June 15, 1974
"Eyes of A Child Pt. II"
summer's here once again, and I've got a new ledger to start
things off with ... 45 pages to fill with my innermost thoughts,
prayers, dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, fears, goals, ideas ...
wondering what these next three months hold in store.
is being written late -- almost 1:30 a.m. -- on a Saturday night. I'm
sitting here in the living room watching the ending of an old mystery
movie, "The Lady In A Cage," drinking cream soda on the rocks, eating
cold chicken and thinking. Partly about moving, partly about joining
CTIT ... but mostly about Craig. I spent almost the whole day with him.
Last night we went to Saltwater Park for an hour or two -- we sat on a
rock by the shore and watched the sun setting over the water, holding
hands, sharing the serenity of the evening ... it was beautiful. Then
we went to a drive-in movie, "The Sting," and I didn't get home until
almost 2 a.m. I guess I'm lucky I didn't get in trouble.
today was Craig's day off, and since I was home alone, he came
over around 2:00 and kept me company. Since it was such a cloudy,
un-summery day, we stayed indoors watching TV & stuff. Around
3:00 we walked over to Grandma's house so I could pick up a couple
things. We all sat there and talked about family stuff. When we finally
managed to "escape" and were walking back to my house, we saw this huge
turtle crawling slowly down the middle of the busy street. He didn't
seem to belong to anyone, and we felt sorry for him, so we picked him
and took him down to Sunset Park to set him free by the pond. While we
were down there we ran into Scott Pelton and Roger Clark on their bikes,
talked to them for a while.
When Craig left, I walked down to the store to pick up a couple of things for
dinner. On the way I ran into Clarence, and later, in line to the
checkstand, I talked to his mom for a couple of minutes. Just seeing
him did things to me ... I don't think I'll ever forget him, or that
the pain will ever completely go away ...
Craig came back over at 7:30 and we spent a fun evening here at my house. Dad
was back in his radio room the whole time, so we were as good as alone.
I baked some butterscotch cookies, and we sat on the couch watching TV,
eating cookies and drinking Coke. Once we made a quick trip over to
7-11, where I bought this new ledger and some stuff for Father's Day
tomorrow (a couple of comic books, a yo-yo, a balsa wood glider). We
went outside and played Frisbee for a while, but it was too dark to see
what we were doing so we went inside and lay down on the couch
together, watching TV. He left at a quarter to one.
surprised myself. Craig and me have only been together for two
weeks, but already we're so close, and love each other so much ... not
just in a physical way, but in a more meaningful way, almost spiritual.
We communicate ... we understand each other. I love him
deeply, and for me it's what I've needed so much this year ... he fills
up the vacuum in my soul that Clarence left. He makes me feel alive
again. I'll always love Clarence, in a way that I'll never be able to
love anyone else, but Craig is something special ... he helps me to
forget the past. Just to know that someone loves me, cares
for me, wants me as much as he does -- i can't begin to explain what
that means to me.
June 16, 1974
Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?
day. I slept in later than usual, didn't even wake up until past noon.
Took a long, cool shower and washed my hair, then Dad and me went over
to Grandma and Grandpa's for an hour or so to celebrate Father's Day.
When we got home, around 2:30 or so, I put on an old grubby pair of
cut-offs and mowed the lawn for Dad, in an effort to soak up a little
of that hot, hot sun. I don't think I'll ever get tanned.
Karen and I, tanning in my backyard
(with a little help from Jasper and Lawnmower)
Craig hasn't called me all day, but I'm not worried. That's something I love
about him the most. I feel secure in his love, if you know what I mean
... I know that I don't need to worry that he'll just break up with me
for no reason, the way some guys have lately. He loves and needs me
just as much as I love and need him ... and it's so neat!
Well. Craig isn't going to come over tonight, so I have to find something to
do for the next few hours. He called around 6:00 and told me he
accidentally wracked up the family car, so now his Dad is pretty mad at
him. Then he said he thought it would be a good idea if he stayed home
tonight. I guess I over-reacted. I was pretty upset. I was counting on
seeing him & being with him, so when he told me he wouldn't be
over I got super mad -- like it was his fault. (Layla
.) He kept asking, "Are you mad?," and in a chilly voice I'd
say, "No," then I wouldn't say anything else. I acted like a two year
old. All I can do now is hope he calls back, so I can apologize for my
June 17, 1974
I feel terrible. Just like that, overnight, I feel terrible. I don't
understand it. Started my "party" today, maybe that explains the sour
mood. I spent most of the day outside in the sun -- Karen dropped over
for a couple of hours. We looked through my old ledgers and annuals,
talked about Craig, CTIT, the retreat this weekend, Camp Firwood, her
parents' divorce ... all that. When she left, I went out into the front
yard, tried to write a letter to Mark, watched all the people going by
(Jerry Turner, Tim O'Brien, Lisa Pride & Leita Peirce, to name a few) and
sorted through a bunch of my old peechees and notebooks.
Craig came over at 6:15. We were both in lousy moods, but at least we weren't
picking at each other. I was upset because Dad's been breathing down my
neck lately, giving me a lot of shit -- and because I am now becoming frantic
about moving. We still haven't found a new place to live, and we've
only got a few days left here in this house. I don't know what Craig was
upset about, but I only hope it wasn't anything to do with
me. We took a long walk. First we walked down to Sunset Park
-- there was a baseball game going on -- but things were dull there so
we went over to Sunset school, where we walked around and peered in the
windows of all my old classrooms & stuff. Later, we took a
drive and went to this little private beach in Redondo, where we sat on
a log facing the water and talked. On the way home we stopped at
Herfy's for a hamburger and a milkshake.
hope my feelings for Craig last. I mean, I hope I don't just stop liking
him, because I know how much that would hurt him. Tonight I was having
those awful, plaguing doubts that I always get whenever I've settled
down with a guy & gotten him to really care for me. I think I
know what the problem is ... even tho I really want a steady
relationship with a guy, I'm scared to death of getting hurt again.
Y'know? Makes sense.
