JOURNAL NO. 10
April - June 1974
Age 16, 10th Grade

"The problem is, I seem to be going with about four guys at the same time now, but none of them know
about the others ..."



Spring of my sophomore year.  Life was a veritable Boy Bonanza.

Sunday
April 28, 1974

The start of a brand new ledger ... wonder what the coming months hold in store for me.

I went to Pam Young's wedding shower today, and although she got a lot of lovely gifts and everyone had a good time, it left me feeling kind of empty and uncertain inside. In a way, I suppose I'm jealous of Pam ... she's so happy, and she has so much to look forward to ... she's only 15 but she already has a man in love with her, a baby on the way and parents that are encouraging the marriage.  

When I was walking home from Pam's shower, Mark (one of the guys I like) drove up behind me and honked. I clambered into the truck beside him and he said he was going to Burien for gas: did I want to come? Nothing better to do, so I went for a ride with him. This was during the Big Gas Shortage of '74, so we had to wait in line for nearly an hour.  We talked, a little ... we're still kinda awkward around each other. My Dad really likes Mark a lot. SHOCK. Probably because he's so darned polite, you wouldn't believe it. Opens doors for me, leaves his name when he calls for me, stuff like that. And he's cute!

And then there's Mike. He's a senior at my school, in my 5th period Study Hall. We have a date set for May 10th to go see The Guess Who in concert.  I have no real romantic feelings towards either Mark or Mike yet. Feelings take time to grow, and I need time to think it out and make sure. I'm NOT jumping into another involvement without first making 100% sure it's safe!

Tomorrow I'm going to buy four hits of mescaline off of Shelly ... it costs $8.00 (2.00 a hit), which is a HUGE chunk out of my allowance, but oh well ... that's the price you have to pay. I love mescaline. When I'm high, it's as though I comprehend all things, and can reach into the souls of those around me.

Later:

I'm about to go to bed, a little earlier than usual. Mike Davidson called a couple minutes ago, we only talked for a few seconds. I'm tired, REALLY tired, and the prospect of crawling out of bed tomorrow at 6:30 doesn't exactly turn me on.

 


 

 

Monday
April 29, 1974

Second period Spanish: This (so far) has been a beautiful day, at least weather-wise. The sun is shining, it's clear, warm, summer weather.

Later:

Now I'm in Study Hall, 5th period. I've been wanting to write all day, but there have always been too many people around. Now, though, I feel relaxed enough and secluded enough to jot down a few words. This has been such a peaceful day -- not hot enough to be uncomfortable, but pleasantly springlike. At lunchtime Shelly and me walked over to her house and grabbed a couple of ham sandwiches and some punch and talked, mostly about her new boyfriend (my ex) David.  She's so happy with him.

As for me - haven't seen Mark or Mike all day, so I don't know ...

Wish the house wasn't such a pig sty.

Later (before bed):

Feeling squeaky, soapy clean ... took a long, hot shower, washed my hair, "anointed myself with oil" ... now I feel great. Mark and Mike both called me tonight.  Here I am with two boyfriends ... what a neat feeling. But now I'm wondering how successful I'm going to be, keeping them from finding out about each other.

Dolls Pt. IDolls Pt. II

Karen took these pictures of me in my bedroom
Spring 1974

 

 

 

 

May 1, 1974 8:00 p.m.
Wednesday night

I have so much to tell, I don't even know where to begin ... my mind is one massive jumble!! 

Let me start off by saying this: I am not really a conceited person.  What I mean by that is, well, I have respect for myself and all that stuff, but I don't go around letting everyone know that I consider myself to be prettier or smarter or better than anyone else. I realize that I have a lot of good things going for me, but I'm not going to lose my mind over it. So, don't think that anything written on these next few pages is meant in a conceited way, OK?  'Cause it isn' t, it's just an honest account of the things in my head today.

Well, to begin with, Dad's day off is tomorrow so tonight I can make as much noise as I want to, as late as I want to, without him getting mad. So I'm sitting here in my room listening to Moody Blues albums and feeling very strange ... kind of a combination of confusion & contentment. I have probs, but they're all interesting problems, if you can figure that out. And they all center around boys. 

The problem is, I seem to be going with about four guys at the same time now, but none of them know about the others.

1. Mike wants to take me to see The Guess Who concert in a couple of weeks, and in the meantime he's been calling two or three times a day, trying to invite me over & stuff. He came into Study Hall today, and for some reason he suddenly looked very good to me ... I don't know, kinda cute and funny. When he called today, he asked me something that STUNNED me. He goes, "Do you think you could like me as more than a friend, or that we could get something going?" I didn't know what to say! So I just said "Yeah" and let it lay at that.

2.  Mark likes me a lot. For a while there, a couple of weeks ago, I thought he was pretty neat. He IS, too ... he's the sweetest, politest, most considerate boyfriend I've ever had in my life. I mean, my Dad even likes him. And being good-looking on top of everything else doesn't hurt!  But -- I hate saying this -- he doesn't really get me excited. I mean, he isn't the type I can really get in there and ‘click' with. Mark's fatal flaw was that he was a nice guy who would have treated me well.  

And now the big news of the day: 

3. Karen told Marty that I like him today!!!  I'm still in shock over that one! See, I went to Mark's track meet yesterday after school (it was super-fun, by the way) and Marty was there, and somehow or another we got to talking ...

... Might as well tell you the whole story.

Marty and me practically grew up together. We're two months apart in age, his mom and my mom are friends, Grandma St. John lives across the street from him, etc. etc. etc.  ...  we actually ended up playing together when we were little kids (although neither of us remembers it clearly). Then two years ago, when we had both grown considerably and had completely forgotten each other, we re-met at church and started liking each other. It didn't work out -- we couldn't seem to hit it off. Anyway, there I was at the track meet last night. It was almost over, so Mark and me decided to leave. We started looking around for Karen but couldn't find her anywhere, so I decided to go up in the bleachers and see if she was there. Marty was sitting there, fixing his shoes. 

"Marty," I said, "Have you seen Karen?" 

He looked at me. "Karen. Karen who?"

I laughed. "Karen Herlastname. Remember her?" (They were an item once, briefly.) He laughed too, and I sat down. We talked, and I swear we talked without interruption for at least fifteen minutes. We reminisced ... and the looks he kept giving me (remember "The Looke"? From Ledger 2?) made me think, "Wouldn't it be neat to get back with him?" He told me that he and Pam, his longtime girlfriend, broke up a couple months ago. I WANTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN WHEN I HEARD THAT!!!!! But I managed to control myself, thank goodness.

Well, today during 5th period, Karen talked to him - a brief but IMPORTANT conversation.

Karen: Marty!
Marty: (turning around) Yah?
Karen: I've gotta talk to you.
Marty: What about?
Karen: Oh, you'll find out soon enough.
(Marty smiled, like maybe he'd already guessed what she was gonna tell him, and came over to talk to her)
Karen: Terri said you guys talked yesterday.
Marty: Yah, we did.
Karen: She likes you.
Marty: (smiling) Are YOU KIDDING?
Karen: No, I'm not!

Now what am I supposed to do??? Wait and see who he likes, or see if he makes some kind of move, or what? I think I do like him, but it's hard to tell -- I've gone through this with him before. Right now I'm at that point where every time I think about him, my heart lurches a little bit and I get all "goosebumpy" ... but I don't know! What if we get together???? I'm kinda scared, in a way. People change a lot in two years, and while I knew Marty during that summer when we liked each other, chances are that he's a completely different person these days. I know I am.

