes are best) ...
... a new magazine ...
... a CLEAN bedroom! ...
... a baby sister ...
... a phone call from your favorite boyfriend ...
... Jesus ...
... a rainy day ...
... cheesecake and spumoni ice cream ...
... spelling your name wrong on purpose (Tari Lynne) ...
... 4:00 p.m. on Friday afternoons ...
... clean hair ...
... crying at a movie ...
... "Tregaron's Daughter" ...
... peppermint fudge ribbon ice cream cone to cheer up the blues ...
of thy mortal goods
thou art bereft
And of thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left,
Sell one; and with the dole
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.
summer I'd received my first kiss from a boy. It happened
my best friend Kim's house; her cute younger brother kissed me on
their patio. I assumed it meant we were Going Steady For Life.
honestly just don't know
what to think (about Pat). On the 21st, when I spent the night at
Kim's, he acted like he really cared. I was so happy! And then the
horrible night at the drive-in ... but NOW - what should I
can't be positive that it was Pat who called me here at Mom's
- but still, who else would tell Mom's
they're my 'boyfriend'? If it WAS
that means he probably isn't mad and he wanted to invite me somewhere.
But how would he get Mom's phone number, huh??
wish he'd call back!
Every time the phone rings, I jump half out of my skull! It's a good
thing he's coming to my school next year. So what if he's a
younger? At least I'll get to see him more.
obsessed with becoming a Sunset Junior High School cheerleader.
want to be a
I want to wear a black and gold sweater with a beautiful big "S" and my
name on it.
I want to wear the spiffy black beret, the short black skirt, the gold
socks, the black shoes.
I want to fix my hair in pigtails with little black ribbons.
I want to know all the songs and all the cheers and all the routines.
I want to jump and shout.
I want the whole seventh grade to idolize me.
I want to be known.
I want to shout encouragement to the guys that are fighting for our
I want to share a Coke with them after the game.
I want to have the kids hold my pom poms.
I want to giggle.
I want to cry when I've missed a step.
But most of all I want to be a cheerleader ...
OCTOBER 7, 1971 5:50 p.m.
(Aunt Bonnie and Elizabeth Ann were
"Tregaron's Daughter" by Madeleine Brent
Try it - you'll like it!
will the song of the man be the next song to go?"
song (from an episode of
"The Partridge Family" ... shut up) makes me ache to do
something relevant and
important - not something that I'll be recognized for, to gain status,
fame or wealth, but something to really help the world. I need a cause.
All this super-enthusiastic energy is piled up inside of me, just
bursting to get out and be used. I need something to sink my teeth into
... some project that will enable me to face God on Judgment Day and
say with complete and utter truth, "I stood up and was counted." I
could witness, I suppose, but that's not what I mean. A definate,
important cause where I come in contact with people, employing them to
help me. Then I could witness, while working side by side with them. I
guess I'll start tomorrow by pitching in with the Neighbors In Need
program sponsored by my church, collecting food ... then I could write
to some organization for info on how to start an Ecology Club.
else can ever
The part of me that can't let go
And I would give anything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home,
Yes I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again."
~ "Everything I Own," Bread
fell in love
-- painfully, unexpectedly, mostly
-- during a church youth conference in Bellingham.
The rest of
eighth grade was spent trying to get the fabulous Kenny
Robbins to notice me.
... sort of.
That's how I feel. A week ago I was at the Conference, and now I've got
nothing left but a few silly
momentos ... now I have this weird love
(futile) for Kenny Robbins, but now I've (also) found out that Tom
can remember two weeks ago I would have given my very soul if only Tom
would even notice me. And now he has, but I have nothing to
in return. I just can't feel anything for him, as much as I've tried.
I'm not a hypocrite, and to feign affection is impossible for me to
do. It's Kenny that I feel for now. I can't explain
Ever since he became a Christian, I've seen something in him, like a
magnet. He changed so drastically in just two days. I think I love him,
but I've tried to suppress this kind of emotion because under the
circumstances it could be pretty dangerous. After all, he probably has
just as big a crush on Kathy as I have on him. Whew, what a weird
I've hit my first
real spiritual plateau since the Conference ... I'm down in the dumps,
with a severe case of the blues, and it SHOWS. First of all, I've got a
nagging cold. Secondly, I've lost my best friend, Kim. I came to a
full realization of that today, when we had a fight and I saw how far
apart we've grown. Thirdly, I'm tired of being a loner. I've lost
practically all my friends, except a few babies who haven't
given up on their Barbie dolls and have crushes on David Cassidy and
Bobby Sherman (figuratively speaking). Fourthly, school is a complete
drag. Fifthly, it's pretty obvious that Tom doesn't like me (he's
avoiding me now). Sixthly, I have no hope of ever catching Kenny.
Seventhly, even my "supposedly" best friends at church have dumped me.
I sure must have a rotten personality - I just wish that I could step
down off my High And Mighty Ego Throne and realize that. Eighthly, I'm
a pretty bad Christian. Ninthly, my family is picking on me again (or
am I picking on them?) Tenthly, I'm ugly. Eleventhly, I'm beginning to
utterly DESPISE myself.
I've gone and told
you some of my troubles (believe me, there's LOTZ more) and I feel a
LITTLE better. At least I let off a little steam ...
got so much
homework!!! Spanish, Math, English, etc. etc. And I'm so lousy in P.E.
I'm going to make a fool out of myself on Friday, I know it, because I
can't even do a handstand or a cartwheel! Boy, I hope my kids
little more agile than their dear old Mom!! Well ...
ONE of them turned
out to be.
to the dance this
Friday? Are you kidding?!?!?!? I'd be a WALLFLOWER.
Oh! To be a
To feel the ecstasy of never being asked to dance.
To have a permanent seat,
Because you're attached to your chair.
Oh! To feel your hairdo and your makeup (two hours in the making)
Start to slide,
To feel your hands grow clammy
And your eyes grow feverish
To fight the everlasting fight against the presence of tears,
You don't want people to know that being a wallflower
Isn't all it's cracked up to be ...
I've had it with
You must really think your cool now, cutting me down. All I said was
that I liked your hair straight, what do you do? Throw a fit!! Just
like a child. 'Oh well I'm sorry,' is that your little saying now?
Believe me, your lucky I'm not mad, because a lot more things could
would be said if I was!!! Now I don't blame people when they say you're
stuck up and
Just forget it.
P.S. I'm not
up for you anymore!!! (don't ask me what I mean cause I'm not telling
I'm sorry, please
forgive me. I really mean it. It's just that I was in a bad mood
Lord is so
fantastic!!! Just last night I was praying to Him, after Bible Study
class at the Church. I was upset about the note Kim had sent me, really
upset, and I needed a shoulder to cry on. I said, "What should I do,
Lord?" and all of a sudden He told me to go look at my calendar. For
every day it has a memory verse, and the verse for the 10th
"Ps. 2:12 - Blessed are all they who put their trust in the
." So I prayed again, and this time I said "Lord, I put my full trust
in your will." The first thing this morning, Kim came running up to me,
and gave me the second note. I trusted the Lord, and He didn't fail me!
fourteen, my love life was already ridiculously complicated.
am I mixed up. Tom
(for sure) likes me. The way he acted at the dance Friday proved that.
But the thing is, I (only like him as) a friend. Oh sure, I USED to
really like him as more than that - he's cute, sweet and
and I can't understand why on earth I can't seem to muster any real
feeling for him. I suppose God just doesn't think he's Mr. Right For
Me, and He's trying to explain that to me.
for Kenny ... I still
have that lingering, inexplicable feeling for him. If
would just like me, it would solve everything, except then I
have to hurt Tom. But if Kenny doesn't like me, then he's hurting me
, and I would still have to hurt Tom. Either way ..
about my hair: Mom
has offered to take me to the beauty parlor and have my hair cut in a
curly shag, for my birthday. I'd love to, but everybody (Grandma, Kim,
Cynthia, etc.) acts like it would be the end of the world if I did. I
know I shouldn't let them influence me, but they've put doubts into my
mind. What to do?
November 16, 1971 5:30
Miss Popularity, you
really think you're something don't you? Now you don't have Tom OR
Kenny. Tom and I had a fight. I don't want to go into the details, so
all I'll say is that we're now OFF speaking terms. It's mostly my
fault, as usual. I really want to make up ... I think I've really hurt
him, but he is completely ignoring me.
I DON'T want
my hair cut.