I think that I always enjoyed the
chase more than the capture.
finished a great midnight snack, a ham sandwich and a blueberry pop
tart with a tall glass of milk, mmm. Something strange is going on with
my appetite -- lately, I am ALWAYS hungry.
June 18, 1974
Craig didn't call me once all day today, and I'm trying not to worry. Maybe
he had to work late, or go somewhere with his family, or SOMETHING.
good news today -- I can hardly believe it, but there is an EXCELLENT
chance that we may not have to move!!! I just can't believe how really
great the Lord is, how He answers prayers! I won't go into all the
details, but I'll just say
June 20, 1974
so happy. A lot of things are starting to shape up in my life -- I just
hope it lasts a while. For one thing, the fact that we may not have to
move removes a HUGE weight from my soul. The thought of leaving this
house was destroying my whole life (practically)! I couldn't
enjoy anything at all.
the CTIT training sessions at church are doing wonders for my spiritual
life. I'm back into the Bible, praying, thinking of God as more than
just a duty, and it feels great. I still feel a conflict of
life styles, though: part of me wants to be a Christian and commit
myself completely to Christ, but the other part is reluctant to give
up my old/new habits ... the parties, my boyfriend, taking drugs, all
that. (Superman. ) Both life styles are a part of
me, and I wish there were some way I could combine the two. But I know
that can never be done; it'll have to be one or the other, I know that,
and I can't put the decision off much longer.
in love, too, and that always makes life easier -- to know
that someone really cares about me and wants me. Craig is so special to
me. (Waterloo.) He came over tonight,
and since I actually cleaned my room today, we sat on my bed, watching
TV, talking, enjoying being with each other ...
it's 20 minutes to 1:00 in the morning. Dad's out in the living room
talking on the radio, so I'm listening to my new records nice and loud,
writing Craig a letter, and feeling so good.
With boyfriend "Craig"
The night before I left on the Lilly Dell Dunes retreat
June 22, 1974
I am at the retreat to Lilly Dell Dunes
... full of mixed emotions.
went out with Craig last night, and I had a super-good time, I really
did. We did a lot of everything ... ate dinner at my Grandma
St. John's house, where we were having a family reunion: there were a
million relatives there, including my mom and stepdad, my brothers and
sister, and all my aunts, uncles and cousins ... (what fun) ... so Craig
got to meet the family. After we left Grandma's house, we drove over to
visit Paul for a while, but he was getting ready for a "hot date" with
Kitty Lindgren so we decided to leave and find our own fun. We drove around
to a lot of places; went down to Three Tree Point to watch the sun set,
went over to Moshier Field to watch part of a baseball game, and then
went to the airport for an hour or so. It was really fun -- we went
walking around inside the Main Terminal, watching all the people. After
that we went and parked at Sunset Park for a while. It took us 15
minutes to say "goodbye." I'll only be gone on the retreat
for four days, but it feels like an eternity.
Afternoon - on the Lilly Dell Dunes retreat
June 24, 1974
has been a strange retreat. Tomorrow we'll be leaving, and in a way
I'll be glad to get home ... nothing has really gone wrong,
specifically, and I'm not in a bad mood, really. But things haven't
been going all that smoothly, either. I've been having a lot of
depression spells. I've spent most of my time this weekend with Phil.
Yesterday we made our annual trip to the jetty (zzz), and since neither
of us felt like clambering all those dumb rocks just to see the
Columbia River meet the ocean (again), we sat on the beach and talked.
And last night, during "Steal The Flag," the two of us teamed up and
made a daring raid on the other team's camp, with the use of a "fake
now I'm sitting on my sandy bunk, starving to death ... lunch seems
like ages ago. Dinner won't be for another hour, either. Great. Mary Fisher
is standing right in front of me, brushing her hair and closing her
suitcase; Lisa Maher is snoring in the top bunk above me; Sue W. is asleep
on the other side of the room. Outside, the boys are playing football
... I can hear Tom Horton yelling "Hold that
deee-fense!” Someone is singing in the room next
door. Outside in the hallway, doors slamming, footsteps. Karen is off
somewhere recuperating from the water fight half an hour ago. ("I
dunno ... I'm gonna change my shirt.”)
we spent two hours in Long Beach, going to all the stores and
stuff. Fun, fun. I bought a couple of rings, a little statue
for Craig, and some tiny sea shells. ("One, two, THREE,
miss Craig, sorta ... you know, I wonder what he's doing &
stuff, if he's thinking about me at all. ("Phil, way to BE!”)
I won't be seeing him until Friday or Saturday. Hmmm. I
wonder if I'll make it.
June 26, 1974
home ... whew. Slept in really late this morning, took a long hot
shower this afternoon to get rid of all the sand and grit and muck, and
relaxed all day long. My shattered nerves (from being a counselor to
the Jr. High kids) deserve some peace and quiet!
Craig came over for a while. He has a new job, with an increase in pay, but
unfortunately his new hours are 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. -- which means I
won't be seeing him too much this summer. ICCKK!! He has
Friday off, and said that he has "big plans" for him and me. I don't
know how to tell him that there's a CTIT Deeper-Life Retreat at
church on Friday night, and I'm already committed to going. Oh
well ... I guess that'd just a part of keeping God first in my life,
other interests second. Craig brought me a present, a cool-cool-cool
album, "Buddha & The Chocolate Box" by Cat Stevens. We spent
the afternoon laying on my bed, listening to records, watching TV and
talking. It was beautiful to be with him again. I missed him so much.
Dad and me found out for sure that we can stay in this house. Praise
more important item, and that concerns my relationship with Phil. I'm
starting to love him more and more every day. I spent almost every
minute of the retreat with him ... we ate together, played games
together, sat by each other on the bus, walked along the beach, held
endless meaningful conversations. I never seem to get tired of being
with him. Tonight I went to Bible Study, and after the lesson we were
together again, him, me & his cousin Kris, laughing at the Jr.
High kids, talking about assorted trivia ... having a good time. I never
feel as ease with any other guy as I do
with Phil. Not even with Craig. It's strange. We're so close.
