JOURNAL NO. 11
June 1974 - September 1974
Age 16, sophomore year/summer before junior year


  Reflection

"Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life ... "



Saturday
June 15, 1974

"Eyes of A Child Pt. II"

Well, summer's here once again, and I've got a new ledger to start things off with ... 45 pages to fill with my innermost thoughts, prayers, dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, fears, goals, ideas ... wondering what these next three months hold in store.

This is being written late -- almost 1:30 a.m. -- on a Saturday night. I'm sitting here in the living room watching the ending of an old mystery movie, "The Lady In A Cage," drinking cream soda on the rocks, eating cold chicken and thinking. Partly about moving, partly about joining CTIT ... but mostly about Craig. I spent almost the whole day with him. Last night we went to Saltwater Park for an hour or two -- we sat on a rock by the shore and watched the sun setting over the water, holding hands, sharing the serenity of the evening ... it was beautiful. Then we went to a drive-in movie, "The Sting," and I didn't get home until almost 2 a.m. I guess I'm lucky I didn't get in trouble.

Anyway, today was Craig's day off, and since I was home alone, he came over around 2:00 and kept me company. Since it was such a cloudy, un-summery day, we stayed indoors watching TV & stuff. Around 3:00 we walked over to Grandma's house so I could pick up a couple things. We all sat there and talked about family stuff. When we finally managed to "escape" and were walking back to my house, we saw this huge turtle crawling slowly down the middle of the busy street. He didn't seem to belong to anyone, and we felt sorry for him, so we picked him and took him down to Sunset Park to set him free by the pond. While we were down there we ran into Scott Pelton and Roger Clark on their bikes, talked to them for a while.

When Craig left, I walked down to the store to pick up a couple of things for dinner. On the way I ran into Clarence, and later, in line to the checkstand, I talked to his mom for a couple of minutes. Just seeing him did things to me ... I don't think I'll ever forget him, or that the pain will ever completely go away ...

Craig came back over at 7:30 and we spent a fun evening here at my house. Dad was back in his radio room the whole time, so we were as good as alone. I baked some butterscotch cookies, and we sat on the couch watching TV, eating cookies and drinking Coke. Once we made a quick trip over to 7-11, where I bought this new ledger and some stuff for Father's Day tomorrow (a couple of comic books, a yo-yo, a balsa wood glider). We went outside and played Frisbee for a while, but it was too dark to see what we were doing so we went inside and lay down on the couch together, watching TV. He left at a quarter to one.

I've surprised myself. Craig and me have only been together for two weeks, but already we're so close, and love each other so much ... not just in a physical way, but in a more meaningful way, almost spiritual. We communicate  ... we understand each other. I love him deeply, and for me it's what I've needed so much this year ... he fills up the vacuum in my soul that Clarence left. He makes me feel alive again. I'll always love Clarence, in a way that I'll never be able to love anyone else, but Craig is something special ... he helps me to forget the past.  Just to know that someone loves me, cares for me, wants me as much as he does -- i can't begin to explain what that means to me.

Enough.

 


 

 

Sunday
June 16, 1974
 
Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?

Hot day. I slept in later than usual, didn't even wake up until past noon. Took a long, cool shower and washed my hair, then Dad and me went over to Grandma and Grandpa's for an hour or so to celebrate Father's Day. When we got home, around 2:30 or so, I put on an old grubby pair of cut-offs and mowed the lawn for Dad, in an effort to soak up a little of that hot, hot sun. I don't think I'll ever get tanned.

Tanning in the backyard with Karen

Karen and I, tanning in my backyard
(with a little help from Jasper and Lawnmower)
Summer 1974

Later (late afternoon):

Craig hasn't called me all day, but I'm not worried. That's something I love about him the most. I feel secure in his love, if you know what I mean ... I know that I don't need to worry that he'll just break up with me for no reason, the way some guys have lately. He loves and needs me just as much as I love and need him ... and it's so neat!

More later.

7:30 p.m.

Well. Craig isn't going to come over tonight, so I have to find something to do for the next few hours. He called around 6:00 and told me he accidentally wracked up the family car, so now his Dad is pretty mad at him. Then he said he thought it would be a good idea if he stayed home tonight. I guess I over-reacted. I was pretty upset. I was counting on seeing him & being with him, so when he told me he wouldn't be over I got super mad -- like it was his fault. (Layla .)  He kept asking, "Are you mad?," and in a chilly voice I'd say, "No," then I wouldn't say anything else. I acted like a two year old. All I can do now is hope he calls back, so I can apologize for my immaturity.

 


 

 

Monday
June 17, 1974

Now I feel terrible. Just like that, overnight, I feel terrible. I don't understand it. Started my "party" today, maybe that explains the sour mood. I spent most of the day outside in the sun -- Karen dropped over for a couple of hours. We looked through my old ledgers and annuals, talked about Craig, CTIT, the retreat this weekend, Camp Firwood, her parents' divorce ... all that. When she left, I went out into the front yard, tried to write a letter to Mark, watched all the people going by (Jerry Turner, Tim O'Brien, Lisa Pride & Leita Peirce, to name a few) and sorted through a bunch of my old peechees and notebooks.

Craig came over at 6:15. We were both in lousy moods, but at least we weren't picking at each other. I was upset because Dad's been breathing down my neck lately, giving me a lot of shit -- and because I am now becoming frantic about moving. We still haven't found a new place to live, and we've only got a few days left here in this house. I don't know what Craig was upset about, but I only hope it wasn't anything to do with me.  We took a long walk. First we walked down to Sunset Park -- there was a baseball game going on -- but things were dull there so we went over to Sunset school, where we walked around and peered in the windows of all my old classrooms & stuff. Later, we took a drive and went to this little private beach in Redondo, where we sat on a log facing the water and talked. On the way home we stopped at Herfy's for a hamburger and a milkshake.

I hope my feelings for Craig last. I mean, I hope I don't just stop liking him, because I know how much that would hurt him. Tonight I was having those awful, plaguing doubts that I always get whenever I've settled down with a guy & gotten him to really care for me. I think I know what the problem is ... even tho I really want a steady relationship with a guy, I'm scared to death of getting hurt again. Y'know? Makes sense.

I think that I always enjoyed the chase more than the capture.