It's now 10:35 and I'm not one bit sleepy. I took a two hour nap this afternoon when I got home from school, so I feel very alert and lively. I'm just sitting here in my clean (shock) room, listening to loud raucous music, waiting for my hair to dry, and feeling pretty good. I feel like writing & writing & writing. This music is really starting to get to me. I'm happy and excited enough as it is, but whenever I listen to good loud rock, it really makes me more so.

I keep thinking about Marty ... like, how our relationship was such a total flop the first time we were together. We didn't get along too well then. I was too shy, and he was too shy, and even though we liked each other it was hard to communicate. In time we just fell apart ... kind of a mutual thing.

Dizzy -- I'm so dizzy,
my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool,
it never ends
And it's you girl making it spin
You're making me dizzy.

What about this time? There's no way I can guess what he's thinking about me. From the description Karen gave of his expression when she told him, I hope that he's happy.

 

 

 

Thursday
May 2, 1974

I feel like crying -- or laughing -- or anything. WHAT A DAY!!!

I broke things off with Mark today. It was hard, really hard, but it was something I had to do. He wrote me a note today, gave it to Linda to give to me. It said:

Terri,

Hi, I was going to call you last night but I think you are mad at me. I like you a whole lot and I hope you like me. If you don't like me please tell me, and if you do please tell me or let me know. Today at lunch I am going to be sitting on the steps by the tennis courts. Please either send a messenger or come yourself and tell me. OK!

Mark

During lunch I walked around with Robin Smith, making a point of avoiding the tennis courts. I would like to go back in time and SLAP teenage Terri.  I only like him as a good friend, and I'm sure he realizes that now.

Marty and me are together now!!! (sorta) I can't believe it, I can't believe it ... I never thought it would happen! I'm so happy!

After school today, Rhonda and I decided to go the baseball game and I'm glad we did, because I ended up sitting next to this adorable guy, Craig.  He's a junior, and I've never talked to him before today, but he sure is nice. Boy would I ever like to get something going with him. But the REAL good part of the game was when Marty CAME OVER AND TALKED TO ME FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES!!!

 

 

 

Friday
May 3, 1974

I'm writing this early in the morning ... I just woke up from a long, beautiful nights sleep filled with dreams of Marty and all-night New Years Eve parties  -- it's only 6:25 but already the sun is shining and I feel wonderful! Sitting here in bed, rubbing noses with my overly-affectionate cat, waiting for my electric rollers to heat up. This could be a very good day, if everything goes right.

 

 

 A drug entry:

Well, might as well -- make it good, as they say. only I wonder if they want some? I only dropped 2 hits today all together - once in the morn (early morn, early early) and then again before the track meet tonight, and now I feel really great. No really - I am pretty stoned right now, at this exact minute, but you could never tell right? write!! ha ha Tomorrow when I'm straight I'll write out all the events of today but tonight I'm too a.) high on my mesc and b.) high high HIGH on Marty ... God I wish I was with me right now, instead of here in Dullsville Plains. I think I really am falling in love with Marty because I saw him tonight and I talked to Alan and he knows I like him and the NEAT part is he likes me too! And not just for the reasons that Robby and Tony think EITHER.. Here is an HONEST attempt at writing non-high: communication. Pretty good, huh? You could probably never tell by looking, but I'm stoned stoned stoned and I love every minute of it, every every minute. And the more I watched these guys on TV, the more and more I like Marty and love him (maybe), IF he's good and behaves himself! (prim proper writing) Say, I wonder if Karen got home OK? After the track meet Alan and me just took off to walk and talk and look at the stars, and I honestly was (am?) so stoned I forgot all about her and all her ways and a ride home for HER.

 

 

 

Sunday
May 6, 1974

Boy, was I ripped Friday night! I only dropped two hits altogether, but when I walked home from the track meet with Alan Wright, I felt like I was flying. I was so high. I just sat down in someone's backyard and looked at the sky and the stars and listened to the trees whispering my name. It was a fantastic night.  Drugs are bad, mmmmkay?  But oh my god that was an INCREDIBLE night.

I didn't get to talk to Marty, but I heard enough things from Alan to keep me happy.

1. Marty knows I like him.

2. He was looking for me at the track meet, but he had to leave early.

3. He likes me too (probably).

I spent this whole weekend thinking about him, wondering if I'm just imagining it all or if I really like him.

Last night I went to the Seattle Center Fun Forest with the youth group at church, and it was a lot of fun, but it brought back a lot of memories ... particularly memories of Clarence. Oh well. We went on some rides and wandered around; then went to a Campus Life Youth Rally. Kinda made me feel guilty about being so rebellious towards my Lord.

Later:

I can't sleep. I spent most of the day today -- at least seven hours -- napping and sleeping, and now I feel wide-awake, very keyed-up and excited about Marty. I'll see him tomorrow in school, but I don't expect he'll make any kind of move -- he's too slow, and it's too soon. Just seeing him walk by in the halls will be enough for now.

Just laying here listening to the radio, wondering Is-it-my-imagination-or-am-I- really-hungry ... it's almost 10:00. Feeling peaceful, in a way. I've been happy for a couple of weeks now! Just plain HAPPY. It's such a nice change, and I hope it lasts.

 

 

 

Monday
May 6, 1974

This was another good day, happy happy. Alan called Marty tonight, and even though he didn't come right out and say it, Alan got the definite impression that Marty likes me. I hope so!!! I only saw Marty a couple times today, passing in the halls, but he said "hi" to me and gave me a sort of questioning look. I really like him a lot!

Today: first period, read part of "Jude The Obscure," talked to my pal Scott McAllister, spied on Wally (old habits die hard) ... second period, wrote a note to Jerry Bates, wrote a note to Karen ... third period, started my Algebra assignment, then sat there and daydreamed about Marty ... fourth period, we were in Room 206 and worked with our finance groups ... fifth period Study Hall, Mike  came in and talked to me ... sixth period, worked on our genetic assignments with my lab partner, Greg McKenna.

After school Karen

(entry ends abruptly)

 

 

 

 

Tuesday
May 7, 1974

I'm beginning to wonder if this is futile. Marty, that is. I mean, I really, really like the guy, and the way he looks at me when we pass each other in the halls makes me think he likes me, too. BUT. If he really liked me, wouldn't he tell somebody about it?? I mean, it's been a week since Karen told him, and practically nothing has happened since then. SHIT!!! I saw him a few more times today than usual. Like, I "discovered" he has my lunch period, and I ran into him three or four times in the hallway. But - damn me - I panicked every single time I saw him and pretended that I didn't see him. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. Tomorrow I'm going to make a special point of "noticing" him, and -- even more important -- get him to notice me.

Later (before bed):

Dale Copeland called me up tonight and we had a super-neat talk, about anything and everything. He is so sweet. Oh, Mike doesn't like me anymore, I don't think - he probably heard about Marty. (Who hasn't?) In a way I'm relieved. Now the only one I've got to worry about is Marty, and believe me I'm plenty worried.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday
May 8, 1974

Well, I can stop worrying. He likes me for sure, without a shadow of a doubt, and I'm pretty happy! And relieved! Karen asked him during 5th period. Something like, "Marty, Terri likes you a whole lot. Do you like her?" And he said YES!! Oh wow!

Now here's two interesting pieces of information: Mike H. still likes me. I didn't think he did, but he wrote me a note today:

Terri -

This might seem kind of dumb writing a note instead of telling you. But I can't think of a way to put it to you. What I'm trying to say is that for the first time I can remember, I can't tell whether a person likes me or not, and that person is you, and it's bugging me like hell.  Because I like you a lot, but before I get really involved I have to know how you feel. So please tell me! Ed told me you don't show much emotion, but I wish you would show me if you like me. I'm sorry about this but it's bugging me.