"the Dark Ages" (Ha ha). Just remember, you're as far away from me as I
am from you!
does Rhonda Kozlowski hate
am I mad, but somehow
I've got to manage to keep my cool & maturity (what little I've
got). The thing is, I DESERVE this punishment, because I've done
something I shouldn't have, but even that knowledge doesn't make the
punishment any more bearable. I can only pray that one of Grandma's
formerly "annoying weaknesses" - the inability to make a punishment
stick - will come to my aid now. She is making me SO SICK, but the
damned truth of it is it's my fault. I suppose that now, all because of
me, she'll regress and start treating (my brother and I) like infants
again. One minute she acts almost human, the next ... heil Hitler.
think this was the night that Grandma & Grandpa went out for
evening, leaving my younger brother and I home without a
babysitter for one
of the first times ever. While they were gone, Dick
bike to the grocery store and bought us a frozen pizza for a snack,
thereby breaking not one but THREE
of Grandma's Commandments: 1.) Thou shalt
not leave the house after dark, 2.) Thou shalt not
the oven without supervision, and 3.) Thou shalt not eat
trendy junk food, even if every other kid on
the face of
the planet is allowed to eat
it. We were busted
when Grandma found the empty pizza box in the garbage. (We
weren't exactly master criminals, OK?) I should
that Grandma was very sick by this time, and her various illnesses and
medications were making her cranky. Throw
that together with my own
adolescent contrariness, and our household was not
pleasant place to be, a lot of the time.
I DO want my hair
never felt so cruel
in my whole life. As though Tom didn't have enough problems already,
today I told him that I only like him as a friend. And then I
him crying when he didn't think anybody saw him. But I can't help it
... feelings change, and that's just the way it is. Now I know how
I DON'T want my
that's it. Mom's
made an appointment for December 4 (a Saturday) to get my hair cut.
November 28, 1971
happy. Saw Kenny at
choir practice tonight - he really got to me. Boy, am I hooked!
don't want to go to
school tomorrow ... it's too boring. I wish something really EXCITING
would happen to spice up my life a little bit.
favorite songs are:
Pie" - Don McLean
"Day After Day" - Badfinger
"I Remember When" - The Osmonds
"Don't Do No Good To Cry " - The Poppy Family
tomorrow is D-day. I
am SO MIXED UP. To cut or not to cut (my hair) - that is the question.
December 4, 1971 about 9:00 A.M.
is it. In six hours
it will either be over and done with, or it will not been done at all.
Here I sit in my bed, with the cold drizzling rain coming down, with no
idea of what the future holds in store for me. Lucky girl, reading this
tonight: at least you don't have to worry like this anymore. This is
the climax of what's been mounting for days. I'm not sure whether or
not it's too late to change my mind - if it isn't, well, I'll probably
end up ducking out (or at least giving it a try) - but if it is too
late, I'm stuck with come-what-may. After this day is over, I can't
come back and undo what's been done, and vice versa. It will be REALLY
too late to do anything anymore. That's what scares me.
for Pete's sake, we're talking about a HAIRCUT
here, not a kidney transplant ...)
see, I'd be willing to
get my hair cut in a cute shag for a number of reasons. 1.) They're
popular 2.) I think that I would look good in one 3.) I'd like a change
from long, straight hair 4.) They're easy (I hope) to take care of 5.)
I could probably grow it back if I didn't like it. BUT - I am so dumb
on the subject. I've never had to really take care of my hair -
setting, styling, etc. - and now, if I get it cut, I'm slated,
COMMITTED to it. There will be no way out. I know it's impossible, but
I really wish that I could "try on" this hairstyle for a trial run ...
to see how it looks, how my friends like it, etc. - and then, if I
didn't like it, it would grow back. Well, I can dream, can't I?
thing - what on
earth are my friends going to say? Especially Tom, Kenny, Kim, Sandy
... that really matters to me. If it is badly cut, I'll never live it
down. Their opinions really mean a lot to me.
ten hours from now
will I be singing (to the world): "You were absolutely right
been right all along You're absolutely right And I was wrong."
will I, happy and excited, shout out: "Bye, bye Miss American
Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry And good ol' boys were
drinking whiskey and rye ..." (That doesn't make any sense,
when you're happy you say crazy things.)
What time did Mom come? 12:30
How did I feel? Scared!!!!!!
Did we talk about it? Yeah,
a little bit
DID I GET IT CUT? Yes
DO I LIKE IT? Sort
last question really
wasn't fair. When I first got out of the salon, I thought I was going
to die. Lydia, the gal that did my hair, had teased it and sprayed it
so much that I looked like a real goon, and I HATED
it. Now, though, it's come down a lot and I LOVE it!! It's so light,
and bouncy, and cute. I can wear it so many ways.
December 7, 1971
hair is just fine, BUT
- if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't cut it.
1/2 an hour, I will be
exactly 14 years old - feels weird saying it. The year of age 13 has
been pretty good, filled with a lot of firsts, (and) a lot of lasts. It
the year of my braces, getting my hair cut, my first kiss, etc. The
year just zipped by, really.
got weird news - I
couldn't believe it myself - I like Tom again!
12 whole days of Christmas vacation!!! Yipeee! School is a BORE,
especially 4th period math (Mr. Kemp)
Don't Come Easy" -
"JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR" !
Kenny, do you like Terri?"
Pam: "As a friend?"
Kenny: "No, as more than
Kenny: "Yeah, but I wish
I could see her more
often than once a week ..."
I believe what my ears
are telling me? Can I believe what Pam told me? Can I believe my racing
pulse, my throbbing heart, my dizzy brain? Could it be? ... dare I
hope? is there a chance????
LOVE him, love love love
love him. Has he, perchance, taken a step in my direction? Hope so,
hope so. Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening ...
December 18, 1971
swear, I dreamt about
him all night.
night was one of the
grooviest nights in my whole life. Our church group went skating
(roller) out in Auburn, and Kenny was there. Karen was too - she kept
insisting that Kenny still loves her, but it was pretty obvious that he
doesn't. (Later Pam asked him - first he said that he hates her, and
then later on he said "As a friend I guess.") Anyway, I was in top
form, looking good (despite a big ol' quarrel with Doug Mattson, who
me but I only like him as a friend.) Kenny kept talking to me - once he
came up and hit me (love tap?) with a big grin on his face, another
time he skated up behind me and put his arms around my waist real fast,
sating "gotcha." He smiled at me, talked to me, gave me part of his
home, Karen sat
down next to him (on the bus), but due to some clever scheming Pam
& I gave him a chance to move while we got Karen out of the
talking to us. So, he ended up directly across the aisle from me. We
sat there, so close together, his legs around mine (he tied knots in my
kept the knots in my shoelaces until I outgrow that pair
of wafflestompers. Ahh, young love.
in love again
(Rain, aluminum skies
You can't touch me anymore)
I'm in love again.
Oh MR. Cupid,
Have you come calling,
Leaving your calling card?
December 21, 1971
still likes me, he
really does. Somehow a rumor went around school that I hated him (not
true, not true!) and he heard it. Wow, was he hurt. But I just don't
know what to do. I really dig Kenny, but I like Tom too. (Kenny first.)
But I still am not sure whether or not Kenny likes me yet. A bird in
Find a corner
Where I can hide
But I can see ..."
"No Sugar Tonight," The
December 22, 1972
me. At least, that's how he acted last night when we went Christmas
sure, he was "nice" to me, and talked with me, but the all-mighty Kathy
Nelson was there too, and why should he like lowly little old me when
he has her around? I just don't get it.
The Lord can
see how earnestly I love (Kenny), but still my love isn't returned.
I've tried everything - I've even had a friend pray for me (I've prayed
too). So why? It just isn't fair. Everything is going wrong nowadays,
if he would just like me as a girlfriend it would make up for all the
bad things. I'm crying ... I love him so much. Why? Why ... ?
My empty soul is exposed
Penetrate me with your coldness
And let me die.
List Ideas 1971
- "Aggravation" game
Flashlight & batteries
V. - Dish towel (what a dumb
S. - Guest soaps
Bonnie - Bubble bath
- Pantsuit & squeaky
Uncle Jerry - cookies
don't know yet
perfume & pin
Gifts this year:
Dick - Cat Stevens
album ("Teaser & The Fire Cat")
- record player
Brown & white sweater, lip
S. - Vest, stationery
& G Vert - Air brush
Bonnie - white crocheted sweater
Jerry - yellow sweater, belt,
rust colored skirt
I'm keeping my mouth shut to hide the new braces
January 19, 1972
Ledger, haven't I? Sorry ... but I have such good news - my heart is
just spilling out all over the place, I'm so happy.
of all, I should be
at school today, but I have an orthodontist appt. for 12:00 and just
decided to play it lazy and stay home all day. I hate Monday anyway ...
trudging back to start another dreary week of preterite tense verbs,
Pythagorean triangles and peanut butter sandwiches. When
rings in the morning, shattering my cozy little cocoon of a dream and
dragging me with it into a cold, dark, sleepy world, I wish there
wasn't any such thing as school.
what I wanted to
tell you about was my life right now. I'm just barely managing to hang
onto the outskirts of the so-called ‘in group' ...
not that I especially WANT to be numbered among their
ranks, but because I want to belong somewhere. Sometimes I think Kim
doesn't realize I'm alive ... she probably thinks I've retired or
something. She's off in the superior company of Denise or Naomi or Kim
H., so I'll just let her be. I guess she's happier where she is.
don't think that I
am entirely friendless - that's not the case. I have plenty of friends.
me!!! (Kenny, that is.) During this past week I had sort of given up on
him. I even had myself convinced that I liked this really nice new guy
at our church, Doug Lombard. And really, for a short while there, Doug
did sort of turn me on, with all this enthusiasm for the Lord and his
Greek god face, but I know now that he was merely a temporary diversion
to get my thoughts off Kenny for a while, and cool off. Now, though,
I'm just as charged over Kenny as ever. See, I was sitting at
choir last night, on a hard wooden bench in the front row. Kim
(Gilbert) was on my left, and sitting beside her were Kenny and Doug,
in that order. I was concentrating on Doug - you know, trying to
convince myself that I was madly in love with him. I was watching him
out of the corner of my eye, when suddenly I felt a pair of big brown
eyes watching me. I knew, without looking, that Kenny was watching me.