Just finished a great midnight snack, a ham sandwich and a blueberry pop tart with a tall glass of milk, mmm. Something strange is going on with my appetite -- lately, I am ALWAYS hungry.

 


 

 

Tuesday 8:30 p.m.
June 18, 1974

Craig didn't call me once all day today, and I'm trying not to worry. Maybe he had to work late, or go somewhere with his family, or SOMETHING. Hmmmm.

Fantastically good news today -- I can hardly believe it, but there is an EXCELLENT chance that we may not have to move!!! I just can't believe how really great the Lord is, how He answers prayers! I won't go into all the details, but I'll just say

(entry ends)

 



 

 

Thursday 12:20 a.m.
June 20, 1974

I'm so happy. A lot of things are starting to shape up in my life -- I just hope it lasts a while. For one thing, the fact that we may not have to move removes a HUGE weight from my soul. The thought of leaving this house was destroying my whole life (practically)!  I couldn't enjoy anything at all.

Secondly, the CTIT training sessions at church are doing wonders for my spiritual life. I'm back into the Bible, praying, thinking of God as more than just a duty, and it feels great.  I still feel a conflict of life styles, though: part of me wants to be a Christian and commit myself completely to Christ, but the other part is reluctant to give up my old/new habits ... the parties, my boyfriend, taking drugs, all that. (Superman. ) Both life styles are a part of me, and I wish there were some way I could combine the two. But I know that can never be done; it'll have to be one or the other, I know that, and I can't put the decision off much longer.

I'm in love, too, and that always makes life easier  -- to know that someone really cares about me and wants me. Craig is so special to me. (Waterloo.)  He came over tonight, and since I actually cleaned my room today, we sat on my bed, watching TV, talking, enjoying being with each other ...

Now it's 20 minutes to 1:00 in the morning. Dad's out in the living room talking on the radio, so I'm listening to my new records nice and loud, writing Craig a letter, and feeling so good.

 


 

Craig

With boyfriend "Craig"
The night before I left on the Lilly Dell Dunes retreat
Summer 1974

Saturday
June 22, 1974

Well. Here I am at the retreat to Lilly Dell Dunes  ...  full of mixed emotions.

I went out with Craig last night, and I had a super-good time, I really did. We did a lot of everything ...  ate dinner at my Grandma St. John's house, where we were having a family reunion: there were a million relatives there, including my mom and stepdad, my brothers and sister, and all my aunts, uncles and cousins ... (what fun) ... so Craig got to meet the family. After we left Grandma's house, we drove over to visit Paul for a while, but he was getting ready for a "hot date" with Kitty Lindgren so we decided to leave and find our own fun. We drove around to a lot of places; went down to Three Tree Point to watch the sun set, went over to Moshier Field to watch part of a baseball game, and then went to the airport for an hour or so. It was really fun -- we went walking around inside the Main Terminal, watching all the people. After that we went and parked at Sunset Park for a while. It took us 15 minutes to say "goodbye."  I'll only be gone on the retreat for four days, but it feels like an eternity.

 


 

 

Monday Afternoon - on the Lilly Dell Dunes retreat
June 24, 1974

This has been a strange retreat. Tomorrow we'll be leaving, and in a way I'll be glad to get home ... nothing has really gone wrong, specifically, and I'm not in a bad mood, really. But things haven't been going all that smoothly, either. I've been having a lot of depression spells. I've spent most of my time this weekend with Phil. Yesterday we made our annual trip to the jetty (zzz), and since neither of us felt like clambering all those dumb rocks just to see the Columbia River meet the ocean (again), we sat on the beach and talked. And last night, during "Steal The Flag," the two of us teamed up and made a daring raid on the other team's camp, with the use of a "fake mop," remember?

Right now I'm sitting on my sandy bunk, starving to death ... lunch seems like ages ago. Dinner won't be for another hour, either. Great. Mary Fisher is standing right in front of me, brushing her hair and closing her suitcase; Lisa Maher is snoring in the top bunk above me; Sue W. is asleep on the other side of the room. Outside, the boys are playing football ... I can hear Tom Horton yelling "Hold that deee-fense!”  Someone is singing in the room next door. Outside in the hallway, doors slamming, footsteps. Karen is off somewhere recuperating from the water fight half an hour ago. ("I dunno ... I'm gonna change my shirt.”)

Today we spent two hours in Long Beach, going to all the stores and stuff.  Fun, fun. I bought a couple of rings, a little statue for Craig, and some tiny sea shells. ("One, two, THREE, FOUR!”)

I miss Craig, sorta ... you know, I wonder what he's doing & stuff, if he's thinking about me at all. ("Phil, way to BE!”) I won't be seeing him until Friday or Saturday.  Hmmm. I wonder if I'll make it.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday
June 26, 1974

I'm home ... whew. Slept in really late this morning, took a long hot shower this afternoon to get rid of all the sand and grit and muck, and relaxed all day long. My shattered nerves (from being a counselor to the Jr. High kids) deserve some peace and quiet!

Craig came over for a while. He has a new job, with an increase in pay, but unfortunately his new hours are 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. -- which means I won't be seeing him too much this summer. ICCKK!!  He has Friday off, and said that he has "big plans" for him and me. I don't know how to tell him that there's a CTIT Deeper-Life Retreat at church on Friday night, and I'm already committed to going. Oh well ... I guess that'd just a part of keeping God first in my life, other interests second. Craig brought me a present, a cool-cool-cool album, "Buddha & The Chocolate Box" by Cat Stevens. We spent the afternoon laying on my bed, listening to records, watching TV and talking. It was beautiful to be with him again. I missed him so much.

Today Dad and me found out for sure that we can stay in this house. Praise the Lord!

One more important item, and that concerns my relationship with Phil. I'm starting to love him more and more every day. I spent almost every minute of the retreat with him ... we ate together, played games together, sat by each other on the bus, walked along the beach, held endless meaningful conversations. I never seem to get tired of being with him. Tonight I went to Bible Study, and after the lesson we were together again, him, me & his cousin Kris, laughing at the Jr. High kids, talking about assorted trivia ... having a good time. I never feel as ease with any other guy as I do with Phil.  Not even with Craig. It's strange. We're so close. We can talk about anything and everything, and we communicate in our own special way. He understands my problems; the hassles with Dad, boyfriends, my confusion about God, school, loneliness, seeking a place in the world. He understands, and that's why I love him so much.