We can talk about anything and everything, and we communicate in our
own special way. He understands my problems; the hassles with Dad,
boyfriends, my confusion about God, school, loneliness, seeking a place
in the world. He understands, and that's why I love him so much.
that's where the problem lies. Lately I've been having different
feelings about him, beyond the simple brother-sister-love type feelings
... like maybe I love him more than I should. And it scares me to think
that maybe he feels the same way about me. I know that if we ever tried
to turn our friendship into a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, it would be
great -- for a while. But then I would wander off and cheat on him, and
eventually we would break up, and our friendship would never be the
same again. I'm not sure what to do about it.
Phil and me, sitting on the church bus
We're still just friends at this point
June 27, 1974
grey, rainy cold day ... the kind of day that makes it feel good to
stay inside a nice, cozy house. After I spent a long morning cleaning
up the kitchen, Craig came over to spend the afternoon. We sat in the
living room watching game shows on TV, talking, "stuff." Lately I've
been talking about Phil an awful lot, and Craig is getting jealous.
Maybe I'd better cut it out.
went to A & W for hamburgers and root beer, then he had to
leave for work. I HATE his new hours, but he's getting $1.38 more an
hour so I guess it's worth it.
got a letter from Janet, my friend in Canada, and she says
that she'll be at Camp Firwood this year too. I can't wait to
see her again.
June 29, 1974
let off some steam, FAST. There's nothing like writing in my ledger to
provide the emotional release I need.
now I'm sitting here on my bed with Craig, watching TV and feeling
strange ... he's all upset, I'm all upset, tempers are running high.
We've been picking at each other all night, over insignificant little
things. We're supposed to go to Paul Price's party tonight, and I don't
want to go AT ALL. Craig's all excited about it, though, so I guess I'm
slated. For one thing, I don't feel much like socializing -- guess you
could say I'm in a bitchy mood. Plus, the thought of getting drunk or
(even worse) sitting there watching everyone else get drunk doesn't
exactly thrill me. What I feel like doing is spending a quiet, relaxing
evening here at home, watching TV, talking, sharing the serenity. But
no, here I go to some cruddy party with a bunch of people I can't
stand, drinking stuff I hate the taste of, talking about things I
couldn't care less about. Wonderful.
June 30, 1974
morning. I feel so terrible. When I first woke up a few minutes ago, I
felt this terrible, heavy weight on my soul, and I knew something was
wrong, but I couldn't remember what it was. Then I remembered Craig, and
everything that happened last night, and my heart just sank. I'm so
depressed. What on earth am I going to do??
can't tell Tom Horton, that's for sure. I'm supposed to go and "have a talk"
with him before church tonight -- I've been telling him about my
involvement with drugs, and he's been counselling me, giving me God's
point of view -- but if I tell him about this, he'll never be able to
trust me again. He might even kick me off the CTIT staff. But what can
Craig said last night, "Call me when you want to see me again." Sure. It
isn't quite that simple. I want to see him again, soon, today,
right now. But I
can't. I can't risk getting into any more trouble than I already have.
the same day:
Well, Craig called me today. He apologized, and asked me if I wanted to break
up. He sounded so hurt, so lonely ... I felt awful, but somehow I got
the strength to tell him not to call me anymore. Guess it's over.
taking it so well, I can't believe it. I actually feel happy, full of
joy in the Lord. It's neat.
I went to evening service with Phil and John -- The Hawaiian
Ambassadors sang for us. It was really beautiful. Confusingly peaceful.
("Higher and Higher," The Moody Blues)
July 1, 1974
busy today to think about Craig very much. Dad got me up early this
morning - 10:00 - and we spent almost the whole day shopping. We went
to downtown Seattle, to this Army/Navy surplus store I'd heard about,
and I finally got some real, honest-to-goodness swaby jeans. Dad bought
me two pairs. He also bought me a Kodak Pocket 20 camera to take on the
Bus Caravan and to Camp Firwood later this summer.
ran into Dale Copeland when we were at Payless, talked to him for a while and
told him to drop by sometime. I like Dale: he's very sweet, a
we shopped, we went to Triple X for hamburgers and rootbeers, then I
rode my bike over to Grandma's to wash my new pants and get the
stiffness out. Grandma slipped me $5 for the bus trip next week. I
still have to buy some sandals and a light jacket.
think I'll hold off a while longer before I call Craig. Originally I
only wanted us to take a "breather," to take some time and re-evaluate
our relationship, and then I planned on calling him in a couple of
days. But after thinking it over, I've hit upon a new plan. I won't
call him at all this weekend, and then on Saturday, the day before I
leave for the 10-day bus trip to Idaho, I'll mail him a letter, saying
everything I feel. What the letter will say, I have yet to decide.
the back of my mind, a single thought is starting to take shape. What
if I'm pregnant? I won't know until the middle of this month.
most of the day at Karen's house, watching her move all her furniture
and stuff into her parents' old bedroom. Her mother moved out of their
house yesterday, so Karen and her Dad traded bedrooms. Alan
and Kevin each came over for a while to talk to us, what a couple of
Goofing around at Karen's house
After dinner tonight I took a walk down to Albertsons to
get a few things for the bus trip: saw SCOTT ARMSTRONG, of all
people, and almost had a heart attack!! I don't think he saw
me, though. Whew. Stopped and had a brief chat with Mike Mangels, this guy
that lives down the street from me. He's a very nice guy.
plans for tonight are to watch TV and clean my room, probably go to bed
July 3, 1974
night, one second after I wrote the above entry, the phone rang.
It was Karen, inviting me to come over and watch TV with her. I stayed
at her house until 11:00. We watched the movie "A Summer
Without Boys," ate brownies, talked to Alan, Jim and Rodney when they
stopped by, and had a pretty good time.
I as walking home, at a little past 11 p.m., a car stopped
right behind me, but it was pitch dark so I couldn't see who it was.