Love,
Mike

SHIT! Now what do I do? I only like him as a good friend. My heart belongs to Marty. But now I've got to find a gentle way to let Mike know that my affection for him doesn't go any further than that. How veddy Cora Munroe of me.  Like, how do I go out with him on Friday night without giving him the impression that I'm "in love" with him??

(My ex-boyfriend) Ed was being unusually nice to me today. Like, he asked me sit by him during 4th period, so I could help him with the test - but I made good & sure he saw my pee chee, plastered with "Marty + TERRI 4/EVER"

 

 

 

 

Thursday
May 9, 1974
Late

This was basically a rotten day. Marty didn't even come to school, which was a blow, and besides that I felt sick with a headache that I've had for days and an upset stomach. Fortunately for me, though, I was so ripped on mesc that I didn't realize that it was a lousy day until it was over! I dropped 1 whole hit during first period, and by 3rd period I was completely wiped out. It got me through the day, at least. I've made a decision, tho ... I think I'm going to quit dropping stuff at school. I mean, getting high is a super neat experience, but like everything in life it has its place. I just don't think school is the right place. When I'm high I tune everybody else out and sorta withdraw into myself, which is hurting my grades and my relationships with certain people. Maybe tomorrow night I'll take something, before the concert with Mike.

 

 

 

 

Friday
May 10, 1974

It's never much fun to hurt somebody ... especially someone that used to mean a lot to you. I had to hurt Mike tonight, and now the guilt is crushing me. I didn't want to go to the concert with him, but I couldn't think of any plausible excuse to get out of it. So I lied. A stupid, phony lie that I doubt he believed for a split second. I told him I'm "on restrictions" for two weeks, and that Dad won't even let me out of the house. Lies, lies, LIES! He was so hurt, I could feel it right through the telephone when he told me "not to worry about." I feel like a crum. 

What I REALLY want is to see Marty. Matter of fact, I'm nearly going crazy, wishing I could be with him!!!! Alan did me a favor and called him up about half an hour ago to "see what he's up to," but Vernon, Marty's brother, answered the phone & said Marty's working tonight. SHIT! So what do I do tonight, just sit around on my ass and waste Friday night doing nothing?

Think I'll drop a hit, just for something to do ... freak out by staring at the walls ... I'll probably write something later on, when I get tired of watching TV, brushing my hair, writing letters, eating potato chips and all that other stuff (WHAT FUN).

Later:

I'm writing this later at night. Dad's gone to bed already, so I'm quietly sitting in my room drawing pictures, thinking of Marty and feeling guiltier and guiltier every time I think about what I did to Mike tonight. No joke -- I really feel awful.

I STILL feel awful about it, thirty years later.  Sorry, Mike.

 

 

 

Saturday
May 11, 1974

Well, here I am sitting home alone on a Saturday night, but for some reason remarkably good-natured about it. My days (nights?) with Marty will come ...

I've been having a sort of "recurring nightmare" -- this sick awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that Marty doesn't like me. I keep imagining it: I'll be standing by the track after school on Monday, waiting to watch Marty work out, when Alan will come up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. Looking into my eyes with pity, he'll say "Terri, I have some bad news ..." Then he'll tell me that Marty has changed his mind, that he likes me only as a good friend, and that he feels it wouldn't work out between us a second time. I'll hold back my tears, and smiling bravely (with only a slight catch to my voice) I'll say, "I understand. Tell him thanks for being so honest."

And then I'll go hang myself.

Of course I'm exaggerating. But it's no lie -- I am worried, a LOT. I mean, if he really liked me, wouldn't he have shown it by now? Or am I expecting too much too soon? If only I could be sure he honestly likes me and wants me as a girlfriend, than maybe I could get some sleep nights.

I could have gone out with Mike R. tonight. Ha ha ha. NO CHANCE. I cannot STAND that egotistical creep. He lives a couple of blocks away, and he dropped over late this afternoon to ask me out. I was so embarrassed because he brought BILL with him, and there I was in ragged cut-offs and an old shirt, no makeup, my hair dripping wet ... I looked like death itself, I swear. When they knocked on the door I didn't have time to fix myself up so I had to face them looking like a slob.

So I've spent a slightly boring evening home, doing a lot of nothing -- watching TV, baking bar cookies, writing "I love Marty" a hundred times on every piece of paper I find ... now it's a few minutes to midnight and I'm laying on my bed, listening to an Elton John tape and trying to keep my eyes open. I wish I could've seen Marty tonight.

Oh! Mike called at 6, and everything is fine. He isn't at all mad -- he went to the concert with some friends, but he said he still wishes I could have gone with him instead.

 

 

 

 

Sunday
May 12, 1974
Before bed

Feeling worried about Marty. I dreamed about him again last night, and it left me frustrated. I want him so much! Every song they play on the radio reminds me of him ... every time I see a boy & girl walking together holding hands, I feel jealous ... I'm happy, though -- knowing that something neat could be just around the corner. You never know. Anything could happen tomorrow.


Monday
May 13, 1974
After school

Oh wow, what a great, super-fantastic day!! I have some earth-shattering news ... Marty actually ASKED ME OUT TODAY!!! I'm in a delicious state of shock, happy and anxious and excited all over!!!  It was right before Study Hall, when I was standing at my locker, getting my pee chees and books. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Marty walking in my direction, heading for his History class. I didn't want him to see me staring at him, so I bent my head down and pretended to search through my pee chee.

"Terri?" he said. Slowly I looked up, and there he was, standing beside me. My heart started beating a million times faster, and I froze. THIS IS IT, I thought to myself. He said "hi," I said "hi," and then I commented that I never get to talk to him. 

"I never see you these days," I said. "Once in a while we pass each other in the hall, but I never see you other than that."

He smiled and said, "Yah, I know."

"Of course," I said, "Even if I did see you, I might not recognize you -- I have awful eyesight."

"Do you wear glasses?" he asked.

"Well -- I should," I said, "but I don't." I looked at him. His clear brown eyes met mine, with a sort of searching intensity. "You wear glasses now, don't you?" I asked him, even though I know darned well that he does.

He smiled again. "Yah, sometimes."

"I remember when you got them," I said. "Where are they?"

"In my pocket," he said.

I turned to my locker and started shuffling through a pile of papers. "Did Judy tell you I called?" I asked, a little shyly.

"Yah she mentioned something about it," he said. I could feel him looking at me.

"I felt really dumb calling, but I had to ask Judyy to go across the street and see if anyone was home at my Grandma's," I prattled on. Soon I realized that I couldn't stand there and rummage through my locker forever, so I grabbed my pee chees, my algebra book and my purse.

"Are you doing anything on Saturday night?" he asked. There is was. THE QUESTION. The moment I had been hoping for & praying for & dreaming about for days! All time seemed to stand still.

"No," I said softly, looking at him.

"Well, would you want to go out to a movie or something?" he said.

"Yes," I said positively. Then as an afterthought I added, "With you?"

He laughed. "No, with Karen," he said sarcastically.

I laughed too. "Well, I just had to make sure," I said with a smile.  He said something about maybe getting the family car, and then he asked me "What class do you go to next?"

"Um, Study Hall," I said, and shut my locker door and smiled at him.

"Well, I'll talk to ya later," he said, and I nodded.