But that's where the problem lies. Lately I've been having different feelings about him, beyond the simple brother-sister-love type feelings ... like maybe I love him more than I should. And it scares me to think that maybe he feels the same way about me. I know that if we ever tried to turn our friendship into a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, it would be great -- for a while. But then I would wander off and cheat on him, and eventually we would break up, and our friendship would never be the same again. I'm not sure what to do about it.

 Just friends at this point
Phil and me, sitting on the church bus
We're still just friends at this point
Summer 1974

 

 

 

Thursday 5:00 p.m.
June 27, 1974

Cloudy, grey, rainy cold day ... the kind of day that makes it feel good to stay inside a nice, cozy house. After I spent a long morning cleaning up the kitchen, Craig came over to spend the afternoon. We sat in the living room watching game shows on TV, talking, "stuff." Lately I've been talking about Phil an awful lot, and Craig is getting jealous. Maybe I'd better cut it out.

We went to A & W for hamburgers and root beer, then he had to leave for work. I HATE his new hours, but he's getting $1.38 more an hour so I guess it's worth it.

I got a letter from Janet, my friend in Canada, and she says that she'll be at Camp Firwood this year too. I can't wait to see her again.

 

 

 

 

Saturday 8:00 p.m.
June 29, 1974 

Gotta let off some steam, FAST. There's nothing like writing in my ledger to provide the emotional release I need.

Right now I'm sitting here on my bed with Craig, watching TV and feeling strange ... he's all upset, I'm all upset, tempers are running high. We've been picking at each other all night, over insignificant little things. We're supposed to go to Paul Price's party tonight, and I don't want to go AT ALL. Craig's all excited about it, though, so I guess I'm slated. For one thing, I don't feel much like socializing -- guess you could say I'm in a bitchy mood. Plus, the thought of getting drunk or (even worse) sitting there watching everyone else get drunk doesn't exactly thrill me. What I feel like doing is spending a quiet, relaxing evening here at home, watching TV, talking, sharing the serenity. But no, here I go to some cruddy party with a bunch of people I can't stand, drinking stuff I hate the taste of, talking about things I couldn't care less about. Wonderful.

 

 

 

 

Sunday
June 30, 1974

Early morning. I feel so terrible. When I first woke up a few minutes ago, I felt this terrible, heavy weight on my soul, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't remember what it was. Then I remembered Craig, and everything that happened last night, and my heart just sank. I'm so depressed. What on earth am I going to do??

I can't tell Tom Horton, that's for sure. I'm supposed to go and "have a talk" with him before church tonight -- I've been telling him about my involvement with drugs, and he's been counselling me, giving me God's point of view -- but if I tell him about this, he'll never be able to trust me again. He might even kick me off the CTIT staff. But what can I do?

Craig said last night, "Call me when you want to see me again." Sure. It isn't quite that simple. I want to see him again, soon, today, right now.  But I can't. I can't risk getting into any more trouble than I already have.

Later the same day:

Well, Craig called me today. He apologized, and asked me if I wanted to break up. He sounded so hurt, so lonely ... I felt awful, but somehow I got the strength to tell him not to call me anymore. Guess it's over.

I'm taking it so well, I can't believe it. I actually feel happy, full of joy in the Lord. It's neat.

Tonight I went to evening service with Phil and John -- The Hawaiian Ambassadors sang for us. It was really beautiful. Confusingly peaceful. ("Higher and Higher," The Moody Blues)

 

 

 

 

Monday 6:07 p.m.
July 1, 1974

Too busy today to think about Craig very much. Dad got me up early this morning - 10:00 - and we spent almost the whole day shopping. We went to downtown Seattle, to this Army/Navy surplus store I'd heard about, and I finally got some real, honest-to-goodness swaby jeans. Dad bought me two pairs. He also bought me a Kodak Pocket 20 camera to take on the Bus Caravan and to Camp Firwood later this summer.

I ran into Dale Copeland when we were at Payless, talked to him for a while and told him to drop by sometime.  I like Dale: he's very sweet, a good friend.

After we shopped, we went to Triple X for hamburgers and rootbeers, then I rode my bike over to Grandma's to wash my new pants and get the stiffness out. Grandma slipped me $5 for the bus trip next week. I still have to buy some sandals and a light jacket.

I think I'll hold off a while longer before I call Craig. Originally I only wanted us to take a "breather," to take some time and re-evaluate our relationship, and then I planned on calling him in a couple of days. But after thinking it over, I've hit upon a new plan. I won't call him at all this weekend, and then on Saturday, the day before I leave for the 10-day bus trip to Idaho, I'll mail him a letter, saying everything I feel. What the letter will say, I have yet to decide.

Later:

In the back of my mind, a single thought is starting to take shape. What if I'm pregnant?  I won't know until the middle of this month.

 


 

 

July 2, 1974

Spent most of the day at Karen's house, watching her move all her furniture and stuff into her parents' old bedroom. Her mother moved out of their house yesterday, so Karen and her Dad traded bedrooms. Alan and Kevin each came over for a while to talk to us, what a couple of sweet guys. 



Goofing around at Karen's house
Summer 1974

After dinner tonight I took a walk down to Albertsons to get a few things for the bus trip: saw SCOTT ARMSTRONG, of all people, and almost had a heart attack!!  I don't think he saw me, though. Whew. Stopped and had a brief chat with Mike Mangels, this guy that lives down the street from me.  He's a very nice guy.

Only thrilling plans for tonight are to watch TV and clean my room, probably go to bed early. Funzies.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday 9 a.m. 
July 3, 1974

Last night, one second after I wrote the above entry, the phone rang. It was Karen, inviting me to come over and watch TV with her. I stayed at her house until 11:00. We watched the movie "A Summer Without Boys," ate brownies, talked to Alan, Jim and Rodney when they stopped by, and had a pretty good time.

When I as walking home, at a little past 11 p.m., a car stopped right behind me, but it was pitch dark so I couldn't see who it was. Some guy leaned out the window and yelled, "Hey Terri, c'mere!”  

I said "Who is it?"  Like I'm sure, I really go walking up to strangers in cars in the middle of the night!   I stayed right where I was.  