Some guy leaned out the window and yelled, "Hey Terri,
I said "Who is it?" Like I'm
sure, I really go walking up to strangers in cars in the middle of the
night! I stayed right where I
He said, "It's me, it's Brad -- Brad Weddle." (A guy from
school.) To make a long story short, it turned out that Brad
and a couple of his friends were out cruising around, and they asked me
if I wanted to go over to Steve Peterson's house with them. I said
OK. Steve's parents are gone for two weeks, so Steve had some
of his friends over, the three guys I was with and then Brad DuBois (my
boyfriend from 5th grade!) At first I thought to myself, "My God, what
am I doing here?" All these guys are jocks around school, and
I felt kinda weird. But then we started drinking beer and
smoking pot, and soon I relaxed and started enjoying myself. Brad DuBois
put his arm around me and started kissing me. Him and me went
downstairs to Steve's bedroom for awhile, but we didn't "do" anything.
got home at 5:00 a.m. Brad (D.) drove me home, kissed me goodbye.
finished the monstrous job of cleaning the kitchen and refrigerator;
now I can sit around and relax for a while until Dad gets home. If he
ever finds out how late it was when I got home last night, I'll
probably be grounded for ten years.
it's just my imagination, but my hands REEK of pot. I can't seem to get
rid of the smell, and it's making me sick. Would you believe, last
night was the very first time I ever smoked pot in my life? A first! I
didn't have all that much to drink, just three beers, but for me that's
a lot. I start acting goofy and wobbly after two. So when Steve took
the brass incense burner off the coffeetable and said, "Terri, you
smoke pot, don't you?," I was already pretty out of it. We all passed
the joint around, everyone had some except for Brad Weddle (he's in training for sports) and it was
neat. It made me feel sorta calm and peaceful.
don't know why I even bothered getting up so early this morning. I knew
he (Brad D.) wouldn't call me today. I have a feeling I've been used
again. You'd think I'd learn. Last night at Steve's house he was
hanging all over me, acting so sweet & loving. Shit. I
should've known, I should've known, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN. Well, one small
consolation: at least I didn't let him "do" anything last night, that I
would be sorry for later. I think he was probably just trying to see
how much he could get off me, but all he did was kiss me.
Unfortunately that's not what he told his buddies upstairs ...
wish Dad and his damned friends would SHUT THEIR DRUNK FUCKING MOUTHS
and let me GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!!!!
July 4, 1974
morning. Feeling semi-awful, groggy from disturbed dreams, worried. I
feel like a discarded piece of garbage. I never would have figured Brad
DuBois to be the type to just use girls, the way he used me. What a shock.
I guess I just let my guard down and was unprepared.
cloudy day. Fits my mood pretty well.
to go to Burien with Dad this morning -- went and walked through the
Fourth of July carnival, with all the rides and people and noise, and I
felt terrible. Now I'm sitting here in my room, trying to think of some
way to cheer myself up. Contemplating changing my furniture around.
What a thrill.
The next day
I weakened -- I called Craig and I apologized for the snotty way I've
been acting. It was so
on the Bus Caravan for 10 days
July 7-16, 1974
night 6:00 p.m.
July 16, 1974
I'm home from the Bus Caravan ... It's been a long, long ten
days, and I'm exhausted. But it was super-super-super neat, and I'm SO
GLAD I went. In the past ten days my entire life has been changed. I
gave myself completely to Jesus Christ yesterday afternoon -- when we
were staying at Pearrygin Lake, in Eastern Washington -- after nine
long days of mental struggle. It was a tough decision to make, for it
means committing everything -- my mind, my heart, my body, my soul --
to God. But I made the decision, and now I am His. He is in me, I have
made up my mind and taken my stand, and now I know I'll find everything
I've been searching for. There have been other changes, too, but I'm
tired and need to go to bed. I promise I'll write tomorrow.
In Coeur D'Alene, Idaho on
the Bus Caravan
July 17, 1974
I'm back. (Good morning!) This is a rainy, cloudy day, and I'm spending
my time here in my clean bedroom ... took a long, hot shower this
morning, and it felt SO GOOD! Now I'm sitting here on my bed, listening
to records and feeling peaceful inside. Dad's watching TV; Albie
& Benji are here in my room keeping me company.
Craig called me this morning to welcome me back from the bus trip, and I
didn't know what to say to him. This past ten days something very
important happened, and it concerns my relationship with Phil. As
usual, I spent most of my time with him -- eating together, sitting
together on the bus, etc. We went for long
walks, talked about life and God and the world in general,
and confided in each other all our worries and problems. One time when
we were staying at Palouse Falls, Washington, I stood at the edge of
the falls with Karen and watched Phil clambering around near the bottom
with John, more than 700 feet below us ...
... and all of a sudden I just knew that I
After spending so much time with each other, I could feel us
growing closer and closer. I also had a feeling that what Phil felt for
me went beyond friendship, that maybe he was thinking along the lines
of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But I also had another feeling
--- that we both realized it was a big risk. If things didn't work out,
it would be sure to destroy the closeness we have right now. It would
be like losing a best friend. So I think we were both afraid
to cross that line.
was a fantastic day. Right before lunch I talked to Sue Wieker, the girls
counselor, and after a long struggle with myself I finally gave in
& gave myself to Jesus. I felt the change immediately. The rest
of the day was so much fun. Karen, Phil and me all walked to the
Pearrygin Lake store and bought bottle of soap bubbles. Then when we
got back to camp, we sat on top of the bus in the rain, blowing bubbles
and singing and eating taffy. (Reverting to childhood?!) Later, we all
went to Winthrop to look around town.
That night we had our "fireside"
inside the bus. It was so beautiful -- I was scared, because I knew I
should share my decision for a new life, but I didn't know what to say
or how to say it! Somehow, the Lord put the words in my mouth, and my
testimony came out perfectly. I knew just what to say!
fireside, a bunch of us decided to stay up all night. Since we didn't
want to be eaten alive by mosquitos, we sat on the bus with a lantern
and played cards, talked, shared, told jokes, etc. It was fun, but I
was tired and I finally gave up and staggered off to bed about 1 a.m. After
I left, Phil just sat there on the bus, looking down at the floor.