"Don't LOOK at him!" I muttered within myself. I had just realized,
without really wanting to, that all this excitement about Doug was a
self-created ruse, and that if I looked at Kenny I might find
myself falling for him again. After all, it was those eyes (and what
radiated from them) that attracted me in the first place. But I did
look, and naturally I fell for him all over again. (Doug
who??) Kenny was sort of cool and semi-distant most of the
and during the evening service. Somehow I knew he was making a last,
desperate try to win Kathy, even though his efforts were futile. Kathy
is definately going with someone else now.
was after the service
that things really got rolling. Most of the people went home, so it was
just Kenny, (my brother) Dick and me fooling around. We stayed 45 extra
minutes. He acted like he cared ... he said silly things, he brushed
his hands on my cheeks or arms ("by accident," ha ha), he playfully
pushed me around. We played catch, we pretend-argued. I still love him,
and I guess I always will.
January 16, 1972
night our church
group went to a Sonics basketball game. I hung around Laura Fisher most
the night, and Kenny sat in front of us. I watched him a lot, just kind
of mooning over him. He was pretty quiet except he talked to all the
girls who sat by him. Laura asked him if it was true that he had
actually kissed Karen & told her he loved her last
DID! Oh, how horrible. I just don't get it. Kathy managed to
his attention. So did Karen. So did Laura, for a while. Why doesn't he want me
? He'll act like
he cares, like he did last Sunday night, and then he'll turn right
around and ignore me. Is there something wrong with me? I just don't
I'll see him tonight
at choir, at least. Then I'll know, maybe.
January 17, 1972
5:30 at night
am so super nervous, I
can barely manage to hang onto my seat. My heart is pounding, my eyes
are feverish, my pulse is racing, my skin is cold. I feel like I could
die. I'm sitting on the floor of my closet, with the door closed,
leaning against some old cartons of books. It's like my own little
world in here, and I love it, except for one thing - it's so cold in
here! I really shouldn't mind though, I guess, because all this cold
air helps me experience my emotions more acutely. Weird.
I wanted to relate,
though, were the happenings of the past 24 hours.
night Kenny was at
choir, as usual. I looked really AWFUL - too much goop on my eyes,
baggy jeans, my hair all wild, flushed, glassy eyes. I looked like a
witch, or worse. Anyway, after the service, Karen talked to Kenny about
me (I asked her to). Here, to some extent, is how the conversation
"Hey Kenny, Terri likes you."
Kenny: (sort of
exasperated) "Yeah, I know."
Karen: "Do you like
Kenny: "Well ... as a
good friend. Maybe more,
maybe less - I don't know."
Karen: "Do you like
Kenny: "There's this
girl at my school, and
well, see, tomorrow I'm going to find out if she likes me."
Karen: "What's her
Karen: "What if she
doesn't like you?"
Kenny: "Then I'll
probably like Terri."
have mixed feelings
about this whole thing. Normally I would absolutely jump at the chance
to be Kenny's girlfriend, but in all my prayers and dreams, I never
wanted it like this. I mean, well ... second hand?
Besides, if this Ramona kid is a normal, red-blooded American girl,
she'll probably like Kenny. Then won't that be sweet -- "Kenny
Ramona." So, deep down inside of me, I know I haven't got a chance. But
I still sort of wish Kenny would like me for what I am, instead of
simply because I'm the only girl left. I feel like a piece of
wow, I'm really mixed
is going to call him
tonight and find out how things went with his darling Ramona. I'm
scared stiff. What if the answer is no, he doesn't like me? I'll die,
I'll simply die. I'm just going to stop being as "friendly" around him
as I have been, following him around, talking to him, etc. I'm not
going to IGNORE him, exactly, just be a little more reserved. I've got
to learn to stop throwing myself at his feet, as much as I love him.
Any time now Karen should be calling me ...
January 18, 1972
didn't call, but she
talked to him. He says he doesn't know if Ramona likes him or
January 19, 1972
ignored me completely
at church tonight, but was watching me.
January 21, 1972
I'm going swimming
with the church. I hope that Kenny shows up ... I've just got to see
him. He's always on my mind.
mother, Karen Mae Torgrimson St. John Vert Hansen Smith
wed her fourth husband,
on the night of January 14, 1972.
Mom & Ken on their wedding day
Later 9:30 p.m.
now try & get
this: after totally IGNORING me on Wednesday night, tonight at our
swimming party he a bundle of luv. ??????
went to Red Shield
Pool. I practically died when I found out the
girls had to
wear swimming caps - I look terrible in them, like a bald eagle with
ears - and I almost refused to swim. I'm glad I wasn't so
self-conscious. I fixed (the swim cap) pretty good, so that it didn't
look too rotten, and then forgot about it.
first, I just dived a
lot. Then I played around in the shallow area - that's where the action
was! Kenny and Jim ganged up on me and dunked me, over and over again.
Every once in a while Kenny would dunk me by himself. He acted like he
cared (again). It may sound dumb, but he acted like he was taking every
opportunity to touch me. The feel of his arms around me ... I could
him, I just DO.
Ramona doesn't like
him!!!! (hope, hope) Anyway, he sure didn't act like a guy with another
January 22, 1972
In my bed 9:18
so easy to think now,
at this quiet hour in the morning.
been doing a lot of
thinking lately, mostly about myself, my future, where I'm going.
Sometimes I wonder about time. It may sound dumb, but I think that time
is made up of thousands of different stages, and all of these stages
are alive right now. Weird, huh?
mood ... snuggled up
in my nice little bedroom, safe from the cold outdoors. Beethoven on
the record player - Opus 1, No. 3 Trio in C minor for piano, violin and
cello - the second selection, "Andante cantabile con
Lovely. Scents of stew for dinner floating up from the kitchen.
big pile of new library books. A semi-neat bedroom. Dirty
Church tomorrow. A ski retreat coming up next
didn't know it, but these
were the final moments of my childhood.
January 23, 1972
minutes to nine
to choir and evening
service tonight, but Kenny wasn't there. What a waste. Karen called him
- he said he didn't want to go because he "forgot." Some excuse.
he remarked that he
didn't know if Ramona likes him yet or not. So - I'm still on his
"list." How thrilling.
Love List 1/72
... Wonderful, sexy, exciting Ramona -
gorgeous, lovely, fascinating -
Nice, sweet, COOL RAMONA !!!!!
2. Terri - a "good
friend," in case Ramona doesn't like him.
January 27, 1972
feel like I'm trapped
inside a cage ... my whole world is closing in on me, fast. Things are
going from bad to worse.
likes Kenny. What
more can I say? I don't have any hope left at all. Karen told me today.
I feel like my life is going down the drain. I've lost Kenny, I've lost
my best friend Kim. I'm at the very bottom of the social wheel. My
dropping. My family life is getting worse.
wrong with my grandmother. She acts like she's got a monkey on her
back. No, make that a GORILLA. She has one king-size-super-deluxe
hangup on something, that's for sure, and Dick and I are her main
I wish I had a
Where no one else could find me
I'd sing my songs and dream my dreams
With nothing to remind me-o
Of the world outside
The cruel cruel world
Of bitter words and pain-o,
But in my land of happiness
Far from the chilling rain-o,
Far from the chilling rain-o.
Oh I'd be there
you'd be there
Together we'd discover
That love and happiness are found
By being with each other!
Far ... from ... the ...
The cruel cruel world
Of greediness and sorrow
But in our land of happy times
There'd always be tomorrow,
There'd always be tomorrow.
I wish I had a hideaway
Where no one else could find me -
And all my troubles, woes and fears
I'd gladly leave behind me ... in ...