He said, "It's me, it's Brad -- Brad Weddle."  (A guy from school.)  To make a long story short, it turned out that Brad and a couple of his friends were out cruising around, and they asked me if I wanted to go over to Steve Peterson's house with them. I said OK.  Steve's parents are gone for two weeks, so Steve had some of his friends over, the three guys I was with and then Brad DuBois (my boyfriend from 5th grade!)  At first I thought to myself, "My God, what am I doing here?"  All these guys are jocks around school, and I felt kinda weird.  But then we started drinking beer and smoking pot, and soon I relaxed and started enjoying myself. Brad DuBois put his arm around me and started kissing me. Him and me went downstairs to Steve's bedroom for awhile, but we didn't "do" anything.

I got home at 5:00 a.m. Brad (D.) drove me home, kissed me goodbye.

Later (that afternoon)

Finally finished the monstrous job of cleaning the kitchen and refrigerator; now I can sit around and relax for a while until Dad gets home. If he ever finds out how late it was when I got home last night, I'll probably be grounded for ten years.

Maybe it's just my imagination, but my hands REEK of pot. I can't seem to get rid of the smell, and it's making me sick. Would you believe, last night was the very first time I ever smoked pot in my life? A first! I didn't have all that much to drink, just three beers, but for me that's a lot. I start acting goofy and wobbly after two. So when Steve took the brass incense burner off the coffeetable and said, "Terri, you smoke pot, don't you?," I was already pretty out of it. We all passed the joint around, everyone had some except for Brad Weddle (he's in training for sports) and it was neat. It made me feel sorta calm and peaceful.

Later:

I don't know why I even bothered getting up so early this morning. I knew he (Brad D.) wouldn't call me today. I have a feeling I've been used again. You'd think I'd learn. Last night at Steve's house he was hanging all over me, acting so sweet & loving. Shit. I should've known, I should've known, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.  Well, one small consolation: at least I didn't let him "do" anything last night, that I would be sorry for later. I think he was probably just trying to see how much he could get off me, but all he did was kiss me.

Unfortunately that's not what he told his buddies upstairs  ...

3:30 a.m.

I wish Dad and his damned friends would SHUT THEIR DRUNK FUCKING MOUTHS and let me GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!!!!

 


 

 

Thursday
July 4, 1974

Early morning. Feeling semi-awful, groggy from disturbed dreams, worried. I feel like a discarded piece of garbage. I never would have figured Brad DuBois to be the type to just use girls, the way he used me. What a shock. I guess I just let my guard down and was unprepared.

Gray, cloudy day. Fits my mood pretty well.

Later:

Had to go to Burien with Dad this morning -- went and walked through the Fourth of July carnival, with all the rides and people and noise, and I felt terrible. Now I'm sitting here in my room, trying to think of some way to cheer myself up. Contemplating changing my furniture around. What a thrill. 

 

 

 

5:00 p.m.
The next day

Well, I weakened -- I called Craig and I apologized for the snotty way I've been acting. It was so

(journal entry ends)

 

 

Away on the Bus Caravan for 10 days
July 7-16, 1974

 

 

  

 

Tuesday night 6:00 p.m.
July 16, 1974

Well, I'm home from the Bus Caravan ... It's been a long, long ten days, and I'm exhausted. But it was super-super-super neat, and I'm SO GLAD I went. In the past ten days my entire life has been changed. I gave myself completely to Jesus Christ yesterday afternoon -- when we were staying at Pearrygin Lake, in Eastern Washington -- after nine long days of mental struggle. It was a tough decision to make, for it means committing everything -- my mind, my heart, my body, my soul -- to God. But I made the decision, and now I am His. He is in me, I have made up my mind and taken my stand, and now I know I'll find everything I've been searching for. There have been other changes, too, but I'm tired and need to go to bed. I promise I'll write tomorrow.

 


 

In Coeur D'Alene, Idaho on the Bus Caravan
Summer 1974

 

Wednesday morning
July 17, 1974

Ready

OK, I'm back. (Good morning!) This is a rainy, cloudy day, and I'm spending my time here in my clean bedroom ... took a long, hot shower this morning, and it felt SO GOOD! Now I'm sitting here on my bed, listening to records and feeling peaceful inside. Dad's watching TV; Albie & Benji are here in my room keeping me company.

Craig called me this morning to welcome me back from the bus trip, and I didn't know what to say to him. This past ten days something very important happened, and it concerns my relationship with Phil. As usual, I spent most of my time with him -- eating together, sitting together on the bus, etc.   We went for long walks, talked about life and God and the world in general, and confided in each other all our worries and problems. One time when we were staying at Palouse Falls, Washington, I stood at the edge of the falls with Karen and watched Phil clambering around near the bottom with John, more than 700 feet below us  ...  

...  and all of a sudden I just knew that I loved him. 

After spending so much time with each other, I could feel us growing closer and closer. I also had a feeling that what Phil felt for me went beyond friendship, that maybe he was thinking along the lines of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But I also had another feeling --- that we both realized it was a big risk. If things didn't work out, it would be sure to destroy the closeness we have right now. It would be like losing a best friend.  So I think we were both afraid to cross that line.

Monday was a fantastic day. Right before lunch I talked to Sue Wieker, the girls counselor, and after a long struggle with myself I finally gave in & gave myself to Jesus. I felt the change immediately. The rest of the day was so much fun. Karen, Phil and me all walked to the Pearrygin Lake store and bought bottle of soap bubbles. Then when we got back to camp, we sat on top of the bus in the rain, blowing bubbles and singing and eating taffy. (Reverting to childhood?!) Later, we all went to Winthrop to look around town. 

That night we had our "fireside" inside the bus. It was so beautiful -- I was scared, because I knew I should share my decision for a new life, but I didn't know what to say or how to say it! Somehow, the Lord put the words in my mouth, and my testimony came out perfectly. I knew just what to say! 

After the fireside, a bunch of us decided to stay up all night. Since we didn't want to be eaten alive by mosquitos, we sat on the bus with a lantern and played cards, talked, shared, told jokes, etc. It was fun, but I was tired and I finally gave up and staggered off to bed about 1 a.m.  After I left, Phil just sat there on the bus, looking down at the floor. Karen saw him, and he looked so sad that she went over and asked him what was wrong. He kept saying "Nothing," but Karen could tell something was really bugging him. Finally, with a perception I didn't know she had, she gently asked him "Do you like Terri as more than a friend?" 