Karen saw him, and he looked so sad that she went over and asked him
what was wrong. He kept saying "Nothing," but Karen could tell
something was really bugging him. Finally, with a perception I didn't
know she had, she gently asked him "Do you like Terri as more than a
He looked at the floor for a minute, not saying a word. Then
he looked at her, sighed and said, "A whole lot more."
to make a long story short, Phil and I are now "together." I love
him SO MUCH -- he's a
beautiful person. I just don't know what to do about Craig.
I'd Be So Happy
an eventful day! Dad and me went to Burien for a couple of hours,
where I bought a new album, "Hard Labor" by Three Dog Night, and a new
necklace. We ate dinner at The Chuckwagon. Church tonight was
fantastic. I was all keyed-up, excited about being with Phil. We split
into small discussion groups - I was with Kriss Hess (Phil's cousin), Karen, Addie Hetherington, Karen Lamb
and Sherrie C. -- we talked about our biggest fears. It was
After church, when Kriss was driving us home, Phil
had his arm around me!
wow I almost forgot to mention. Mom called me today and offered me a
job babysitting at her house every day, 8 to 10, $2.00 a day, starting
July 18, 1974 6:10 p.m.
One thing is for sure -- I'm in love. Not with Craig, anymore, but
with Phil. Honestly! (I know) that sounds
so immature. One week I'm "in love" with Craig, the next week I'm "in
love" with Phil. (I know I'm) treating love as though it were an every
day experience, something to be taken lightly. But. Phil and I have
been so close, for so long, that we seem "made for each other." I feel
like we understand each other perfectly, care about each other in an
honest way. I just hope it lasts. The last thing in the world I want to
do is hurt Phil.
was a neat day in a lot of ways. I had to get up at 7:00 to go babysit
at Mom's, but that was alright. No big thrill.
July 19, 1974
at Mom's right now. The kids seem to have all disappeared,
so I'm sitting alone in the living room listening to Mom's records and
thinking. Phil should be calling any minute now.
on earth am I going to do about Craig??? I can't go with two
guys at the same time. I wish I could! But if I even tried,
I'd end up losing them both.
saw Phil today -- I also saw Craig -- and my heart has reached a
decision. I love Phil. I really do. I can't even talk to Craig
anymore. I tried, but there's a wall between us, communication-wise. I
think he senses it as much as I do.
July 20, 1974
midnight. I'm home alone right now, and feeling a little
nervous about it. Dad won't be home until 3 a.m., he said when he was
leaving. I keep "hearing things"... the dogs keep barking at something.
Hope no one is lurking around outside. Right now I'm sitting here on my
bed with my clean, wet hair pulled back into a ponytail, listening to
"Quadrophenia" and thinking.
I don't want to go to the Open House tomorrow with Dad. The way he told
me about it made it sound more like a command than an invitation. It
sounds like a total waste of time. Phil and his mom both invited me to
come over to their house after church. I hope I can swing it somehow.
I'm feeling sad about Craig.
I'm hoping that what I feel for Phil is the genuine article. If I ever
hurt him, even unintentionally, I think I'd die. I love him too much.
Life can be such a jumble. I'm going to turn it all over to the Lord in
prayer, and then I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted.
night 11:30 p.m.
July 21, 1974
Exhausted, to be precise, but as usual full of thought. I love him more
and more every day. I was with him for ten whole beautiful wonderful
hours today, time spent sharing and talking and simply being together.
It's such a load off my mind, not to have to worry that all he's after
is sex. I feel free, free, FREE. Holding hands with Phil is a more
exciting thrill than going to bed with any one of the low-class creeps
I've kept company with this past year could ever be.
tomorrow morning for a five-day camping trip to the San Juan Islands.
How will I survive without him?
July 22, 1974
can't I scrape up any energy today? I've already conquered the
living room -- swept, dusted, rearranged, all that dreary housewifely
stuff. But now I feel totally wasted, even though a mountain of dirty
dishes await me in the kitchen, and my bedroom is beginning to look
like it was hit by a typhoon.
had the urge to go out and do something terrible tonight ... something
wild and shameful and sinful. I want to get stoned so bad, it hurts. If
only I could get my hands on some mescaline, or even a nickel bag. But
I CAN'T!!! I promised the Lord!!
July 23, 1974
what do I do?? My brother gave me four joints this morning
when I was babysitting at Mom's. They're in my purse, right this very
get this ... Craig broke up with me
today. I can't believe it! My brain simply refuses to accept
the pure irony of the situation. Here I've been these past two weeks,
practically sweating blood trying to think of a way to "let him down
easy," and what happens? He beats me to it! We're going to stay
friends, though, thank goodness. We had a long talk - a confrontation,
you might say - and although I shed a few tears, I don't regret the
decision. My pride may have been stung, a little, but talk about
feeling FREE ... at least now I can love Phil with a clear conscience,
and not feel like a two-timer. So -- goodbye, Craig. It was
nice while it lasted.
now about the joints.
After Craig left my house, when he had given me "the word," I broke down and
cried and beat my fists against my pillow and felt miserable and
bitter. Then I broke down even further and smoked one of the
joints. It didn't take me long to realize what I was doing, and to
straighten up. In a glorious moment of triumph, I watched the little
plastic bag filled with that smelly, nauseating weed disappear down the
toilet. I feel FREE. I have every right to live my own life, to be my
own person. I don't have to do anything this world expects me to. I
belong to Jesus, and He has set me free. FREE!!!
Kyle Christopher Rehberg (my future son?)
July 25, 1974
terribly calm and peaceful and happy. I spent a lot of time thinking
today. I'm glad that Craig and I have officially called it
quits. At first, when he told me he "doesn't feel the same about me
anymore," I wasn't sure whether I should cry or smile ...
whether I should be crushed or elated. It was a definate blow to my
pride. But, after thinking it over and giving it careful consideration,
I've realized that it was all for the best. I'm glad it's over. I could
really love Phil a lot. I already do, as a brother and a dear friend,
and nothing will ever change that. BUT. I'm going to take it easy with
him and not rush into anything. I care about him too much to just use
him and then discard him like yesterday's Kleenex.
about boys. You'd think I have a one track mind. Hardy har har.