  

 

Tuesday
May 14, 1974

Every time I saw Marty today, as always, my heart started pounding and my pulse started racing, and I started to imagine all the neat things that could happen this Saturday night! It could be one of the most important nights of the year! I just hope I don't blow it. I found out that it's going to be a double date, with Mike W. and Cindy B., and we're going to a drive-in. Oh WOW.



Friday night

Dad told me tonight that we have to move out of this house by June 30, and all I can do is say DAMN IT!!!!



 

 

 

Saturday night
May 18, 1974 2:00 a.m.

It's a little past two in the morning, and I just got home from my "big date" with Marty ... so much to tell you, so much to think about, but I'm SO TIRED I can hardly keep my eyes open. So this will be brief. We all went to the drive-in, and it was neat. Marty started out holding my hand, a little shyly -- then he put his arm around me, etc. etc., until by the time the second feature started we were sitting there wrapped in each others' arms, making out like there was no tomorrow. I swear he must have kissed me sixty million times, and it was neat neat neat. He even gave me a goodnight kiss on my front porch -- how quaint and traditional! -- when I came strolling in at the ungodly hour of 2:00 a.m. Happy.

Only one fly in the ointment, though -- that's this business of moving. More tomorrow. Bye.




 

 

Sunday afternoon
May 19, 1974

Well, Dad and me went out looking for a house this morning and we found nothing. The only house for rent that we came across was this horrible dump. I wish we could find a place, and SOON ... I'm starting to worry a little. I don't want to leave this house, with all its memories. I've changed more in the year that I've lived here than at any other time in my life, and it'll be like leaving behind a part of myself.

Now I'm spending a relatively peaceful day in my room, listening to tapes and eating glazed doughnut holes, reading the Sunday paper and thinking about last night. A few minutes ago I dropped a hit of mesc, just for "something to do" ... so I should be getting off just about any time. Feeling pretty good. Every time I remember the drive-in last night, my heart jumps and I get goosebumps. The way he kissed me ... the way he held me ... oh wow. He's working today, so I don't think I'll be hearing from him until tomorrow. I hope I see him at school.

Starting to get off on the mesc, a little.



 

 

Monday
May 20, 1974

It's SO late, but this is Dad's night off so it's too noisy to sleep. I have a lot of things on my mind. Mainly, moving. I'm really starting to get upset. We went out looking for houses again, and struck out totally. I'm sure I really want to live in Beverly Park. Shit. So far I've been keeping up this phony front, about how moving doesn't really bug me all that much & it doesn't matter how far away from Glacier our new house is, etc. etc., because I don't want Dad to feel any worse about it than he probably already does -- but inside, it's just tearing me apart. Things are fine here. Why do we have to move? Why did this have to happen?? The way things are going, we're either going to end up in the Dump on 24th or else in some house clear out in fucking Auburn. SHIT.

One ray of sunshine in an otherwise mediocre day ... Dad bought me a new ten-speed bike today, a beautiful, just-right orange bike that I adore. It cost almost $80, which is way way WAY more that we can afford, but Dad wanted to cheer me up, I guess, about moving. Karen and me went out riding for HOURS tonight.

No matter how far away we move, NOTHING is going to keep me away from Karen! Or Marty!! I (almost) love him!

 

It'll be another 30 yrs. before I have my next new bike

With the new bike Dad bought me, Spring 1974

 

Thursday
May 23, 1974

Well. No luck in finding a house, but in spite of that hassle, my head is in pretty good shape. That is, things are still going all right, especially between Marty and me. Every day I see him more, and each time we're together we find different things to talk about & share. Around school we're an established "thing," which is neat, in a way. (The only problem might be) the vague feeling that maybe I'm rushing into an involvement too fast. I don't want to be hurt again.



 

 

Friday
May 24, 1974

If there's anything I hate, it's sitting home alone on a Friday night -- which is precisely what I'm doing tonight. Crud. Marty was going to take me out to a movie tonight, but he called around 4:30 and said he has to "work late tonight, so we'll have to make it tomorrow." Oh well. I ate a piece of cake and a glass of milk for dinner, and now I feel kinda sick ... sitting on my unmade bed, my room a total disaster area. Ever since I found out we had to move, I've kinda let the place fall apart, not caring anymore. I look awful, and I sure hope no one "drops over" tonight -- scrungy clothes, hair pulled back in a ponytail, my makeup's starting to look crusty -- besides I dropped a hit of mescaline at 5:40, for something to do, so I should be getting pretty goofy in another half hour or so.

Cloudy, windy, rainy outside ... Elton John singing about Elderberry Wine ... thinking about what an incomplete day this was. I got up two hours later than usual because I was just too, TOO tired, and I didn't get to school until lunchtime. We went to an assembly today, the Senior Skit -- very sad, in a way, because it made me realize what a short time I have left in school.

Wish I could hurry up and get off on this stuff.



I don't count this as my first official drunk  ...  I was already so high on mescaline that the alcohol was basically just for show.  (The barfy HANGOVER the next morning, however, was my first.)

Trying to find a pen is an outstanding job right. And as you can tell I'm high as high can be. Flying high with a big ol' smile on my face. As soon as Dad goes to bed I'm going to go into his radio room and get something to DRINK, to "compound the felony." Go belt down a glass of wine ... ha har har. Now Dad's in bed and I feel super relaxed and good. 1.) I'm stoned on the mesc, which is always a beautiful & fantastic experience PLUS 2.) I am currently in the process of getting "smashed on my butt." Oh, to be more explicit: I have broken into my Daddy's whisky bottles and all that warm sexy liquid coursing down my throat feels so good, I feel like I'm flying on clouds. The door of the front room has tiny brown grains that dance up and down upon close inspection. I wish I could tell you about what I am going through right now - watching a show about drinkers DEAN MARTIN Just for a joke let's pretend I'm straight as straight can be. I forget how! No - no - just for a joke I'm going to take a drink of cream soda (for appearance sake)




 

 

Saturday night or Sunday morning (depending on how you look at it)
May 25, 1974

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I'm about ready to CRASH ... I got home from another hot date with Marty a little while ago, and I'm tired tired tired (but fairly happy).

However, before I sink into bed, I have to explain what happened last night. I dropped the mescaline, and then around 9:00 when I was starting to really get off, I got this "bright idea." Why not try and get myself drunk, too? I've never gotten drunk before, and I figured it would only take me higher and be some sort of "soul expanding experience." So I started guzzling everything in the house ... half a bottle of ruby port, some straight whisky, a can of beer ... and sure enough, I got pretty fucked up. I was staggering around the living room, rolling on the floor ... it was different. But then I started throwing up all over the living room, great agonizing waves of nausea, and I passed out two or three times before I finally dragged myself into my room. I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. and jumped out of bed in a PANIC when I realized what a mess the living room must be! I rushed and cleaned it up before Dad got up. Then I was so sick all day, it wasn't funny.




 

 

Sunday afternoon
May 26, 1974

A lazy day spent in my room (which, by the way, is a total disaster area). I can think of a lot of things I SHOULD be doing, but I feel like just sitting and thinking. I was really in bad shape yesterday. I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink a thing without throwing up. It was terrible, but it taught me something I should never forget: I'm not the drinking type. In fact, all of the shit I've been drowning my brain with lately (mescaline, speed, alcohol), all of it is just a big fat WASTE OF TIME. What do I need it for?? All it does is screw up my head so I can't even think, let alone appreciate any of the beautiful things in life that normally turn me on, like my music or my art or even the love of Jesus. It numbs my brain, so that all I can do is sit in a stupor while all these idiotic thoughts pass through my brain. I think I'll knock it off -- that is, taking any of that stuff. It's so pointless.