The world outside
The cruel cruel world
Of bitter words and pain-o
But in my land of happy times
Far from the chilling rain-o
Far from the chilling rain-o.
idea for a great book someday:
Wise, Profound and Sometimes Profane Sayings
of Viola M. Vert
& edited by
Grade, Semester 1
Spanish - A!
P.E. - A!!!! (Shock!)
English - A
Math - C
History - A!
Home Ec - B
depressed, for no reason at all. Everything looks bleak. I have no
energy. School tomorrow - ugh.
still feel down in the
dumps. Part of me wants to go to choir tonight, but the other part of
me says I shouldn't.
minutes ago I was so
mad and full of hate, I just wanted to lash out and yell and hurt
anybody in sight. Especially my grandmother. Lord, I hated her! But now
I'm just filled with this calm, beautiful love and peace. I achieved it
with my music ... I played "Atlantis," and after that everything was
hath charms to
soothe the savage beast" ... Praise the Lord!
hate this horrible "time
of the month," it's so inconvenient.
and more I've been
thinking about going back to Tom. Especially now, when I've lost Kenny
permanently. Why? For several reasons. He still likes me. I don't want
to be alone. He's cute.
world narrowly came to
a screeching halt in the middle of the night last night: Grandma had a
went to the Nicky Cruz
Crusade last night with my youth group, and we got back about 11:00. I
was all excited because Kenny had told Karen that Ramona didn't like
him, and that he only liked her as a friend ("If she doesn't
me, I guess I'll like Terri"). Anyway, when I went home,
was in bed. I peeked in on her as she slept, and I remember thinking
how old and tired she looked. I went to bed then, and as I lay there,
quietly listening to my radio, suddenly there was noise downstairs. I
could hear Grandma talking in a pained, high pitched voice, and though
I couldn't make out what she was saying, I sensed trouble. Grandpa was
moving around, running water, etc., and he slammed my door shut. I was
scared. A while later I distinctly heard Grandma say, "Paul, call
Terri." He did, and in a flash I was downstairs.
the next fifteen
minutes I helped my frantic grandfather look up Dr. Smith in the
telephone directory. We called him. Apparently Grandma was having
severe chest pains. She called me into the bedroom a couple of times,
just to be with her. I was practically in shock inside, but I managed
to keep up a calm exterior. I kept pinching myself to see is this was
some kind of ghoulish nightmare. I was thinking, "It's
it's finally happening."
doctor asked if she
had taken her nitro tablet. She had. He said that if the pains
continued, that she should take another one in fifteen minutes. In a
half hour, if she still wasn't better, we were to take her to the
hospital. It was about midnight. Grandpa looked at me and said "You'd
better go to bed - there's nothing you can do." I went, gladly, but I
was positive that I wouldn't be able to sleep.
I went to bed I
went to my brother's bedroom and shook him gently. He awoke, and I
blurted out thoughtlessly "Dick, Grandma's dying." "What?!" he cried,
and I quickly took back my words. I told him that she had had a mild
heart attack, and what the doctor had said.
slept for two hours.
When I awoke, people were rustling around downstairs. I heard strange
men's voices, and the rustling of plastic. I got up and began to pace.
Outside, the lights of the ambulance were flashing. Dick was awake I
guess - I really can't remember. I had just reached for this ledger and
a pen when somebody opened my door downstairs and fumbled at my broken
light switch. I made a dash for my bed. It was Marian, our next door
she said, and
when I answered, she said "I want you to come with me to go
your Aunt Bonnie." I was in real shock.
right," I said.
saying a couple of words to Dick, I jumped into the nearest clothes I
could find - my jeans, my underwear, and the good blouse that I had
worn to the Nicky Cruz Crusade. I had it on inside out, but I was too
distraught to notice. I put on my boots without any socks, grabbed my
coat and ran downstairs.
was gone - I
hadn't even heard the ambulance leave. The whole time, I was praying.
Marian had gone next door to get the car, and while I waited for her to
pick me up I reflected quietly on how still and empty the house seemed.
On impulse, I went to Grandma's bed and felt the sheets. They
still warm from where she had laid. Marian parked in front of the
house. It was raining; I shivered in the cold. Sliding into the front
seat I was frozen and scared. It seemed like an endless drive. (Marian)
tried to make conversation by saying something like, "The roads are
still slushy." I grunted in reply, but I was content to merely sit in a
daze and watch the supermarkets and houses and trees speed by. I
remember reading the words "Banquet Frozen Dinners" on the sign outside
of Albertsons and thinking, "I've
got to remember that." All sorts of
things were spinning through my mind ... the ski trip, and what would I
wear to (Grandma's) funeral ... that's how messed up my brain was.
passed right by Aunt
Bonnie's apartment building, and had to turn around and go back. There
weren't any parking spaces so we just left the car in the middle of the
lot, overlooking the swimming pool. As I walked solemnly to her
apartment, I looked at the pool and remembered the happy days I had
spent there last summer. How I longed to go back in time! We pushed her
doorbell. Inside, the baby (my cousin, Elizabeth Ann) started to cry
and the dog started yapping, but there was no answer. Finally, Marian
knocked and said, "Bonnie, this is Marian and Terri." Immediately she
opened the door. Marian explained why we were there, and for a moment
Aunt Bonnie looked like she was going to faint. But immediately she
perked up. I got the hunch that she and Marian were trying to act
cheerful because of my presence.
Bonnie packed a few
things, got the baby, and in a few minutes we were on our way home.
Once more Marian gave her line about "The roads are still slushy." In
the back seat I smiled wryly and thought, "Now she has a more receptive
we got back
to our house, I entertained the wide-awake baby while they
the hospital. They decided to both go to the hospital and pick up
Grandpa, who had ridden over to White Center Hospital with the
ambulance. They left. I attempted to put the baby to bed with me, but
she kicked and gurgled and pulled my hair, so we went downstairs to
play for a while. After a while Aunt Bonnie and Grandpa came back, and
I went to bed.
this date (Monday)
she's still in the hospital, under observation, but from what I gather
she's been doing pretty OK.
now back to what REALLY matters in life
February 8, 1972
can't wait until the
(church) retreat! Imagine ... at least 52 solid hours near
February 10, 1972
hours from now I'll be
at the church, on my way to the retreat. At this point I'm starting to
feel those butterflies.
worried about my hair.
I washed it yesterday, and already it's starting to look yuck-y. Good
thing I packed my dry shampoo ... I'm really going to need it! I didn't
set my hair yesterday ... I wanted to see if it could hold its own.
Apparently it can't. It's straight as a board, no wave, no body, no
bounce. I guess I'll have to set it on electric rollers and pray for
good results. After 6 hours of school, though, by the time we leave
it'll probably be yucky again. Oh well. I'll cross my fingers. I really
do want to look nice.
hours. How will I last
till then? I won't. MY HAIR LOOKS CRUMMY!!!!!!
2/11-13/72 Ski Retreat
To be filled out any time after 7 p.m., 2/13/72
Terri Vert, thought
this trip was terrible
I had a bad
time. The best part was: going over
there (!!!!), and the worst part
night & that crummy note I wrote.
I would like to relive this trip to do
things differently. Kenny acted
Sweet 2. Aloof, and he 1. did 2. didn't
act like he
likes me. All in all, I had: heartbreak!
this point, I feel only
great sorrow and anger at myself for not handling things differently.
funny how you think
you know a person and suddenly you find out how wrong you were.
Actually, it isn't funny
... it's cruel, and it
four months I've been
living under the misconception that Kenny was some sort of God. I
practically worshipped him ... he invaded my dreams, my thoughts. I
wrote his name over and over again. I counted the days until I could go
to church or choir or Bible Study and see him. I imagined all sorts of
romantic situations, with me always saying and doing the right things
to capture his heart.
write "loved," in the
past tense like that, is so painful and so hard it makes me want to
cry, because I know deep inside I still do love him. But no matter how
hard I try, things will never be the same again as they were. And it's
MY fault. He liked me, Ledger. He told
during the ride over. He talked to me. We layed together on
floor (of the bus) for at least half an hour. He sat beside me. I
should have been in ecstasy. Instead, I was withdrawn, quiet, pensive.
I didn't talk hardly at all: I just sat and thought, feeling awkward
and tongue-tied. And that turned him off, just like it turned off
Brian. I was a drag.
I wrote Kathy this
really dumb letter, about how much Kenny means to me and all
bunk, and she SHOWED it to him. That letter represented my innermost
feelings, my very soul. I was exposing a very personal, delicate side
I ever love again?