Firwood is in 17 days! Mixed emotions ... anticipation mingled with
July 26, 1974
mind, my heart, my soul, my entire being seems to be singing one
word: "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, TOMORROW!”
Tomorrow Phil comes home from his trip - has it only been 5
days? It seems more like years. I can't wait to see him. I'm not sure
what time he'll be home, but even if I can't see him, I can at least
talk to him on the phone. Joy! Elation!
happy today. It was HOT - 80 degrees or more - and I spent the whole
afternoon out in the sun. I got a sunburn!! I can't believe it! My
legs, my arms and my chest actually have COLOR ... it's so nice not to
be deathly pale for a change!
Karen's mad at me.
July 28, 1974
out here in the shade of the backyard -- very quiet and
peaceful. Phil's coming over in 45 minutes ...
feeling quiet anticipation. A soft breeze is blowing, the sun
is beginning to set. It was hot today -- 82 degrees at least. The radio
is playing ... the dogs are laying here
by my lawn chair. I'm wearing a ragged old pair of cut-offs and an old
football T-shirt of Craig's.
I'm happy. Why shouldn't I be?
I've got a new Christian boyfriend who likes me a lot. Karen
and me are best friends again. I have a job. I go to Camp Firwood
(third yr. in a row) in two weeks. Phil's coming over tonight. Tomorrow
Kar, Phil and me are going to Sambo's with our sixth grade teacher Mr. Iverson. I'm finally
getting tanned. I'm going to Basic Youth in September. My pictures
are all getting developed. I'm just happy.
he isn't here yet. Hmmm. Wonder what's going on? Why's he so late? Maybe the
- he's here, all's right with the world.
July 29, 1974
was a cool day. Karen and Phil both came over early-early in the
morning, and we all walked down to Albertsons to visit Mr. Iverson (our
sixth grade teacher, now he's working at the grocery store). It was
super-fun, just like old times. He took us all to Sambo's for lunch,
and over cheeseburgers and Cokes we caught up on all the latest news
and relived our favorite 6th grade memories. He was my all-time
stayed at my house until 10:30.
feel typically summery today, all full of sunshine and baby oil and
lemonade. I'm a little worried about last night -- Phil and me were
sitting out in the backyard together until 10:30
entry ends abruptly)
August 2, 1974
haven't had much time to write this week, I've been so busy
-- our CTIT group has been helping out with Duwamish
Church's "Teen Scene" every night. Tonight we went rollerskating at
Auburn Rink, and it was a blast. Not many people on the rink, so we
had plenty of room to skate! It was neat. Tomorrow
morning we have to be at the church at 9:30 to go on a hike and picnic
to Denny Creek, which oughta be fun. I have a lot more I could say, but
I'm really tired so TOMORROW.
Oh, one thing - I really, REALLY am
starting to love Phil a lot. He's the kindest, nicest, most loving guy
I've ever liked, and I don't ever want to lose him. He's too precious
August 3, 1974
wow, what a neat day! We went on our hike, and it was really fun. I
was with Phil the whole time. At Denny Creek we hiked up to the falls
and clambered around on the rocks, getting soaking wet from the spray.
Later in the afternoon we went to Lake Sammamish to join the rest of
our church at the Family Picnic. We did the skit "And Let God," and I
was chosen to give my testimony in front of the church. Got home at
10:15. Phil got his Drivers License a couple days ago, so he drove.
LOVE Phil. I love him, love him, love him. How am I gonna SURVIVE for
2-1/2 weeks at Firwood without him???? Phil is the sweetest,
kindest, most beautiful, most sincere, most spiritual guy I've ever
liked. Everything about him is so special and so neat. How lucky can I
get??? Every time I think about him my heart just sings, my pulse
quickens, I feel like jumping and dancing and praising God. I never
want to lose him. And I can't wait for the day he tells me he loves me,
August 5, 1974
Ledger, it is so wonderful!! Yesterday after church I went and spent
the day at Phil's house. It was super-fun. We watched the hydroplane
races part of the time, played ping pong, and sat on his bed talking.
It was fun.
8:30 Phil drove Marla, Sharon and me home -- he dropped them off at
their house, and then him and me decided to park his car at the church
and walk around. We stopped off at Karen's -- she had just gotten home
from Oregon -- stayed a couple of minutes. With nothing better to do,
we sat in his car for 3-1/2 hours ... talking. We didn't get home until
almost 1:30 a.m.! It was so neat. I mean, there we were, technically
"parking," but there was no sexual involvement. We had our arms around
each other, and he kept kissing my forehead, but nothing beyond that.
It was really really beautiful. We talked about everything, and -- he
told me he LOVES me!
"... so you don't like me anymore, huh?"
Him: "No ... I love you."
he said that, so softly and gently, it was like fireworks going off
inside me! I felt all of this love and joy and wonder in my heart, and
I knew that I love Phil, I love him and always, always will. He kissed
me last night, too, a moment I will cherish. We were in my driveway
when he was dropping me off, and just before I got out I leaned over
and kissed him quickly on the cheek. He took my face and kissed me
back, so fast I almost didn't realize what was happening. I put my head
against his chest, and he said, "I'm going to Connie's party tomorrow,
OK?" (a party to which I was pointedly not invited).
"OK," I murmured.
He said "That's what real love
is all about."
I waited a couple of seconds, hoping he'd kiss me again.
He didn't, so finally I said, "If you'll just kiss me goodnight, dummy,
I'll get out of your car!"
He laughed, kissed me and said "I love you."
was my day off from babysitting, so I slept until 1:15 this afternoon. Went to Karen's
for an hour or so, did the housework -- Rhonda dropped over!