Last night Marty and me went to the drive in again, only this time we were by ourselves instead of with Mike and Cindy. Just like last week, we sat there and made out for four straight hours. I'm not too pleased with myself for it, either. It seems I've gotten myself into another involved relationship, which is precisely what I've been trying to avoid. I don't love Marty, and even more importantly I don't WANT to. The breaking up part is just too painful. I don't want to go through it again. It almost killed me when Clarence and I broke up, and I'm scared that if it should ever happen again, I might not be able to handle it. I might fall off the edge completely.

Also, I'm still worried about finding a new house. We've got a little over a month, and so far we've found almost nothing. Yesterday we went and took a look at this fantastic, $185 a month place on 34th Avenue ... that's 14 blocks away from here. It's a beautiful house with a huge, rambling yard and four bedrooms, but I could tell Dad wasn't too thrilled with it. It's so far away from my school and my friends, though, that maybe it's better that we don't get it. In the meantime all I can do is watch and pray that the Lord will provide.

I've spent the day making a tape, with all my favorite songs and then good songs off the radio.

Now it's much later - around 7:30, I think - and with nothing better to do, I'm sitting out in the middle of the backyard with Benji, my cat, thinking and dreaming and feeling strange. I've got a new song to identify with now. It's called "Gray Seal" by Elton John, and it touches me the way certain songs do ... I can't get it out of my head. The sun is still shining, but I'm cold -- probably because I don't have any shoes on, and my hair is still wet from washing it an hour or so ago. Benji is loudly demanding that I feed him. Marty called about a half hour ago, but even though I hinted about not having anything to do tonight, he didn't invite me over. And I certainly wasn't going to invite myself. So it looks like Terri Vert has one long, dull evening ahead of her.



 

 

 

Monday night
May 27, 1974 11:15 p.m.

Only a few minutes to write before I go to bed ... it's SO LATE. Every time I think about Saturday night and what happened at the drive in with Marty, I could just crawl into a hole and hide for a million years. Well, I guess it isn't quite that bad, but I'm wondering how I can face him in school tomorrow without turning beet red with embarrassment?? After all it was only our second date, and to let him go up my shirt like that, isn't that rushing it a little? I'm getting involved, and I'm scared.




Wednesday night
May 29, 1974

Playing mental see-saw, Marty-wise, all day long. I'm just not sure how I feel about him! Sometimes I think he's great, neat, cute, wonderful, the perfect boyfriend -- and other times I think I'm making a huge mistake. Tonight I went to church, and his two little sisters were there. After church he came to pick them up, and I got a ride home from him. For some reason he suddenly looked VERY GOOD to me -- me sitting beside him, him looking very solemn and serious with his glasses on, concentrating on his driving -- I felt almost as though we belonged together, like we were meant for each other. It was a neat feeling, and it left me feeling all warm and glowy. If only I could stabilize my feelings.



 

 

 

Friday
May 31, 1974

I haven't been this confused or felt this low in a long, long, LONG time. Maybe it's just the low part of my (biorhythmic) cycle. I dunno. I feel awful. First of all, I'm worried sick about moving. Each day that passes, the chances of finding even a halfway decent place in this area seem to grow slimmer & slimmer. I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate my home life ... it frustrates me, makes me feel trapped. Dad is alright -- I mean, he isn't always on my back about every little thing. He tries to be a good father, I guess, but (our family life) isn't providing me with what I need. 

Secondly, today I decided that I don't like Marty anymore. SHIT. NOW what do I do?? Just throw him back into the sea, now that I'm "through" with him? 

I have a huge, gigantic, ENORMOUS crush on Craig Coleman, of all people. He wrote in my annual today, something sweet and totally unexpected. I think I've only talked to him three or four times in my entire life, but he's one of the neatest guys at our whole school. I can't stop thinking about him, even though I know I'm wasting my time. What would a fantastic guy like him see in a little nothing sophomore like me?



 

 

 

Saturday
June 1, 1974

All day long today there was only one person on my mind: Craig. Am I being a dumb stupid idiot, or do I really have a chance with him? Did he mean what he wrote in my annual?

Karen and me went to the movies tonight to see "Sleeper" - met a bunch of really neat guys from Highline High School. But CRAIG is uppermost in my thoughts. It's like having a fever.



 

 

 

Sunday
June 2, 1974
8:00 p.m.

All day long all I could think about was Craig ... worrying, waiting, wondering. Hoping that maybe he really does like me, that he really meant what he wrote in my annual on Friday:

Terri (Theresa),

I really didn't get to know you until the baseball game against Evergreen. I'm glad I did get to know you. All year I walked around and asked myself who that great-looking chick was. Maybe we can be better friends this summer. Or next year. If you ever have enough time (because I know you must have millions of boyfriends) maybe I can take you out, just to go out and have a good time. You really have a good personality. This might be a little hard to understand. My writing's kind of sloppy. Well, have a good summer and give me a ring sometime (CH 22XXX) OK 

Craig C.

I remember when he handed me my annual, he said "You can take it seriously if you want to." BOY, DID I EVER!!! He's one of the cutest, funniest guys in the whole school. Long, wavy blond hair, piercingly blue eyes, tall & skinny ... he's a real fox! And I just find it so hard to believe that he may have actually noticed ME.

Tomorrow Karen -- good ol' Karen -- is going to talk to him, and I'm counting on her to be subtle. I'm always sending Karen to do my investigative work.

 

 

Monday
June 3, 1974

OH WOW!!! He likes me, he likes me, he likes me!! (I think.)  Karen talked to him during their Drama class, and this is part of their conversation, according to her:

Karen: Hey Craig!

Craig: (looking up) What?

Karen: C'mere, I've gotta talk to you about Terri Vert
(According to Karen, when she mentioned my name "his whole face lit up into the hugest smile.")

Craig: YOU come HERE. I'm busy. Now, what about Terri Vert?

Karen: Well, she likes you. (Once again he broke into a gigantic smile)

Craig: Are you kidding me?? Does she REALLY??

Karen: Yah, she really does, and I bet if you asked her to go out she would.

Craig: You really mean it?

Karen: Would you like to know what she talked about all weekend long??

Craig: What?

Karen: YOU!

When Karen told me about their "little chat," I almost had an attack right then and there. HE LIKES ME!!!!!!!!  He came into Study Hall the whole period, sat right next to me and we talked and talked. He is so incredibly sweet!

This is the good part, though. He gave me a ride home from school! It was raining hard, so he said "Hey Terri, would you like a ride home?" So naturally I said "Sure."  After 6th period he waited for me, walked me to my locker, then we went to his locker, and then when we got to his car he opened the door for me. Wow, polite, huh? Without even thinking about it I automatically slid over and sat right next to him in the front seat (this was before seat belt laws went into effect: I always squished in right next to my boyfriends while they drove)  -- even though his sister Cathy (she's a big wheel around Glacier) and all her big-wheel friends were sitting in the back seat behind us. I could almost FEEL the questioning looks they were giving each other! He didn't ask me out -- didn't get a chance to, I guess. During Study Hall he mentioned something about a party him and Rick Abdill are having (?) on the last day of school, and he asked me if I wanted to go, but I'm not sure if he was serious or not. I hope he was! Or that maybe he'll ask me out this weekend!

Only one prob, and that's poor old Marty. I tried to avoid him as much as possible today, and I succeeded -- I only saw him once all day. I don't know how to tell him, but I'm sure he'll get the message sooner or later. He'll probably hate me, and I really can't blame him.