Will I ever find somebody who understands me and loves me for what I
have found such a person
... Jesus Christ. He loves me for what I am inside of me, and He always
will. He will never forsake me, even in my times of deepest sorrow and
depression, for His love is so steadfast and so perfect that I am lost
in it forever. He cannot fail; and He will not allow me to sink. Even
though I may be forsaken by all on this earth, and trampled into the
dust, He will pick me up. He will soothe my broken heart and kiss my
brow, and the turmoil inside of me will cease. I can my find my refuge
in the Lord, forever and ever, Amen!
Nelson, do admit that I was seen floating in my living room by Admiral
Future Children (I
Girl Names: Denna Jeanne, Heather
Leigh, Denise Marie
Names: Ryan Alexander,
Christopher Allan, Patrick Kenneth
want 3 children, 2 girls
and a boy. For example: 1. Denna Jeanne, 6 yrs. old 2. Ronna Leigh, 4
yrs. old 3. Ryan Alexander, 1 yrs. old
was almost completely dead-on here, wasn't
genders, birth order and age ranges, I mean.)
am hungry for some nice,
hot toast with butter and grape jelly. Yum!
- Baked potatoes
butter, sour cream, onion & bacon bits
mint ice cream
beef, potatoes and brown gravy
kind of woman do you think I am?"
week ago right now ...
... oh, KNOCK IT OFF, TERRI!!!! You're going to make yourself
reliving those memories.
we all know it's
Yesterday has passed
Now let's all start living
For the one that's going to last.
Don't you feel the day is coming
That will stay and remain
When your children see the answers
That you saw the same;
When we shake off the ancient
The ancient chains of our tomb
We will all be born again
Of the eternal womb.
Cat Stevens, "Yesterday
you notice that these
days, since I've lost my true love, I do more scribble-scribbling and
less serious writing?
WATERS run DEEP.
That's me. On the outside I'm a quiet nothing. Too bad they
see my "deep" insides.
is for corns
Kirk, rest in
FOO!" (quoted from
Regina H. & Denise LeC.)
1972 (leap year!!)
been a little while
since I wrote in you, Ledger, I know, and I'm sorry - but ever since
that horrible retreat and my shattered heart (‘sob sob') I've
found it hard to do much of anything.
haven't seen Kenny for a
long, long time, and frankly I don't care. I'm pretty sure that I've
gotten over him, even though I haven't found anybody "special" yet. He
is just something that has past, and I've gradually gotten over him. I
was pretty hurt, that's for sure, but I've come to realize that this
has happened before, and that in each situation I've managed to mend my
broken heart and find somebody new. So why should this time be any
likes me, even though 2 people have told him I don't like him, except
as a friend. (Boy was he mad!!!) But now, get this - he asked his best
friend, Tim, to ask me to go to the dance with him for him. That is
just too much!!!! I said (when Tim asked me) "You've got to be kidding
... why doesn't he just ask me himself?"
goes, "Well, he asked me to
didn't know what to say! Penny was standing
and she goes, "She hates Tom!"
not!" I said. "I
just ... well ..."
why don't you go to the dance with him?" said
I'm sure, so he can sit there and ignore me," I said
sarcastically. What could I do?
9:05 at night
what a day!
Doug Mattson was sweet
all day long (that's who I like now - he called me last night) but of
course he flirts with all the girls. He got a hold of some of my old
6th grade summer camp pictures (I look like an absolute queer!) via
Lynne Bosckis (the rat) and he teased me about them.
Tracy Clairmont, some kid at
school that I've known since forever but never paid much attention to,
likes me now (at least that's what Pam says).
I drew some pictures
(cartoons) for the annual - hard work! But fun!
profanity but that's how I feel. Now I'm slated, practically committed
to go to the dance with Tom, and I DON'T WANT TO
came up to me after
school and goes, "Are you going to the dance with me
was absolutely stunned. I thought I'd made it clear to him that I
didn't like him, 'cept as a friend. I guess I hadn't. "Well ... uh ...
I don't know," I said. Then I got a hold of my senses and said, "If you
wanted me to go with you, why didn't you ask me yourself instead of
sending Tim to
didn't!" he said. "He
just said to me, ‘If I can get Terri to say she'll go to the
dance with you, will you go?' and I said yeah. I didn't ask you before
because I didn't know how I was getting on with you."
wanted to sink into the
ground and shout, "You're NOT getting on
with me, you
idiot! I DON'T like you, don't, don't, don't!" Instead, I just said
sweetly, "Well, I don't know - it's not because of you or anything,
it's just because I'm not sure if I can (go to the dance) or not."
just nodded and said
"Oh," and I walked away.
would this sound?
I like you a whole lot, as a
real good friend, but I'm
going with someone else. I didn't tell you before because Regina said
she'd already told you, but I guess you didn't understand. It just
wouldn't be fair to him if I two-timed him by liking you. I hope you
understand, and aren't mad, but I like him too, and I'm going with him.
Please don't be mad.
I don't like you, so just get off my back please before I get my steady
boyfriend to knock you off.
Please try and understand, but I can't go with you to the dance and I
can't hang around you at all, because I'm going with somebody else now,
and I can't 2-time him.
short & cruel.
Or how about THIS:
Thank you for asking, but I won't be able to go to the dance with you.
March 5, 1972 9:15 p.m.
I went to church
after a long, long leave of absence.
a while I was under
the horribly mistaken impression that I liked Brad Hemingway, Brian's
brother. He and Karen and I walked to the store together in the pouring
down rain (Karen likes him, I think), and I watched as he spent a
DOLLAR on candy and junk. You know what he did with it? Sat there and
ate it during evening service, during the sacrament of the
Communion. He and Karen sat there next to me, talking &
& laughing (during the service), and it made me so mad!
wasn't there, and I
was sort of disappointed and sort of relieved. I'm not sure if I am
emotionally ready to see him again.
I like anybody, I guess
it would have to be this really nice guy at our church, Brian W.
not much to look at, but his head and his soul are really together.
He gave me a ride home, and we talked for a while,
don't think there's anything special between us, yet. I hate to rush
things. Situations like this work out better when they are natural,
unhurried and unplanned.
at our school, there
is this really far-out guy named Norman S. that I could really
to like. Like Brian, he isn't cute except in a natural way, but he's
got the soul of a poet. He's so quiet and sensitive, and I think he's
so sweet. I told Miss Langlitz (English teacher and good friend) that I
"wish I knew him better."
Tom - this is what I
did. During 3rd period English I asked Miss Langlitz if I could go to
my locker, and she said OK. While I was gone, Penny leaned over to
Regina and said (within Tom's hearing) "Regina, did you know that Brad
asked Terri to go with him last night?" They talked about it for a
while (making sure Tom could hear). Finally Tom broke in and said,
"What's this?" Penny goes, "Oh, Brad asked Terri to go with him last
she going with him?"
kind of mad, and for the rest of the day he was withdrawn and angry.
afternoon on the bus
home, he sat down in the seat across the aisle from Penny (she told me
about it later). He was still mad, and he goes "Who's this Brad
goes (ad-libbing) "Just some kid at her church - why?"
"Well, the least she could do would be to tell ME."
got the world to
hold me up!
(again on the bus)
"Did you know that Terri broke up with Brad?"
... now she's going with
Pat." (More lies)
there ever a Brad in the first
"Wuh ... of COURSE
there was. Why?"
I asked Laura Payne, she goes
to Terri's church, and she says there isn't any Brad there."
the bus, Tom kept
pushing, shoving and hitting Penny, acting like a real child. After a
while Penny just couldn't take it anymore.
"The way you're acting, that's why you never got nowhere with Terri!"
Penny: "She is
Tom: "She is
too! You can just tell her
to fuck off, and you too."
feel really bad that he
harbors such bad thoughts against me, and I told Penny so. She said,
"Oh, he still likes you, but he's just mad because you don't like him."
just feel all confused.
the test-tube of
Substance still unknown
GOOD movie: "Robinson
Crusoe on Mars" It sounds corny but it isn't!
hope I'm not boring
you, my friend (my daughter? my son? my niece? my sister?) (The entire Internet
March 19, 1972
really super downcast
worried. I want to go on the retreat next month, very badly, but there
are only 2 (maybe only 1) girls' spots still open, and if I don't get
$5.00 down payment in TONIGHT I can't go. Rob said he'd hold a space
open for me, but the thing is, I may not get to church on time tonight
- I may not get to go at all. Of all the crummy days for Grandpa to
have to work late!!!!
not getting there
that worries me, it's the $ situation. I approached Grandma about it,
and she was about as unenthusiastic as you can get. I'm scared. I want
to go so much -
Kenny is going. Even though
I'm not as madly in love with him as I used to be, I'd still like to
see him again and see if we're still friends at least. Hope so.
wonder what kind of
mother I'm going to be. (If.) I hope I'll be a good
hate to have my kids hate me because I was a crummy (mother).
with the Lord on my side, how could I fail?
now, 14 years old, I
wish I could know my kids now, see what they'll be like, etc. - but
mostly I'd like them to know me as a kid. Because, well, I just can't
imagine MY mom as ever being 14 years old. Her past seems so far away
and unreal. I think of her as she is now - I just can't seem to see her
& Dad as a young teenage married couple. It's impossible.
this is your
dear old Mom writing to you, only the thing is you're not even born
yet. Weird, huh? In fact, I probably haven't even met your father yet
(maybe I have, but I can't know that yet, can I?) I just want to say,
hi, and I hope you like me. (stupid thing to say.)
says: HI. (He always has so much to say ...) Right now he's a
freckle-faced, shaggy-haired 13 year old (a BRAT sometimes) that loves
basketball, is on our school track team, and hates girls. He claims
he's never, ever getting married. (I always tease him.)