Phil didn't call me all day and I'm trying not to worry. I'm scared
that maybe he got into a lotta trouble with his parents for coming in
so late last night. At least I don't have to worry that he doesn't care
for me anymore.
swear I can't get him out of my mind for one second. It's never been
like this before, never with any guy I've ever liked. This time when I
say I love him, I know in my heart and mind that it's true, and that I
August 6, 1974
at Mom's. My step-brother Pat and me are sitting here in the living room watching game
shows on TV. Phil never called yesterday, and so far he hasn't called
today, either. Hmmm.
I feel isolated.
August 7, 1974 10:55 a.m.
kinda bad happened last night, and I got into a lot of trouble. Now I
don't know what to do.
A whole bunch of us from church took Karen
Simmons to Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor for a goodbye party (she's moving
to Arizona today). There were sixteen of us altogether, so they had to
push a bunch of tables together to seat us all, and then we all chipped
in and bought two "Zoos," a super-huge ice cream sundae that feeds 10
people. We sang "Happy Trails" to her, and it was so neat ... so much
fun. After we were done eating we all drove over to the church (Phil
was driving the car I was in, natch) and then sat in a circle around
Karen and prayed for her. It was beautiful.
9:00 Phil, me, Karen and Ryan didn't have anything to do, so we drove
down to Sunset Park to play on the swings and goof off. Later, Phil
drove Karen and Ryan home so we could be alone. We went back to the
church to sit and talk. It was just as neat as Sunday night. He kissed
me a couple of times, but most of the time we just talked. That's the
beautiful part of our relationship: Christ is at the center of it, so
we can share His love and not get physically involved. Well, I didn't
get home until 3 a.m., and that's when I really got into trouble -- Dad
was waiting up for me, and he was MAD .
My choice of punishments: either be grounded for the rest of this week
(which means I can't see Phil before I leave, because I can't even go
to church) or else "find someone else to pay for
camp.” I just cannot understand my dad.
Three months ago I was going out with all these dope freaks and sex
maniacs, getting drunk and taking drugs and getting all but assaulted.
These creeps I was going out with always got me home at 3, 4 or 5 a.m., and either
Dad didn't know or he didn't care. But now I've finally found a good,
clean, honest guy ... one who has his priorities straight, putting God
first in his life, a guy who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, has never
taken drugs and never will. I don't have to worry about ending up in
the backseat with him because he just isn't that kind of
guy!!! But for some reason Dad hates him, and doesn't trust
him at all. Well, THAT'S JUST TOUGH!!
has control of the situation. At least Dad let me go to church tonight,
and that's a start. If I didn't have Jesus in my heart I'd probably go
crazy. He loves me, even at times when it seems no one else does, and
that promise is very real & very comforting to me. Kar and Phil
are both praying for me. Praise God I have friends like them. Peaceful.
August 8, 1972
figuring expenses for camp ... it's gonna be a tight squeeze. I have so
many things I have to buy before I leave -- I'm running up quite a bill
for myself. Mom wants me to stay here and babysit until 4:30. Phil
should be coming by any time, at least I hope he does.
August 10, 1974
is probably going to be the last chance I'll have to just sit and relax
for the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for two
weeks at camp. Divided as to how I feel about going ... in a way I'm
excited, because Firwood is a fantastic place and I always have a great
time while I'm there. However, the thought of leaving Phil isn't a
happy one ... I'm going to miss him like crazy.
almost 1:00, Saturday afternoon. I spent the whole morning at
Grandma's, washing and mending my clothes. She tucked a $5 bill into my
pocket, which I need desperately. Now I'm sitting out in my lawn chair,
soaking up the hot sun and thinking. Phil's coming over tonight. After
today there won't be any more journal entries until August 24th.
just left. Saying goodbye to him was so hard. I love him so much.
It's late at night, and I have to get up early. Icck.
I feel so strange
inside ... kind of bumpy and upside down and inside out. I'm sorta
nervous about camp. The first couple of days are always the toughest
... getting adjusted, making friends, finding a place for myself. I
always feel so awkward around new people. I just hope and pray that the
whole two weeks turn out to be as neat & as fulfilling as ever.
One other hope: that my love for Phil, burning so fiercely right now,
will last and last. I know I must sound like a broken record, but I
LOVE him!! ("Explain it all with a sigh ..”) I
don't want to think about other guys while I'm at camp. Sure, I hope I
get asked to the Banquet by someone neat, but THAT'S ALL!!! I want, SO
BADLY, to be faithful to Phil. I can't sleep. I can't even RELAX. I've
been tense and fidgety this evening -- probably just the pre-Firwood
Phil gave me a 1-1/2 page letter that he wrote, and I'm going to try
and save it until Tuesday. I DOUBT that I'll make it, though!!
for bed. Goodnight, Ledger, and goodbye for two weeks. The next time I
write to you, I'll be home, with volumes to tell you about!
CAMP FIRWOOD FOR TWO WEEKS ...
August 24, 1974
I'm home. Two whole weeks at Firwood, and suddenly, BAM, it's over.
Just like that. Sometimes it scares me how fast time flies by.
was pretty neat. At first I was lonely and depressed, lost without
Phil, and seemingly friendless. I wanted to come home so bad. But after
a few days I met a lot of super-neat people and made a lot of special
August 26, 1974 12:15
kinda hard to write, because Phil is hanging over my shoulder
watching me write right now ...
on the Singing Hills retreat, as counselors for the Jr. High kids. What
a chance to relax, ha ha ha
so depressed, I can't seem to snap out of it. Maybe it's my sore
throat or my headache, but mostly it's just me. I hate
myself today. All I can think of is all the things I can't do, and what
a boring person I must be. I never swim, I never play tennis, I don't
ride horses, I never ride bikes anymore. I'm such an empty person. I
can't do anything. I can't stop crying and everyone must hate me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had a
whopping case of strep throat, which almost certainly was contributing to my "depression."
Why am I so tired? Why don't I have any energy? Why do I
always get headaches that last for days at a time? Is there something
wrong with me?