He looked at the floor for a minute, not saying a word. Then he looked at her, sighed and said, "A whole lot more."

Well, to make a long story short, Phil and I are now "together." I love him SO MUCH  -- he's a beautiful person. I just don't know what to do about Craig.

Later (before bed)
9:45 p.m.

I'd Be So Happy

What an eventful day! Dad and me went to Burien for a couple of hours, where I bought a new album, "Hard Labor" by Three Dog Night, and a new necklace. We ate dinner at The Chuckwagon. Church tonight was fantastic. I was all keyed-up, excited about being with Phil. We split into small discussion groups - I was with Kriss Hess (Phil's cousin), Karen, Addie Hetherington, Karen Lamb and Sherrie C. -- we talked about our biggest fears. It was super-meaningful. 

After church, when Kriss was driving us home, Phil had his arm around me!

Oh wow I almost forgot to mention. Mom called me today and offered me a job babysitting at her house every day, 8 to 10, $2.00 a day, starting tomorrow. PTL!

 

 

 

Thursday
July 18, 1974 6:10 p.m.

Well. One thing is for sure -- I'm in love. Not with Craig, anymore, but with Phil.  Honestly!  (I know) that sounds so immature. One week I'm "in love" with Craig, the next week I'm "in love" with Phil. (I know I'm) treating love as though it were an every day experience, something to be taken lightly. But. Phil and I have been so close, for so long, that we seem "made for each other." I feel like we understand each other perfectly, care about each other in an honest way. I just hope it lasts. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt Phil.  

This was a neat day in a lot of ways. I had to get up at 7:00 to go babysit at Mom's, but that was alright. No big thrill.

 

 

 
 

Friday 11:00 a.m.
July 19, 1974

Babysitting at Mom's right now. The kids seem to have all disappeared, so I'm sitting alone in the living room listening to Mom's records and thinking. Phil should be calling any minute now.

Lovely Rita

What on earth am I going to do about Craig???  I can't go with two guys at the same time. I wish I could!  But if I even tried, I'd end up losing them both.

Later (before bed):

I saw Phil today -- I also saw Craig -- and my heart has reached a decision. I love Phil. I really do. I can't even talk to Craig anymore. I tried, but there's a wall between us, communication-wise. I think he senses it as much as I do.

 

 

 

 
Saturday
July 20, 1974

Almost midnight.  I'm home alone right now, and feeling a little nervous about it. Dad won't be home until 3 a.m., he said when he was leaving. I keep "hearing things"... the dogs keep barking at something. Hope no one is lurking around outside. Right now I'm sitting here on my bed with my clean, wet hair pulled back into a ponytail, listening to "Quadrophenia" and thinking.

A. I don't want to go to the Open House tomorrow with Dad. The way he told me about it made it sound more like a command than an invitation. It sounds like a total waste of time. Phil and his mom both invited me to come over to their house after church. I hope I can swing it somehow.

B. I'm feeling sad about Craig.

C. I'm hoping that what I feel for Phil is the genuine article. If I ever hurt him, even unintentionally, I think I'd die. I love him too much. Life can be such a jumble. I'm going to turn it all over to the Lord in prayer, and then I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted.

 

 

 

  

Sunday night 11:30 p.m.
July 21, 1974

Tired. Exhausted, to be precise, but as usual full of thought. I love him more and more every day. I was with him for ten whole beautiful wonderful hours today, time spent sharing and talking and simply being together. It's such a load off my mind, not to have to worry that all he's after is sex. I feel free, free, FREE. Holding hands with Phil is a more exciting thrill than going to bed with any one of the low-class creeps I've kept company with this past year could ever be. 

He's leaving tomorrow morning for a five-day camping trip to the San Juan Islands. How will I survive without him?

 

 

 

  

Monday afternoon
July 22, 1974

Why can't I scrape up any energy today? I've already conquered the living room -- swept, dusted, rearranged, all that dreary housewifely stuff. But now I feel totally wasted, even though a mountain of dirty dishes await me in the kitchen, and my bedroom is beginning to look like it was hit by a typhoon.

Later (before bed):

I had the urge to go out and do something terrible tonight ... something wild and shameful and sinful. I want to get stoned so bad, it hurts. If only I could get my hands on some mescaline, or even a nickel bag. But I CAN'T!!! I promised the Lord!!

 

 

 

Tuesday 11:00 a.m.
July 23, 1974 

Now what do I do?? My brother gave me four joints this morning when I was babysitting at Mom's. They're in my purse, right this very second!!!

Before bed:

OK, get this ... Craig broke up with me today. I can't believe it!  My brain simply refuses to accept the pure irony of the situation. Here I've been these past two weeks, practically sweating blood trying to think of a way to "let him down easy," and what happens? He beats me to it!  We're going to stay friends, though, thank goodness. We had a long talk - a confrontation, you might say - and although I shed a few tears, I don't regret the decision. My pride may have been stung, a little, but talk about feeling FREE ... at least now I can love Phil with a clear conscience, and not feel like a two-timer. So -- goodbye, Craig.  It was nice while it lasted.

And now about the joints.

After Craig left my house, when he had given me "the word," I broke down and cried and beat my fists against my pillow and felt miserable and bitter. Then I broke down even further and smoked one of the joints. It didn't take me long to realize what I was doing, and to straighten up. In a glorious moment of triumph, I watched the little plastic bag filled with that smelly, nauseating weed disappear down the toilet. I feel FREE. I have every right to live my own life, to be my own person. I don't have to do anything this world expects me to. I belong to Jesus, and He has set me free. FREE!!!

Joel Alexander Rehberg 

Kyle Christopher Rehberg (my future son?)



  

 

Thursday 3:00 p.m.
July 25, 1974

Feeling terribly calm and peaceful and happy. I spent a lot of time thinking today. I'm glad that Craig and I have officially called it quits. At first, when he told me he "doesn't feel the same about me anymore," I wasn't sure whether I should cry or smile  ...  whether I should be crushed or elated. It was a definate blow to my pride. But, after thinking it over and giving it careful consideration, I've realized that it was all for the best. I'm glad it's over. I could really love Phil a lot. I already do, as a brother and a dear friend, and nothing will ever change that. BUT. I'm going to take it easy with him and not rush into anything. I care about him too much to just use him and then discard him like yesterday's Kleenex.