I just waved
at my stomach (after all, that's where you are right now, right?) You
just had an idea,
son/daughter ... I'm going to save this ledger for you
until your 14th
is really shaping
going to try out for
cheerleading sometime real soon - first, we had a meeting today of all
the 7th & 8th grade girls interested in joining Pep Club next
I have to turn in a written application, and then 2 weeks from next
Thursday, I have to give an oral speech in front of a bunch of
teachers, some counselors, and this year's Yell Staff on why I want to
be in Pep Club. In the meantime, the cheerleaders will be coaching all
girls interested in trying out for cheer on the school song, the
motions and everything. If I make Pep Club, then I have a chance at
Cheer. All the girls trying out (about 30 or so) will do the school
song in front of the advisory board, who will pick 12 finalists. These
12 will then officially try out in front of the whole school. The
student body will vote on the six best, and those six will be next
year's Yell Staff. The girl who receives the most votes is Queen.
is my prediction:
Kelly C. or Kim H., Kathy H., Denise M., Lori N., Anita S., Terri V.
(vanity, thy name is Terri). I know I'm probably wrong about that last
one, but I can't help hoping ...
going to mean work,
work, work to get in shape, but if that's what it takes, that's what
just a service of records, but a 50 year record of service)"
finger hurts like
anything - this morning I crushed it in the door. ouch
was wrong. All the girls
trying out for cheer have to do a screening cheer in front of the
advisory board, not the school song. That's where the cheerleaders
demonstrate a really hard cheer three or four times, and then you have
to do it. The 12 best then try out in front of the school.
think I've made a big
mistake, spreading that lie around school about having stitches, just
to get me out of P.E. It's just going to get me into trouble, I know
think, Anthony?" Well, I, er, uh ...
DEAD OR ALIVE REWARD
"TIN GRIN TERRI"
for scraggly hair, blotchy
heavy legs, crooked teeth,
and ambition to be a cheerleader
even though she doesn't possess status in
the "in group" of her class.
Easter Vacation 2:00 p.m.
feel so wonderful ...
all calm and peaceful inside. Lately, I've been in a turmoil over
something or other all of the time, and it's so pleasant to have no
immediate, pressing worries. I just washed my hair, and now I'm sitting
outside, taking advantage of the wonderful, rare sunshine. This is the
first time that I've felt like this since last summer, when I was
staying with Mom and Ken. That doesn't seem very long ago, but it was
eight whole months. Wow, does time ever pass quickly!!!
so beautiful out. I'm
sitting at the picnic table, beneath the two sprawling apple trees. (My
dog) Nellie Belle is at my side (actually, she just ran across
street). The sun is beating on my back, and a soft breeze is playing at
my hair. The air smells like fertilizer and green grass and fresh,
clean hair. I can hear a dog barking, children playing in the distance,
a bee buzzing by, a bird calling, a chain saw, the passing of a car,
the roar of an airplane. The sounds of life, of the world I love. I
feel so good.
after Bible Study
I'm supposed to go to Marita Barton's slumber party. I wonder what will
of it, if I'll have fun. I hope so. I also hope that I can be myself,
without pretense or hypocrisy. That's how I lose friends - I don't act
like myself (Kenny, for instance) and they leave, disgusted. But see,
sometimes I'm afraid that by being myself, I'll REALLY lose their
admiration because my (real) self isn't good enough. I guess I lack
self-confidence. Well, at least I'm not the mousey type. I've heard
people describe me as "weird," "far out," "active," "nice," "stuck up,"
"pretty" and any others you can think of. If one persons calls me
"ugly," another calls me "plain" and another says I'm "pretty," how am
I supposed to know what I look like to others without seeming either
conceited or timid?
Signs of spring
Flood of joy
March 31, 1972
in a state of
shock. My dear little brother, the girl-hating,
never-going-to-be-married guy, has finally succumbed. He
girlfriend!!!! I guess I should have put together the
sooner than I did. There were plenty of them, believe me.
One night a couple of
weeks ago, in my room, he goes, "Terri, what would you do if I had a
girlfriend?" I was stunned, but I just said calmly, so as not to scare
him off, "Oh nothing. Just think it was cool. Why?" He goes, "Well,
Melvin's been trying to fix me up."
One day I found a ring
in his pocket. When I asked him where it came from, he said he "found"
Today while he was out,
a girl called and asked for Dick (I was home alone).
SHE: Is Dick there?
ME: No, he's gone. Who's calling please?
ME: Oh - should I tell him you called?
SHE: Yeah, OK?
he came home, I was
hopping up and down with excitement. With a teasing look on my face,
laughing, I go, "Somebody CALLED you!"
goes, "My girlfriend." It turns out that he's been
going with her for 2 weeks (he spent $6.50 on that ring) and although I
can't recall her off hand, I've heard of her. Besides, she has a pretty
brother Dick, age 13
Hanging around in my bedroom
April 5, 1972
learned the whole
school song (for cheerleading tryouts)!!! I've gotten several
unexpected compliments - from Karen
Anderson, Peggy M. and Rick K. (of all people!!)
Rick goes, "God,
good!" over and over, and then he goes, "I'm gonna vote for you!"
try out for Pep Club
relationship is sure having its ups and downs. About a thousand people
have been asking him, "Do you like Terri?," and I've been getting a
thousand different answers. Up until today, the answers have been
mostly "Yes," so that I was positive that he liked me. But, during 2nd
period, Sherry informed me of a little "conversation" that she
Denise LeCompte had with him.
I know a girl that has
a crush on you.
D: Terri Vert.
T: Oh yeah, I know.
D: Do you like her?
T: Well ... yeah, as a real good friend.
D: I think she's real cute, don't you?
T: Oh ... she'll do. ALL the girls are in love with me!
naturally this did
wonders for my ego, can't you imagine, and I was downcast all day. I
didn't know if he had been just kidding, or if Sherry was lying, or
what. After all, I like him a WHOLE LOT, and knowing that in his eyes
I'll "do" made me slightly unhappy. Anyway, after school, I was waiting
around in front of the office for Sandy & Penny to come, when
somebody brushed against me and said, "Hi Terri." Three guesses who it
was. I may seem like a real idiot, doting on 2 little words like that,
but it's the first time he's spoken to me in such a long time, since
March 3rd. That's quite a while.
happy day!!! Amy &
Penny (as usual) were kidding around and teasing me about Tom all day.
the morning we all went
into the library as planned (because Tom's always in there). We sat at
the table next to his, kidded around, until the bell rang. While we
were leaving, we ran into him. Penny said "Hi Thomas!" and I go "Hi!"
He sort of smiled and blushed and said hi. Penny said, "Well, why don't
you say hi to Terri?" and he laughed and said, "I did!"
lunchtime, we were just
standing around with nothing to do, when I happened to mention the fact
that maybe Tom wasn't talking to me or anything because I was
constantly surrounded by my friends. Penny and Amy took it the wrong
way, got kind of huffy, and stormed away. After a while, I decided to
make amends and went to look for them. They looked SO guilty that I
knew immediately that they had said something to Tom. After pressuring
them, I found out that Penny had said to him, "If you have any vocal
chords, you should talk to a CERTAIN PERSON." I was so mad that I
stormed into the cafeteria and sat down by myself at a table. As I sat
there, glaring at the lockers, I suddenly felt Tom standing in the
doorway, searching for me. Apparently he saw me sitting there alone,
because he came right over and sat down beside me. (He couldn't have
sat down any closer without sitting in my lap!)
stared straight ahead
and said "Hi Terri." I kept my head down. "Hello." We talked for a
while. We talked about Penny & Amy being pests, school next
and where we lived. I looked at him while we talked, but he had his
usual habit of avoiding my eyes. After a while I said, "C'mon, I want
to go outside." We walked up to the library together. Penny and Amy
were hanging out of the (library) windows, laughing their little hearts
out. I was seething.
said, "With friends like
Who needs enemies?" he
"cutesy" remarks (Jim C. for one!) like, "Aw, W.'s got a girlfriend!"