This is my favorite picture of Phil, taken during the Singing Hills retreat
August 28, 1974
The sore throat I picked up on the retreat turns out to be some
kind throat infection that just WON”T GO AWAY. It hurts so
bad, I can't even swallow. Tomorrow Grandma and Grandpa are going to
take me to a doctor. I'll tell him about the sore throat and he'll
probably prescribe some type of antibiotics or something, but it will
also give me a chance to tell him about my headaches and my constant
tiredness and lack of energy. IT HURTS!
August 29, 1974
just wasting time today. There are so many things I should be
doing, like cleaning my room or doing the housework or getting ready
for the doctor. But. Total lack of energy.
was school registration, I forgot to mention. Here are the classes I'm
signed up for:
Literature (with Karen)
Shorthand 1 x 2
US History Since 1900 (with Karen)
Health (with Karen)
August 30, 1974
might be one of the very last times I write in this ledger ...
time and pages are both running out. I'd like to get a brand new ledger
to start a brand new school year with, and school is only four short
days away. Within these next four days I have so much shopping to do,
so many things to get done. I'm really trying not to get bogged down by
the materialism of it all, but it's HARD! Sunday I'm going
shopping for my school clothes, Tuesday for my shoes. Money, money,
feel a lot better today. This morning when I woke up, I made a new and
special committment to the Lord. I promised Him that from now on, I'm
going to thank Him and praise Him for everything
that happens in my life, the bad as well as the good. That's going to
be hard to do, because I know that the Lord is going to test this new
committment, seeing whether or not I really mean it. He'll be providing
me with opportunities to prove it, you might say. Anyway, I prayed and
thanked Him for my sickness and for my terrible sore throat --
sincerely thanked Him -- and it's almost gone now!
didn't see Phil today at all, but at least he called me once this
afternoon. Today was the CTIT party, but I couldn't go; I decided that
a couple of days of total rest were something I needed desperately. I
missed seeing him, of course, but at least I don't have to worry about
him running around with other girls. He loves me totally and
completely, and for the first time in my life I feel assured about the
guy I'm going with.
coming up so soon. I can't believe it. Where did the summer go?? I look
back over this whole ledger and I think of all the dumb, stupid,
idiotic things I did, and all the time I wasted. And of course I also
think about the neat & beautiful things that happened -- the
Bus Caravan, dedicating my life to Christ, discovering my love for
Phil, Camp Firwood. This summer wasn't an entire loss!
wonder what the coming school year is going to be like ... what people
I'm going to meet, what opportunities I'm going to have to grow and
share the Lord, what obstacles I'm going to face. Wow. It's a long,
long year ahead of me ... I think back again, this time to all of the
many, many things that happened to me during my sophomore year last
year, and I realize just how very much is ahead of me.
I want to live for Christ. I really do. I don't want to go back to
the senseless, idiotic world of drugs and drinking and weekend parties
and dating non-Christian guys. I don't WANT any of that!!! I want to
trample my old reputation by living a new, clean, CHRISTIAN life, so
that people can see that I really have changed. I want to keep my brain
clear, not messed up with pot and mesc and speed and
I want to stay with Phil. I LOVE him! I don't want to hurt him! I want
to belong to him as a girlfriend and stay clear of all the
non-Christian guys floating around.
these objectives too far-fetched? Do you think I can make it? I pray
August 31, 1974 7:30 p.m.
wish Phil would call me. I haven't seen him since Thursday night and
I miss him. He said he would come over tonight but so far not even a
phone call. Hmmm. I hope nothing's wrong, that he isn't mad at me or
anything. I love him so much ... especially tonight, after I haven't
seen him for so long. I MISS HIM!
phone just rang. Heart failure. But it was only Shelly, with some neat
news -- she has turned her life back over to Christ too, just like I
did. Wow! Praise God! I've been praying for her, and what an answer!
tried calling Phil's house a couple minutes ago and there was no
answer. Oh well -- it's obvious that the Lord wants me to stay home
this weekend and completely rest. He's using a very effective method,
too ... he keeps cancelling my plans and sending my friends out of
called, finally, around 9:00, and we talked for 45 minutes. He's been
at his grandma's all day, which is why he couldn't call sooner.
September 1, 1974
tired but happy Terri Vert is almost ready to collapse into bed. What a
day: after church this morning, Dad dropped me off at Southcenter with
$160 in my pocket, and I spent a long, tiring three and a half hours
shopping for my school clothes. The whole time I felt God walking along
beside me, helping me and guiding me and keeping me from getting
discouraged. I'm happy with my purchases, and I got a lot of nice
4:30 Phil came and picked me up, and after a brief stop at home I went
to his house for the evening, had dinner with his family. He might be
able to take me out tomorrow! (Maybe.) He kissed me goodnight, and for
some reason it made me really happy. I love him.
September 2, 1974
Happy second birthday, window scars!
was a lazy, fruitless day ... one of the last before school starts
(sob). Off and on all day I tried to clean my room, do something
productive, but I just have too many things swirling around in my head.
I feel all keyed up and excited. I LOVE Phil!!! I really do, and it
excites me to realize he feels the same way -- that he's mine, for now
and maybe forever. I hope I can see him tonight, and that Dad doesn't
get mad when I ask him.
September 3, 1974
Ledger, this is it -- not only the last time I'll write in you, but the
final evening of summer, as well. How sad. Tomorrow is the first day of
my junior year in high school. I anticipate with mixed elation and
dread -- knowing that the coming year holds so much in store for me.
And I also realize that the only way I'm going
to make it is by trusting Christ to walk along beside me and lead me
through the hard times. Now, more than ever, I know what it means to
"walk in the Spirit,"and it's something that I intend to practice every
day for the rest of my life. I leave now, a different person than I was
on the first page of this ledger .... ready to face whatever may lay
ready. It was a beautiful summer. Goodbye.
SONGS DURING THIS LEDGER
"I've Had It"- Fanny
"If You Wanna Get To Heaven"- Ozark Mt. Daredevils
"Rock Your Baby"- George McCrea
"Machine Gun"- The Commodores
"Leavin' It All Up To You"- Donny & Marie Osmond
"Beach Baby" - First Class