Dad said that Craig called around 6:00! But I was gone. DRAT. He didn't call back, either, crud. I hope he asks me out for this weekend. Maybe he will tomorrow.



 

Tuesday
June 4, 1974

I'm in love. Boy, am I in love!! I just can't get over how incredibly sweet he is, SO sweet.

I saw him lots today -- it was Class Day, so we had a special seven period day, I ended up having the same lunch as him. He took me out to lunch! We went to McDonald's, and really had a great time. I mean, we TALKED - we communicated. No long awkward silences, no embarrassed stammers. Just natural, easy conversation. He came into Study Hall again too, and gave me another ride home from school. I feel so LUCKY.

Later (before bed):

I feel so good, despite the moving hassle. It's Dad's night off so I can make as much noise as late as I want to. I'm sitting out in the living room in Dad's big easy chair, my wet hair up in a towel, my freshly-scrubbed face smelling of Noxzema and baby oil. I feel all clean. The big radio is turned on to KJR, "loud raucous music," plus my little white radio is on for the "stereo effect." Dad's typing in his radio room.

Craig called me tonight, at 8:20, and we talked for a little over an hour. I know I've said this before, but I've gotta say it again ... he is so incredibly sweet. He doesn't cut anyone down EVER, he always has something nice to say about everyone. That's something I'll have to watch when I' m with him, making sure I don't gossip or say anything bad about anyone, because I can tell that it turns him off. We talked nonstop, about everything, including the things we did this year to get each others' attention, stuff like that. He didn't ask me out; but he said something about going to some parties this weekend, and whether or not that included me, I don't know. Oh well, at least I know that he likes me.

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again.

~ John Denver, Annie's Song

 

 

Thursday
June 6, 1974

Every day I start to care for him more & more.

He asked me out today! Wow!! We were walking to first period this morning, when he said:

Craig:  "Will you be doing anything on Friday night?"
Terri:  "As far as I know, no."
Craig:  "Well, would you want to go out?"
Terri:  "Yes ..."
(PAUSE)
" ... with YOU?" Gee, where have we heard THIS before?
C: (chuckling warmly) "Well, actually I wanted you to go out with Rick. YES, with me."
T: (chuckling warmly)  "Yes, I'd like to."

And I DO want to! I want to go on this date more than I've ever wanted to go out with anyone!! He always waits for me after my classes, which is something neat that I love. It shows me that he really cares! I haven't had a boyfriend as attentive and considerate as Craig in ages, and it gives me a special feeling. This was just a neat day, because I was feeling very talkative, almost rowdy. It must be Day 14. In Study Hall I just couldn't seem to shut up ... Wally kept giving me really strange looks.

I bought a nickel bag of speed for five bucks ... darn it. I really thought I could resist the temptation and not drop any more of that shit. Oh well, at least I didn't take any today. I'm gonna save it for Tuesday, the last day of school. Everyone gets drunk or stoned on the last day ... this year, me included. I wanted to get some mesc, but it looks like the supply has run out. Oh. This morning Shel went out and smoked up (some grass) with Marshall, so she was stoned all day. Well, she has Craig in her third period class, and somehow she started up a conversation with him. He's no dummy -- he could tell she was ripped, so he asked her and she said yeah, she'd been smoking grass. Then he asked her, "Does Terri ever do anything like that -- I mean, like does she ever smoke dope or get drunk?" Shelly goes, "I don't know if I should tell you or not." He smiled and said, "Aw c'mon, just tell me," so she said, "Well, yeah, she does." According to her, he was pleased to hear it. I guess he's relieved to find out I'm not straight. Tony Gauthier and Ben Lensegrav  (two of Craig's best friends) were teasing me before sixth period, standing by the door and staring in at me. Really embarrassing me, but I was loving every minute of it. 

 

 

 

Friday
June 7, 1974 6:30 p.m.

Well, in two hours Craig's gonna come pick me up and take me out, and I'm SO NERVOUS. At about quarter to eight I'll drop some of my speed, just to make sure I'll be talkative.

This was a great day. Before school I dropped four hits (of speed) and it was so neat. I think I may even like it better than mescaline! It left me tingling, happy, exhilarated -- I couldn't shut up all morning long, I was in a fantastic state of mind. I talked to people, everyone, about everything, and it seemed so easy to communicate. I talked to Jerry B. for a long, long time and I wrote him a note saying that I really value his friendship, all that kinda stuff. 

Wow, am I ever getting nervous! Good thing I've got that speed. I'd never make it without it.

7:00 p.m.

Half an hour to kill before I have to start getting ready. I have to dry my hair, take a bath, put on makeup, drop some speed, get dressed ...

3:30 a.m. (handwriting a little wobbly)

Oh my God, what a night. WHAT A NIGHT!!! So many things happened, neat neat NEAT things, that I could probably write for pages and pages and never finish telling about everything.

Well, Craig came right on the dot of 8:30, punctual & on time, and after brief introductions between him and Dad, we split. Craig was driving his Dad's VW. Conversation between the two of us was scarce ... I think we both felt a little embarrassed and self-conscious. The speed I dropped hadn't taken effect yet, so I felt sorta shy and quiet. Craig said, "I heard there's some sorta Street Fair or something at the Seattle Center, a free rock concert. Ya wanna go to that?" 

"Yes!" I quickly replied. I love the Seattle Center. 

After searching for a parking space for 15 minutes -- the Center was jammed with people -- we finally managed to find the rock concert, near the Flag Pavilion, and made our way through the enormous crowd of people (mostly teenagers REEKING of grass).  We found a seat on the stone steps near the fountain. We sat there for about 15 minutes, listening to the band ("Chinook"), laughing at some of the strange looking people walking by. I sat close to him, bending my face close to his to hear his words over the loud music, and although I was wishing he would hold my hand, or put his arm around me, or SOMETHING, he was shy and kept his hands to himself. I wasn't bothered by it, though. I was content just to sit near him, to be with him, and to feel my own racing pulse and vibrating nerves as the speed began to take affect.

After a while, though, Craig said he was hungry and asked if I wanted anything to eat. We got up and walked to the International Bazaar Building, searching for some sort of hamburger stand. After becoming thoroughly LOST in the Bazaar (remember Craig walking into a full-length mirror, thinking it was an exit?) we finally found the Bubbleator and took a ride up to the Food Circus. We wandered around through all the different food booths. Craig was trying to decide what he wanted. Finally he bought himself a piece of lemon meringue pie for himself and Cokes for both of us. We sat down at a table for two, watching a group of square dancers in the middle of the floor, and we talked about the annual. He told me he's going to be Key Club President next year. (Wow!  I'm gonna join!) 

Anyway, when we were done eating, we went back to the concert for a few more minutes. They were a super-good group, I really liked them a lot. In the distance we could see the glittering lights of the ferris wheel and the Zipper, hear the screams of people riding the Galaxy and the Matterhorn in the Fun Forest. He looked at me. "You wanna go on some rides?" he said, smiling, and I readily agreed. We only went on one ride, the Galaxy, which is sort of a small- scale roller coaster, but that was plenty for me! I was happy because while we were walking towards the Fun Forest he started to hold my hand for the very first time. After he bought our tickets and we clambered into the little car, he put his arm around me and held me tight during the ride. After the Galaxy, he said he wanted to go up to the arcade and win me a prize. So he blew almost $2.50 doing worthless things like knocking over milk bottles, tossing balls through targets, throwing darts at balloons ... he won me a stuffed penguin that I adore (because it's from him) and which I promptly dubbed "Craig" (and will treasure always!)