Enough about boys. You'd think I have a one track mind. Hardy har har.

Camp Firwood is in 17 days! Mixed emotions ... anticipation mingled with FEAR!


 

 
 

Friday 2:00 p.m.
July 26, 1974

My mind, my heart, my soul, my entire being seems to be singing one word: "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, TOMORROW!”  Tomorrow Phil comes home from his trip  - has it only been 5 days? It seems more like years. I can't wait to see him. I'm not sure what time he'll be home, but even if I can't see him, I can at least talk to him on the phone. Joy!  Elation!

Before bed

Confusingly happy today. It was HOT - 80 degrees or more - and I spent the whole afternoon out in the sun. I got a sunburn!! I can't believe it! My legs, my arms and my chest actually have COLOR ... it's so nice not to be deathly pale for a change!

Think Karen's mad at me.

 

  

Sunday 6:00 p.m.
July 28, 1974 

Sitting out here in the shade of the backyard -- very quiet and peaceful. Phil's coming over in 45 minutes  ...  feeling quiet anticipation. A soft breeze is blowing, the sun is beginning to set. It was hot today -- 82 degrees at least. The radio is playing   ...  the dogs are laying here by my lawn chair. I'm wearing a ragged old pair of cut-offs and an old football T-shirt of Craig's.  

I'm happy. Why shouldn't I be? I've got a new Christian boyfriend who likes me a lot. Karen and me are best friends again. I have a job. I go to Camp Firwood (third yr. in a row) in two weeks. Phil's coming over tonight. Tomorrow Kar, Phil and me are going to Sambo's with our sixth grade teacher Mr. Iverson. I'm finally getting tanned. I'm going to Basic Youth in September. My pictures are all getting developed. I'm just happy.

Later:

7:06, he isn't here yet. Hmmm. Wonder what's going on? Why's he so late? Maybe the 

(interrupted)

- he's here, all's right with the world.


 

 

 
Tuesday 8:30 a.m.
July 29, 1974

Babysitting.

Yesterday was a cool day. Karen and Phil both came over early-early in the morning, and we all walked down to Albertsons to visit Mr. Iverson (our sixth grade teacher, now he's working at the grocery store). It was super-fun, just like old times. He took us all to Sambo's for lunch, and over cheeseburgers and Cokes we caught up on all the latest news and relived our favorite 6th grade memories. He was my all-time favorite teacher.

Phil stayed at my house until 10:30.

Later:

I feel typically summery today, all full of sunshine and baby oil and lemonade. I'm a little worried about last night -- Phil and me were sitting out in the backyard together until 10:30

(journal entry ends abruptly)

 



 

 Friday 12:30 a.m. 
August 2, 1974

I haven't had much time to write this week, I've been so busy --  our CTIT group has been helping out with Duwamish Church's "Teen Scene" every night. Tonight we went rollerskating at Auburn Rink, and it was a blast. Not many people on the rink, so we had plenty of room to skate!  It was neat. Tomorrow morning we have to be at the church at 9:30 to go on a hike and picnic to Denny Creek, which oughta be fun. I have a lot more I could say, but I'm really tired so TOMORROW. 

Oh, one thing - I really, REALLY am starting to love Phil a lot. He's the kindest, nicest, most loving guy I've ever liked, and I don't ever want to lose him. He's too precious to me.

 


 

  

Saturday 11:17 p.m.
August 3, 1974

Oh wow, what a neat day! We went on our hike, and it was really fun. I was with Phil the whole time. At Denny Creek we hiked up to the falls and clambered around on the rocks, getting soaking wet from the spray. Later in the afternoon we went to Lake Sammamish to join the rest of our church at the Family Picnic. We did the skit "And Let God," and I was chosen to give my testimony in front of the church. Got home at 10:15. Phil got his Drivers License a couple days ago, so he drove. 

I LOVE Phil. I love him, love him, love him. How am I gonna SURVIVE for 2-1/2 weeks at Firwood without him????  Phil is the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most sincere, most spiritual guy I've ever liked. Everything about him is so special and so neat. How lucky can I get??? Every time I think about him my heart just sings, my pulse quickens, I feel like jumping and dancing and praising God. I never want to lose him. And I can't wait for the day he tells me he loves me, too.

 


 

  

Monday 4:45 p.m. 
August 5, 1974

Oh Ledger, it is so wonderful!! Yesterday after church I went and spent the day at Phil's house. It was super-fun. We watched the hydroplane races part of the time, played ping pong, and sat on his bed talking. It was fun.

Around 8:30 Phil drove Marla, Sharon and me home -- he dropped them off at their house, and then him and me decided to park his car at the church and walk around. We stopped off at Karen's -- she had just gotten home from Oregon -- stayed a couple of minutes. With nothing better to do, we sat in his car for 3-1/2 hours ... talking. We didn't get home until almost 1:30 a.m.! It was so neat. I mean, there we were, technically "parking," but there was no sexual involvement. We had our arms around each other, and he kept kissing my forehead, but nothing beyond that. It was really really beautiful. We talked about everything, and -- he told me he LOVES me!

Me: "... so you don't like me anymore, huh?"
Him: "No ... I love you."

When he said that, so softly and gently, it was like fireworks going off inside me! I felt all of this love and joy and wonder in my heart, and I knew that I love Phil, I love him and always, always will. He kissed me last night, too, a moment I will cherish. We were in my driveway when he was dropping me off, and just before I got out I leaned over and kissed him quickly on the cheek. He took my face and kissed me back, so fast I almost didn't realize what was happening. I put my head against his chest, and he said, "I'm going to Connie's party tomorrow, OK?" (a party to which I was pointedly not invited).  

"OK," I murmured.

He said "That's what real love is all about." 

I waited a couple of seconds, hoping he'd kiss me again. He didn't, so finally I said, "If you'll just kiss me goodnight, dummy, I'll get out of your car!" 

He laughed, kissed me and said "I love you."

Today was my day off from babysitting, so I slept until 1:15 this afternoon. Went to Karen's for an hour or so, did the housework -- Rhonda dropped over!  Phil didn't call me all day and I'm trying not to worry. I'm scared that maybe he got into a lotta trouble with his parents for coming in so late last night. At least I don't have to worry that he doesn't care for me anymore.