When we went into the library, Scott Shearer, Jerry Wagner and John
Muir started going,
"Oh, isn't that cute!" We went to the back room and sat down at the
table next to Penny & Amy. I was going to sit at their table,
decided it would be nicer if I sat with him. The
bell rang a few seconds later anyway, so we just had to leave again. He
walked me to 4th period. When we were leaving, I could hear my EX GOOD
FRIEND Penny telling him to put his arm around me, and that "hands are
not for putting in pockets." KILL!!! He took me even to my seat! Then
he talked to Mr. Kemp for a sec, and left, saying "See ya, Terri."
I'm happy. I remember,
back at the beginning of this book (Nov. 6) I was trying so desperately
to scrape up some feelings for him. I know now that I was trying too
hard. When he and I were finished (or so I thought), I felt
mostly relief. But then I'd see him, day after day, and I'd
point of being where he could see me. I guess something that Amy said
really hit the truth - "I think that you two still like each other, but
from what I can tell, you just had a misunderstanding."
-n- Terri = Love
4/Ever and Ever, Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Yo me llamo
Terri Vert, y tengo catorce anos. Tengo un novio MUY simpatico - se
llama Tomas W. El esta muy guapo, y el mejor parte esta aquel
Tomas te gusta yo tambien! Hoy, Tomas andaba y hablaba con yo. Fue muy
maravilloso - pero, por supuesto, Tomas esta maravilloso! Adios, Terri
a day! I keep saying
that, over & over again. What a day! What a day! What a day!
grades are rotten)
first this day started
out horrible, but things got better. Three really good things happened
At lunchtime Tom was
sort of avoiding me, as usual, since I was hanging around with my
girlfriends. ("I'd have talked to her sooner," he'd told Amy earlier,
"'except she's always with her friends." I knew it!!!) Finally, he went
into room 201, an empty classroom, with some of his friends, while we
were just hanging around outside. I decided that the best way to get
him out of there would be to walk down to my locker to get something BY
MYSELF, making sure he could see me out the window. It worked. The
instant I was in sight, zoom, he goes out the door, following me.
Honestly, it was so funny because he did exactly what we knew he would.
I messed around at my locker, trying to look real busy. He appeared at
the door, looked all over the cafeteria for me. The next thing I knew,
he was there at my side. He walked me to class. I asked him if he were
afraid of my friends or something, and he said "Well it seems like you
spend a lot of time with them." HONESTLY! He's so weird!
you think I'd rather spend time with them than with you????" I told him
to just come over, that my friends would leave if we wanted to be
has this strange habit. Whenever you talk to him, he kinda
half-smiles and stares straight ahead. He never meets your gaze. It's
weird. When I talk to him, I look straight at him.
After school he came
over to my locker when I was standing around. I told him I was trying
out for cheer & everything, and he said "Oh, you'll make it."
We went outside and were just talking and everything, when Ricky
goes "Hey Tom, is that your chick?" !!!
blushed, said "Yeah."
goes, "Well, KISS her." Tom started beating up on him. I was so
We tried out for cheer
finals. Three people won't make it. NERVOUS!
April 25, 1972
and closer to cheer
tryouts! I'm so scared. I made screening.
1. Sat by me at the library in the morning
Sat by me outside on
the ledge for a long time & talked, then walked me to class
Was waiting for me at
my locker after school and walked me to Sandy's. I learned several
things about him & what he's been saying about me.
Dan: "In our play, I get to marry a bathing beauty. Aren't I lucky?"
Tom: "I already have one." (or something to
Apparently he and
Gerry Hinkle were talking about me last Friday - Gerry was telling him
about how we used to like each other and stuff, about how I wasn't
allowed to go to dances last year.
When he walked me to
Sandy's, I asked him if he knew me last year and he said no. Then we
got to talking about the first times we ever saw each other, and he
says something like, "I remember the first time I saw you, I remember
thinking ‘That girl's cute.'" Every time I walk with him or
anything, his friends practically crawl out of the woodwork ("Get it
on, Whidden!") It is somewhat embarrassing, to say the least, but I
Here are the three who didn't - Kim T., Brenda Z., KIM H.
(SHOCK!!!!!!!) Here are the 12 finalists: Naomi A., Teri C.,
Kathy H., Starla H., Denise M., Lori N., Penny N., Lori P., Cathy S.,
Anita S., me.
absolute dud of a day.
After a dentist appointment, I made a special point of going back to
school just to see Tom. What did he do? Say about 5 words ("Hi
Terri - I've gotta go"). Oh boy.
my teeth hurt.
probably be voted Cheer Queen.
Tom will probably
ask me to go to the dance with him tomorrow, unless I scared him off
too badly last time (I regret that). Hope so.
LeCompte in History,
goes "Has he asked you yet?" (to go with him)
am so nervous, I can't
stand it!!! Tomorrow we try out (for cheer), and I know I won't make
it. I feel sort of horrible and depressed. I don't know what Rhonda
K. has against me, but she's making my life miserable.
April 28, 1972
I did not make
I can't stand Tom
Rhonda K. is making my
school life miserable
Thea has ruined
church for me
I no where to
turn???? I feel so low ...
seems to be
going wrong. My grades are sinking ... I didn't make cheer, and I made
a complete ass out of myself, trying ... I've got Rhonda and her little
cohorts on my back ... I'm stuck with a boyfriend I can't stand. I feel
like a failure, and it hurts.
this world you will
have many sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.
little better, but not
night after school, I
went to the dance with Tom. It was horrible. The band was louder than
hell, no kidding ... my eardrums really took a beating (no pun
intended). Tom insisted on sitting on the bleachers, way up in a high,
dark corner of the gym, for the entire dance (no dancing). I
just sitting there, and pretty soon he drapes his droopy old arm around
me. The back of the bleachers were jabbing into my back, this dumb arm
of his weighed at least a ton, I suddenly decided I couldn't stand him,
Rick Gookstetter practically sat in Tom's lap the whole time, offering
"helpful" suggestions ("You got five minutes left to make out"
- I wasn't supposed to hear that one). Besides which I was down in the
dumps ANYWAY about not making cheer.
now Terri, you moron,
you're back in the same spot that you were in a month or two
... Tom's on your back again, and you don't like him anymore 'cept as a
friend (cliché, cliché). But this time, there's
nobody to blame but
yourself. For Pete's sake, you managed to dump him once ... but like a
dope, you turned right around and made him think you like him again
(you did, sure, for a while).
I think of that
droopy old arm, flopping down with a sound thump on my poor,
defenseless shoulder, I want to CROAK. It was so disgusting.
feel like never going
back to school, ever again. What have I got to look forward to, anyway,
besides summer vacation? The thrills and excitement of getting rid of a
drippy ex-boyfriend? The joy of more of Rhonda K.'s cleverly-delivered,
witty, invisible hate bombs? The PLEASURE of seeing Kelly C., brand-new
cheerleader, and her disgusting swelled head? The
how about church, with
wonderful Thea and her "real Christian" cohorts chortling
their little black cauldron?
home, with Grandma's
constant cynicism, Grandpa's wall-to-wall teasing, and Dick's great new
superior "cool" attitude?
just don't know where to
I could have made
cheer, that would have rectified a lot of things. It would have "shown
up" Rhonda's little clique against yours truly, given me and Penny a
one way ticket into the "in" group, won the admiration and firsthand
notice of people who before had trouble remembering my name. But, as
that worn out cliche goes, "that's the way the cookie crumbles." Ha! If
so, then my entire life seems to be comprised of crumbs.
yah, sure, I won a lot
of honors and praise and prizes and titles and things in grade school,
when I was everybody's little darling. WHAT HAPPENED?!!? I
things have changed so much since then, but I'm not exactly sure what
those things are. Is it me?? I doubt it - as far as I can tell, my
personality hasn't changed that much. I'm still much the same as I used
to be, aren't I? Well, then, what has happened? It's been so long since
I've won something good and important ... I lost Senator, class rep,
cheer ... I've never been a Girl of the Month or the Quarter or the
Semester. I don't hold any offices or titles. My life is so damned
back in 6th grade, my
social life was so full that I could barely find any free time at all.
I was practically automatically chosen for anything my little heart
desired. Back then, disappointment was ONLY being elected vice
president of a club ... now I'm lucky to be put on the Clean-up
Committee. I obviously lack that certain something that
p-o-p-u-l-a-r-i-t-y. I know I'm not Miss America, but then again I'm no
Roberta Doohickey, either. And I don't have the "charming, suave,
smooth sophistication of the social butterfly," the thousand dollar
wardrobe, the cum laude grades or brain or intellect of a child genius.
There is no written code book of the rules and regulations of
acceptaince into the higher presence of (The Cool Kids). ... so I
can't know what it is I'm doing wrong. All I want is a place where I'll
be accepted by as many people as possible. Is that too much to ask? I
guess so ...
hard to love
when nobody loves you back."