Hey, it's starting to get light outside now, and it's almost 4:30 in the morning!

Anyway, our sense of adventure still not fully satisfied, we wandered around the Fun Forest hand in hand, looking for something to do. Craig saw a Putt-Putt Golf course, so we spent a hilarious half hour there. Craig played while I kept score, and it was funny because he was so rotten and the guys in front of us were so good. When we were done there, it was almost 11:00 so we decided to go back to the concert. By then it was pitch-dark and I felt so great being with him. We sat there and listened to Chinook for a few minutes, when suddenly a thought hit me. 

"Hey," I said, "I'll bet I know where everyone from Glacier is tonight -- I'll bet they're all at John Absolor's party." 

"I bet you're right!" he said. "Shit, I completely forgot about it. Ya wanna go?" 

"Sure," I said. We left the Center around 11:30, and half an hour later we were driving around Riverton Heights, looking for a wild party that was sure to be John A's. When we saw about twenty guys staggering around the street, cars lined up all along the block and a crowd of nearly a hundred people in someone's front yard, gathered around a blazing bonfire, we knew we'd found it! We got out, and with our arms around each other we joined everyone at the party. Anyone who was anyone at Glacier was there, and what's more they were all completely DRUNK. We talked to a few guys -- Robby Emil, Charles Laird, Doug Lumbard, Scott Pelton, Dan Clark -- all of them unbelievably sauced -- but found out that the whole keg was gone and there was nothing left to drink at all. In fact the party was just about over. Craig was upset, but we got back in his car and decided to go check out some other parties he'd heard about.

First we went past Craig's house. "Shit, Cathy's home," he said when he saw his sister's car parked in their driveway. "That means I can't sneak in and get my bottle of gin." We went past a couple of houses -- Mike Weaver's, for one, where there wasn't a soul in sight, and then down to Linda & Lori Sahlinger's. A few kids were standing in the driveway, including Lori and Cathy, but it looked as though the party was over at their house, too. Craig talked to Cathy for a few minutes, and she told us that "everyone went to Absolor's." 

Well, Craig was starting to get very frustrated. It seemed like we were missing out on all these great parties. So, back in the car, and we drove over to his house. It was well past midnight by this time so we snuck into his house like two burglars, trying not to wake up his parents. He went into his room and grabbed his bottle of dry gin. We stuck it in my purse, grabbed my penguin, and then switched cars and took off. 

There is nothing worse in this world than dry gin straight (I'm already an expert on the subject) so we went to 7-11 and bought a couple bottles of 7-Up to mix it with. Then we decided to take a chance and swing past John's again, to see if the party really was over. It was. Only a few people were left, so we were going to leave except for a minor emergency ... Craig, my brilliant new boyfriend, locked the car keys in the car. We panicked at first, but then enlisted the aid of these two guys who managed to get it unlocked with a wire coat hanger.

With nothing better to do -- it was 1:00 in the morning, but neither one of us wanted to go home -- we were having too much fun being together -- we decided to drive up and park at the airport, the "hot" parking spot around here. There were only a few other cars there besides us, and it was dark and secluded and private. Craig mixed us both a drink, and we sat there listening to the radio and talking. It seemed that with each passing minute it got easier and easier for us to talk to each other. I told him that I've been dropping speed and mesc a lot lately -- not bragging, just being honest -- and he admitted that he'd never tried it. "I don't think I'd ever have the nerve," he said. He asked me what it was like, and I told him "Speed is like every nerve in your body is tingling, while mesc slows down all your reflexes." Pretty soon I got tired of that gin, and I realized that if I didn't take it easy I was going to end up SICK. Amphetamines and alcohol do NOT make a good combination. Craig had had all he wanted, too, so I opened the car door and poured our drinks onto the ground. We've still got 3/4 of a bottle for tomorrow night.

Well, our drinks were finished, and I shifted nervously when I realized what would probably be happening next. I think we both knew it was time for him to make his move. It all happened so fast, it's kind of a blur in my mind. All I know is that he suddenly pulled me into his arms and kissed me fiercely, and although I was surprised, I responded. We sat there and kissed for a good twenty minutes, and I swear no guy has ever turned me on as thoroughly as Craig did. He held me so tight, kissed me over and over and over, nonstop. We frenched -- the first time I've ever french-kissed and enjoyed it -- and he gave me a hickey on my neck. He stroked my hair, caressed my face, all the while he never stopped kissing me. During a brief interval, when I was locked in his arms with my head against his chest, I said "How long are we staying?" 

"A while longer," he said. 

"Good -- then I want to take my coat off, 'cause I'm hot," I said, struggling to unbutton it. 

"I do too," Craig said. 

Now how do I explain this next part? Something about me taking my coat off really started him going. It did something to him!  And this time things started happening faster than I could keep up with. I was so stoned, though ... We started doing other things -- to leave out all the explicit details, we ended up laying down, him on top of me. He was kissing my breasts, I was stroking his legs  and before I knew what was happening he was unsnapping my pants. Just when I thought I'd lost all control, he said "Terri." 

I couldn't say anything. 

He said, "I want to." 

I was dying inside, burning up with desires I thought I'd forgotten, torn between what I SHOULD do and what I WANTED to do. I couldn't answer him, I couldn't cry, I couldn't utter a sound. All I could do was lay there in the intensity of the moment and hold him, waiting to see what he would do next.

"Can we go all the way?" he asked.

Something came over me in a flash -- common sense, I guess. I've been through the hell of wondering if I was pregnant ... the waiting, the counting of days, the cold fear that comes over you when you realize your whole life hinges on a mistake you made just once. 

Numbly, I shook my head no.

"Are you mad at me for asking?" he said. We were still clinging to each other, and I held him tight. I was starting to realize how much I really care for him.

"No," I said. "I'm glad you did."

"Why?" he asked, confused.

"Well, I'm glad you asked first, instead of just going ahead and trying to do it," I replied softly.

"Is it because you don't like me enough, or what?" he asked. He didn't seem upset, just curious. That was the beginning of one of the most beautiful half hours I've had in a long, long time. We lay there in each others' arms, putting aside all thoughts of having sex, and just talked, mostly about where we're headed. I wish I could remember our conversation word for word, but here are the highlights: he said several times that he really likes me, and the way he said it -- looking into my eyes and stroking my hair while I did the same to him -- I said, "Are you sure?" and he said, "I am POSITIVE." The neat thing is, I know he's sincere! He's not just feeding me a line. We walked about how long we'll last, and he said he wants to stay with me a long time, all through the summer and into next year. 

"I don't know," he said. "How long do YOU want to stay together?" 

"Oh," I said, "All summer long, then next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that ..." 

He said, "OK. How many kids do you want?" 

Once again we brought up the subject of past relationships. I asked him about Denise and Lori, his most recent girlfriends. "Who broke up with who?" I asked.  He said that he broke up with Denise because she was always flirting with other guys. About Lori, he had nothing nice to say. "She broke up with me," he said flatly.

Well, that's just about the whole story. I've been writing for two hours -- it's 5:30 in the morning, completely light outside.

 

 

 

So much for good intentions.

Sunday Morning
June 9, 1974

I feel so awful. What have I done??? 