Later (before bed)

I swear I can't get him out of my mind for one second. It's never been like this before, never with any guy I've ever liked. This time when I say I love him, I know in my heart and mind that it's true, and that I really do.  

 


 

 
 

Tuesday 11:15 a.m.
August 6, 1974

Babysitting at Mom's.  My step-brother Pat and me are sitting here in the living room watching game shows on TV. Phil never called yesterday, and so far he hasn't called today, either. Hmmm. 

I feel isolated.

 


 

 

Wednesday
August 7, 1974 10:55 a.m.

Babysitting.  Something kinda bad happened last night, and I got into a lot of trouble. Now I don't know what to do. 

A whole bunch of us from church took Karen Simmons to Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor for a goodbye party (she's moving to Arizona today). There were sixteen of us altogether, so they had to push a bunch of tables together to seat us all, and then we all chipped in and bought two "Zoos," a super-huge ice cream sundae that feeds 10 people. We sang "Happy Trails" to her, and it was so neat ... so much fun. After we were done eating we all drove over to the church (Phil was driving the car I was in, natch) and then sat in a circle around Karen and prayed for her. It was beautiful.

About 9:00 Phil, me, Karen and Ryan didn't have anything to do, so we drove down to Sunset Park to play on the swings and goof off. Later, Phil drove Karen and Ryan home so we could be alone. We went back to the church to sit and talk. It was just as neat as Sunday night. He kissed me a couple of times, but most of the time we just talked. That's the beautiful part of our relationship: Christ is at the center of it, so we can share His love and not get physically involved. Well, I didn't get home until 3 a.m., and that's when I really got into trouble -- Dad was waiting up for me, and he was MAD . My choice of punishments: either be grounded for the rest of this week (which means I can't see Phil before I leave, because I can't even go to church) or else "find someone else to pay for camp.”   I just cannot understand my dad. Three months ago I was going out with all these dope freaks and sex maniacs, getting drunk and taking drugs and getting all but assaulted. These creeps I was going out with always got me home at 3, 4 or 5 a.m., and either Dad didn't know or he didn't care. But now I've finally found a good, clean, honest guy  ...  one who has his priorities straight, putting God first in his life, a guy who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, has never taken drugs and never will. I don't have to worry about ending up in the backseat with him because he just isn't that kind of guy!!!  But for some reason Dad hates him, and doesn't trust him at all. Well, THAT'S JUST TOUGH!!

Before Bed:

God has control of the situation. At least Dad let me go to church tonight, and that's a start. If I didn't have Jesus in my heart I'd probably go crazy. He loves me, even at times when it seems no one else does, and that promise is very real & very comforting to me. Kar and Phil are both praying for me. Praise God I have friends like them. Peaceful.

 

 

 
 

Thursday 2 p.m.
August 8, 1972

Babysitting.

Mentally figuring expenses for camp ... it's gonna be a tight squeeze. I have so many things I have to buy before I leave -- I'm running up quite a bill for myself. Mom wants me to stay here and babysit until 4:30. Phil should be coming by any time, at least I hope he does.

 

 
 

Saturday
August 10, 1974

This is probably going to be the last chance I'll have to just sit and relax for the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for two weeks at camp. Divided as to how I feel about going ... in a way I'm excited, because Firwood is a fantastic place and I always have a great time while I'm there. However, the thought of leaving Phil isn't a happy one ... I'm going to miss him like crazy.

It's almost 1:00, Saturday afternoon. I spent the whole morning at Grandma's, washing and mending my clothes. She tucked a $5 bill into my pocket, which I need desperately. Now I'm sitting out in my lawn chair, soaking up the hot sun and thinking. Phil's coming over tonight. After today there won't be any more journal entries until August 24th.

2 a.m.

Phil just left. Saying goodbye to him was so hard. I love him so much. It's late at night, and I have to get up early. Icck. 

I feel so strange inside ... kind of bumpy and upside down and inside out. I'm sorta nervous about camp. The first couple of days are always the toughest ... getting adjusted, making friends, finding a place for myself. I always feel so awkward around new people. I just hope and pray that the whole two weeks turn out to be as neat & as fulfilling as ever. 

One other hope: that my love for Phil, burning so fiercely right now, will last and last. I know I must sound like a broken record, but I LOVE him!!  ("Explain it all with a sigh ..”) I don't want to think about other guys while I'm at camp. Sure, I hope I get asked to the Banquet by someone neat, but THAT'S ALL!!! I want, SO BADLY, to be faithful to Phil. I can't sleep. I can't even RELAX. I've been tense and fidgety this evening -- probably just the pre-Firwood jitters.

Tonight Phil gave me a 1-1/2 page letter that he wrote, and I'm going to try and save it until Tuesday. I DOUBT that I'll make it, though!!

Time for bed. Goodnight, Ledger, and goodbye for two weeks. The next time I write to you, I'll be home, with volumes to tell you about!

See ya.

 

AT CAMP FIRWOOD FOR TWO WEEKS  ...

 

 

  

Saturday
August 24, 1974

Well, I'm home. Two whole weeks at Firwood, and suddenly, BAM, it's over. Just like that. Sometimes it scares me how fast time flies by.

It was pretty neat. At first I was lonely and depressed, lost without Phil, and seemingly friendless. I wanted to come home so bad. But after a few days I met a lot of super-neat people and made a lot of special friends.

 
 
 

 

Monday
August 26, 1974 12:15

It's kinda hard to write, because Phil is hanging over my shoulder watching me write right now  ...

We're on the Singing Hills retreat, as counselors for the Jr. High kids. What a chance to relax, ha ha ha

Later:

I'm so depressed, I can't seem to snap out of it. Maybe it's my sore throat or my headache, but mostly it's just me. I hate myself today. All I can think of is all the things I can't do, and what a boring person I must be. I never swim, I never play tennis, I don't ride horses, I never ride bikes anymore. I'm such an empty person. I can't do anything. I can't stop crying and everyone must hate me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had a whopping case of strep throat, which almost certainly was contributing to my "depression."  Why am I so tired? Why don't I have any energy? Why do I always get headaches that last for days at a time? Is there something wrong with me?