HAPPY HEART IS HARD TO COME BY
of ‘72 will be
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, READER DEAR ...
Only 18 more pages of this ledger left!!!
Read on for more thrills, chills, and spills in the
of that well-known ALL
(famous for her thrilling daily
... and be sure and pick up a copy of
Two: The Life of Terri Vert,
(or ‘On To Greater Heights of Fame &
available in paperback at a Time Capsule near you!
April 30, 1972
a terrible month ...
so glad it's over.
think, only a few
weeks of school left, and then 3 luscious free months of vacation.
Wunnerful, wunnerful. I'm going to Camp Firwood for 2 weeks (July
but so far, that's all the plans I've made so far.
Well, que seda, seda. Pero, no quiero que seda sue seda. Deseo mi novio
comprendaba, y Rhonda no fue no contente.
realized that I don't like him as a boyfriend, even though I've told 10
hundred people or so about it. I wonder how long it will take ...
know, maybe I do
still like him. Dang it!! I wish I knew for sure. Tomorrow just might
turn the tables. Poor Tom. I must have
driven him crazy that year.
feel considerably better
than I did Sunday afternoon. Life isn't all bad.
ignored him all day,
especially when he was with me. I feel sort of rotten about it ... I
think I'll talk to him about it tomorrow, if I can scrape up the guts.
babysit tonight for the
Longworths. Goody (ha ha)
Shearer likes me. Great.
I like him as un amigo ONLY. Pero, me gusta Norman Strayer mucho,
tomorrow, but I'm not going. No way. Not if good old Thea is going. She
just ruins everything and makes me sick.
wish I were one of next year's
cheerleaders instead of KELLY C.!!!!!!!
got a pin jabbed into it, near the nail. Ow!
felt slightly more
depressed today, I don't know why. Penny and I had a fight ("I
see you this morning") but we patched that up. Scott was
quiet today. Norman was at school (SHOCK) but he said nothing to me.
The six new cheerleaders hung around together a lot, Kelly's
mouth always yelling ("Cheer
this, cheer that").
Sunday 2 p.m.
a wasted day ... Dad
didn't show up, and I didn't go to church. I feel sort of pensive,
thoughtful. I painted this really cool picture last night, using
watercolors, of an island in the sunset with trees casting images on
the water. On the top, in Italian Gothic lettering, it says "Still
waters run deep," and it turned out pretty good. My
dad hung that crappy painting in
his living room for years.
Tuesday 8:00 p.m.
was as attentive as
ever (ha ha). I don't think I really like him at all. I'm just sort of
casting around, looking for someone to love. I know he's out there
somewhere ... I've just got to find him. In the meantime I love to
flirt. Tom was absent today.
was just another
ordinary day. I got all dressed up: nylons, white shoes, the works, and
really felt insecure. Norman was absent, so was Tom. I told Amy that I
liked Tom again, just to see what she would say, and she
out something that I hadn't even thought of. She said: "Do you think
he'd EVER like you again, after the way you've treated him?"
stunned. Of course she's right. If I ever start liking him again
(doubtful - but that's what I said last time & look what
I wouldn't have a chance of getting him back, since this is the 3rd
time I've dumped him like this.
going to model in the
Mother/Daughter/Tea/Fashion Show! We practiced today in Home Ec, on the
violet today - I pressed it in my math book.
had dinner at
Yazellino's with Dad.
was a good day ...
there's this crazy mock-rumor going around that I'm pregnant, and all
during 5th period Elizardo, Bob, Tracy, Karl, Scott, Allan and all the
guys were kidding around and teasing me and everything, and it was all
a lot of fun. Tom was absent again.
day! The guys in 5th
period were still teasing me today, and it sure was funny.
period - Listening to
Mrs. Gaffney's exciting (ha!) lectures on the history of Spain - taking
period - Track (ick) -
watching everybody do the long jump, comparing hairy arms with Roxane
Genzales, feeling dumb just standing around.
period - Read part of
"The Wizard's Daughter" - Jim E. sat behind me, and I sort of
nonchalently turned around in my seat and read.
period - TEST. I kept
doing it wrong, Mr. Kemp kept sending me back to do it right. We got
- Sort of a free
- Practiced modelling.
supposed to go to
Lynne Bosckis' house tonight for a slumber party.
had a barbecue tonight,
Aunt Bonnie and Elizabeth (with her new sunglasses) came. We had:
Barbecued Spareribs & Sauce French Fries Salad Pork &
Strawberries Chocolate Cake
SO DISAPPOINTED IN
GRANDPA!!! I thought he'd "kicked the habit." God, it looked repulsive.
was when I "caught" Grandpa and Aunt Bonnie drinking and smoking together in the
kitchen, late one night.
Sunday 11:30 a.m.
me try and explain how
I feel right now ... I swear, I'm in the weirdest mood. I keep losing
control of time ... my sense of time is all screwed up. I keep getting
these impressions (maybe from the Other Place), impressions that I'm in
another place, another time. The sensation that I'm in the middle of
last summer is strongest. It's absolutely weird ... the signals and
thoughts from the Other Place have never come through this strongly.
The Other Place (lovingly referred to as Og or Carthage in my dreams)
is not of this world, although we two unknowingly share the same
position in space. It's just that we have different dimensions ...
we're both on this planet, except we have different worlds. The Other
is on a higher plane than ours, and therefore is harder to reach. It's
all different there ... it's hard to describe to someone who has never
been there. Although we revolve in our own separate levels,
a way to get from one to the other. Two ways, in fact. One, the Portal
of Calmay, is perhaps the hardest. It is the shadow door, the chamber,
the link through which the Fairye Spirits are able to travel. (Ha ha -
the Others are not ghosts, or fairyes, or any stupid bullshit like that
... they are as real as we are.) The Portal is open only to those who
have The Sight. I don't have The Sight completely yet, but I will
eventually. The Olders are ahead of me. The other way is the way I go,
through sleep. You find out that beyond the shadow dreams of the night,
far beyond the subconscious mind, is another Door to the Other. If you
are favored, as I am, then They'll let you in. But you've got to know
how to push through the cloud dreams and get in. It happened to me by
accident when I was 8. I accidentally pushed
through, and I discovered
the Other. Since then, I go practically every night.
Monday 8 p.m.
day - nothing
spectacular. Carol S. and Billy U. like each other, which
reason bugs the hell out of me. I get so depressed ... I hope next year
will be a lot better than this crummy year. I mean it ... this had to
have been the LOUSIEST year of my entire schooling. A lot of things
have gone wrong ... I didn't make cheer, I was "out" of the "in" group,
I didn't make student government, my grades went down.
course, some good
things happened too. Brian H. and that Friday night last October ...
Kenny ... Tom ... that's about all.
day, especially 5th
period. I wore my black peasant dress pinned up over my jeans, and
didn't even realize that it looked like a maternity top!!!
had an assembly 2nd
period, Glacier's Stage Band. Jim E. was in ONE LOUSY MOOD.
after school, had his
friend Danny come up to me after school and go, "Tom sez to tell you
he's tired of playing games." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fumed for a sec, and then he goes, "Well, you're going with him, aren't
forget what I said exactly, but I managed to convey the message
that as far as I was concerned, Tom Whidden was number zero on my list.
that doesn't give him the message, I don't know what will. If I should
ever start liking him again, that would be tough. I'm past the point of
return now. I've burned all my bridges behind me.
hate me anymore!!!
boring history, a
thousand King Carloses and Ferdinands.
some sort of
Miss Langlitz got
super mad at us for putting away her tissue paper mess. (She said to
"watch" it, we thought she said "wash" it.)
boring. I tried to
wangle some answers about Tom out of Amy, but she kept giving me all
these goofy answers.
Ec: just sat around
and talked, decorated Amy's pee chee.
best time of the day
is between 4th & 5th period. Today A.) Jim G. put grass in my
B.) Jim Oliver put his footprint on my pants C.) Bob M.
scraps of paper in my hair. Also, Scott gave me a new
(plastic), I wrote a "note" to Bob Scarsella, we had fun at the lunch
with the 7th grade boys, and Tom followed me all over the place
(discreetly, of course).
it looks like this
is it ... the time that I must bid goodbye to you. Gee, I really hate
to see you go ... believe me, you've been a very good friend for me.
You've been my constant companion ... a sort of silent confidante.
You've helped me through a tough, lonely year, and for all this I thank
you. I mean it - you have watched me traverse through practically an
entire year ... you've seen me in love, out of love, anxious, scared,
angry, depressed, frustrated ... happy, elated, hopeful, excited ... in
how do you thank
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy but I'll try.
If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters
That soar a thousand feet high -
LEDGER, WITH LOVE ...
memory will always be
with me. Goodbye and God bless.
to throw a rock?