Craig and me went to Paul Price's house last night for about four hours. It wasn't a party, exactly, just a get-together with a few people (Paul, his sisters Lori and Brenda, Denise Meredith, my childhood pal Anita Brown and Tony Gauthier, Shannon Campbell, Eldon Denhert, and then me and Craig). We got pretty drunk. I drank Coke mixed with dry gin, SLOWLY so I wouldn't get sick, plus a couple of beers, and pretty soon I didn't even know what I was doing. Craig and me ended up going downstairs into Paul's bedroom, and you can take it from there what happened. 

I just feel like SHIT. Boy, talk about rushing things. It was only our second date and already we've done everything there is to do. This really makes me feel confused about my feelings for Craig. I want to care for him, in a deep and meaningful way, but now I don't know if I can.

Me and my God-damned big drunk mouth last night. I told him every detail of my relationship with Clarence. I feel SO DUMB.

Before Bed:

Feeling a little better now, but I've got a headache that just won't quit. It's so, SO late, and I'm almost ready to crash. Spent the day at Phil Rehberg's house with John Riley.

I'll finish this tomorrow. I'm too tired.

 

 

 

 

Monday
June 10, 1974

I took too much speed today -- five hits all at once -- and I was completely wasted all day. I probably flunked the Biology final because it was all I could do to even read the questions. Craig thought I was mad at him.

Actually, this wasn't too bad a day, when I was straight enough to enjoy it. Craig came over this morning at 7:15 and gave me a ride to school: we got there early so we could have some time together. We decided to re-sign each other's annuals, and I wrote 2 long pages' worth, all about how much I like him, how I hope we stay together a LONG TIME, etc. etc. It took me all of 1st period to sign it, but I was already starting to get off on the speed so the time went by in a flash. I spent 2nd period writing Karen a 6 page note, telling her all about my WILD WEEKEND. 3rd period Algebra was more fun than ever. Me, Karen Curtis, Chuck and Doug spent the whole hour talking about the weekend and about Steve Peterson's big party tomorrow night.  I'm going, I think. I heard it's going to be a really great one. During 4th period the speed was starting to get to me. I just sat there and stared at the walls. Lunch was OK. Shel and me sat on a bench under the blazing sun and talked. Her and me are gonna go on the pill together. The rest of the day I felt like a zombie. Craig drove me home, but first we went to the bank in Boulevard Park, then we parked in my driveway and talked. I jumped into my cut-offs and halter, slathered myself with baby oil and spent a good 3-4 hours out in the sun. Karen dropped over for a while.

Sun's going down now -- it's a little past 6 -- but it's so pleasant out here, I just want to sit here and think. Physically, I feel awful. I have a huge headache, a combination of a cold and a hangover, plus I'm so tired it's ridiculous. Mentally, I guess things are all right. Craig and me seem to be so close already no kidding and in a way that's pretty neat. At Paul's party he told me he loves me, more than any girl ever. Hmmm. I think maybe he was just a little too drunk & excited. I know I was.

Here's a progress report on my tan: my arms and even my hands are noticeably darker, which is a major improvement. My legs are still deathly pale, but my shoulders and back are starting to brown nicely. It's no great change, really, but it's a start and I'm proud of it. I'm sick of being WHITE summer after summer, and I'm going to really work on it.

I hope that Craig and me stay together all summer long. He's special to me -- someone who honestly and sincerely cares about me as a person, not just for my body. He's so considerate of me, makes me feeling like something special. I have to admit that we've rushed into things, especially the physical stuff, but it doesn't seem to matter.

 

 

A letter to my faithful penpal, Mark Peterson.

June 10, 1974

Dear Mark,

Wow, as usual i'm late writing back to you, but that's nothing new, right? All i can say is SORRY. You know how it is at the end of the school year, though -- all the exams and finals and stuff, i've been kept pretty busy. School ends tomorrow for us -- in a way i'm glad,
because i love the summer, but it'll be sad too, saying "bye" to people i won't be seeing for a while. 

This is going to be a fantastic summer for me because i have a lot of neat friends plans. i'll tell ya about them later on; right now i want to tell you what's been happening lately.

This was a "wild weekend" -- everyone's been having parties, and i think i must have hit every single one. The best of all will be tomorrow night at Steve Peterson's place --i heard that almost everyone will be there. It was fun this weekend. Friday night we went down to the Seattle Center for a while -- they were having a free rock concert with "Chinook," it was really good, and we went on some rides & stuff. Then we went to one of the biggest parties i've ever been to -- i swear there must have been two hundred or more people there, and everyone was so drunk, it was funny. There was a lot of good stuff there. i guess i haven't been living what you could really call a "Christian life" lately.  Lately I've been dropping mostly mescaline and speed. i'm not hooked on it or anything, no way, but i've been dropping it a lot lately -- seems like everyone in school has. i don't know --  it just gets me through the rough spots and makes me happy. i dropped 5 hits this morning and BOY! i tell ya, i never felt so good. i don't like drinking or getting drunk too much, but gee, when you're at a party or a kegger or something and everyone is sitting around drinking, what can you do? Just sit there like a bump on a log? You know what i mean. 

Now i have to tell you about my exciting plans. Well, first of all i'm paying $50 and joining C.T.I.T. at our church (Christian Teens In Training). It's a really neat experience -- you get to go on a lot of retreats and learn about God and stuff. It costs a lot but i hear it's worth it. We'll be going on a 10 day bus trip to Idaho in July. Oh, and of course i'm going to Camp Firwood again in August,  the 12th thru the 24th. Wish you could go!! i know you'd love it, but you'll write to me while i'm there, RIGHT??? (right!) 

So what are your plans? Ever coming over to Seattle? If you are, be sure and let me know, OK. OH, I almost forgot, how was BYC? As you've undoubtedly figured out by now, i wasn't there. i wanted to go, but there wasn't any way i could work it out (it's a long story) but i hope you got lots out of it. Tell me about it. Hey, i never even asked you, how've you been? i hope everything's been going good for you on your end of the world! School's out for you, huh? What kind of grades did you end up with? (or should i ask??) i'm not sure but i think i'm getting mostly C's, maybe a B or two.  That's good enough, Dad doesn't expect me to get straight A's all the time. (That would be impossible anyway.) i spent the whole afternoon today, ever since i got home from school, laying out in the backyard working

 

 

 

Now that Craig & me are really, truly together, for what I hope will be a long long time, I feel like the world's luckiest girl ... he loves me, he really loves me!!  Me, a former nobody, going with one of the best-looking, most popular senior guys at school! It's too good to be true! I feel like singing "Candle In The Wind," saying goodbye to Clarence forever. I still love him and always will, but I've finally done the impossible -- I've found someone to take his place.

And it seems to me that you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind

Goodbye, Clarence. Goodbye, ancient tears and broken hearts and faded dreams, goodbye to love that was, and is, and never again will be .... it is all very sad, and yet beautiful.

 

 

 

FAVORITE SONGS DURING THIS JOURNAL:

"The Air That I Breathe" - The Hollies
"Oh Very Young" - Cat Stevens
"If You Wanna Get To Heaven" - The Ozark Mountain Daredevils
"Tubular Bells" -
"Radar Love" - Golden Earring
"For The Love Of Money" - The O'Jays
"The Show Must Go On" - Three Dog Night
"Sundown" - Gordon Lightfoot
"Teenage Love Affair" - Rick Derringer
"Waitin' at the End of the Line" - Lobo
"The Night Chicago Died" - Paper Lace
"If You Go Away" - Terry Jacks
"Captain Howdy" - Simon Oakes
"I've Had It" - Fanny
"Waterloo" - Abbah (sic)
"Georgia Porcupine" - George Fischoff
"Rock Your Baby" -
"Annie's Song" - John Denver








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