Phil at Singing Hills

This is my favorite picture of Phil, taken during the Singing Hills retreat
August 1974

 

 
 

 

Wednesday
August 28, 1974

Wow. The sore throat I picked up on the retreat turns out to be some kind throat infection that just WON”T GO AWAY. It hurts so bad, I can't even swallow. Tomorrow Grandma and Grandpa are going to take me to a doctor. I'll tell him about the sore throat and he'll probably prescribe some type of antibiotics or something, but it will also give me a chance to tell him about my headaches and my constant tiredness and lack of energy. IT HURTS!

 

  

 

Thursday 11 a.m.
August 29, 1974 

I'm just wasting time today. There are so many things I should be doing, like cleaning my room or doing the housework or getting ready for the doctor. But. Total lack of energy.

Yesterday was school registration, I forgot to mention. Here are the classes I'm signed up for:

American Literature (with Karen)
Shorthand 1 x 2
Concert Choir
US History Since 1900 (with Karen)
Health (with Karen)
Troubadours

 

 

 

  

Friday night
August 30, 1974

This might be one of the very last times I write in this ledger ... time and pages are both running out. I'd like to get a brand new ledger to start a brand new school year with, and school is only four short days away. Within these next four days I have so much shopping to do, so many things to get done. I'm really trying not to get bogged down by the materialism of it all, but it's HARD!  Sunday I'm going shopping for my school clothes, Tuesday for my shoes. Money, money, money ...

I feel a lot better today. This morning when I woke up, I made a new and special committment to the Lord. I promised Him that from now on, I'm going to thank Him and praise Him for everything that happens in my life, the bad as well as the good. That's going to be hard to do, because I know that the Lord is going to test this new committment, seeing whether or not I really mean it. He'll be providing me with opportunities to prove it, you might say. Anyway, I prayed and thanked Him for my sickness and for my terrible sore throat -- sincerely thanked Him -- and it's almost gone now!

I didn't see Phil today at all, but at least he called me once this afternoon. Today was the CTIT party, but I couldn't go; I decided that a couple of days of total rest were something I needed desperately. I missed seeing him, of course, but at least I don't have to worry about him running around with other girls. He loves me totally and completely, and for the first time in my life I feel assured about the guy I'm going with.

School's coming up so soon. I can't believe it. Where did the summer go?? I look back over this whole ledger and I think of all the dumb, stupid, idiotic things I did, and all the time I wasted. And of course I also think about the neat & beautiful things that happened -- the Bus Caravan, dedicating my life to Christ, discovering my love for Phil, Camp Firwood. This summer wasn't an entire loss!

I wonder what the coming school year is going to be like ... what people I'm going to meet, what opportunities I'm going to have to grow and share the Lord, what obstacles I'm going to face. Wow. It's a long, long year ahead of me ... I think back again, this time to all of the many, many things that happened to me during my sophomore year last year, and I realize just how very much is ahead of me.

1. I want to live for Christ. I really do. I don't want to go back to the senseless, idiotic world of drugs and drinking and weekend parties and dating non-Christian guys. I don't WANT any of that!!! I want to trample my old reputation by living a new, clean, CHRISTIAN life, so that people can see that I really have changed. I want to keep my brain clear, not messed up with pot and mesc and speed and beer.

2. I want to stay with Phil. I LOVE him! I don't want to hurt him!  I want to belong to him as a girlfriend and stay clear of all the non-Christian guys floating around.

Are these objectives too far-fetched? Do you think I can make it? I pray so.

 

 
 

Saturday night
August 31, 1974 7:30 p.m.

I wish Phil would call me. I haven't seen him since Thursday night and I miss him. He said he would come over tonight but so far not even a phone call. Hmmm. I hope nothing's wrong, that he isn't mad at me or anything. I love him so much ... especially tonight, after I haven't seen him for so long. I MISS HIM!

The phone just rang. Heart failure. But it was only Shelly, with some neat news -- she has turned her life back over to Christ too, just like I did. Wow! Praise God! I've been praying for her, and what an answer!

I tried calling Phil's house a couple minutes ago and there was no answer. Oh well -- it's obvious that the Lord wants me to stay home this weekend and completely rest. He's using a very effective method, too ... he keeps cancelling my plans and sending my friends out of town!

Later:

He called, finally, around 9:00, and we talked for 45 minutes. He's been at his grandma's all day, which is why he couldn't call sooner.

 


  

 

Sunday midnight
September 1, 1974

A tired but happy Terri Vert is almost ready to collapse into bed. What a day: after church this morning, Dad dropped me off at Southcenter with $160 in my pocket, and I spent a long, tiring three and a half hours shopping for my school clothes. The whole time I felt God walking along beside me, helping me and guiding me and keeping me from getting discouraged. I'm happy with my purchases, and I got a lot of nice things.

Around 4:30 Phil came and picked me up, and after a brief stop at home I went to his house for the evening, had dinner with his family. He might be able to take me out tomorrow! (Maybe.) He kissed me goodnight, and for some reason it made me really happy. I love him.

 

 

  

 

Monday 3:30 p.m.
September 2, 1974
Happy second birthday, window scars!

This was a lazy, fruitless day ... one of the last before school starts (sob). Off and on all day I tried to clean my room, do something productive, but I just have too many things swirling around in my head. I feel all keyed up and excited. I LOVE Phil!!! I really do, and it excites me to realize he feels the same way -- that he's mine, for now and maybe forever. I hope I can see him tonight, and that Dad doesn't get mad when I ask him.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday
September 3, 1974

Well, Ledger, this is it -- not only the last time I'll write in you, but the final evening of summer, as well. How sad. Tomorrow is the first day of my junior year in high school. I anticipate with mixed elation and dread -- knowing that the coming year holds so much in store for me.

I understand

And I also realize that the only way I'm going to make it is by trusting Christ to walk along beside me and lead me through the hard times. Now, more than ever, I know what it means to "walk in the Spirit,"and it's something that I intend to practice every day for the rest of my life. I leave now, a different person than I was on the first page of this ledger .... ready to face whatever may lay ahead.

I'm ready. It was a beautiful summer. Goodbye.

 

 

 

FAVORITE SONGS DURING THIS LEDGER

"I've Had It"- Fanny
"Waterloo"- Abba
"If You Wanna Get To Heaven"- Ozark Mt. Daredevils
"Rock Your Baby"- George McCrea
"Machine Gun"- The Commodores
"Rings"- Lobo
"Leavin' It All Up To You"- Donny & Marie Osmond
"Beach Baby" - First Class





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