JOURNAL NO. 13
November 1974 -  February 1975
Age 16

"The phone just rang. I looked at it, holding my breath, scarcely daring to hope. 'Please Lord,' I
prayed silently ... but it was only Grandma. My heart broke into ten thousand little pieces, my brain started to
dissolve, all hope in me died a flaming death  ...  "



November 22, 1974

"Terri,

Well, so far the year is going great. We've got another year & a half. It sure sounds like a long time huh! I hope you never forget me after I die. And remember the good times the three of us had. Good luck in the future. Happy flying, saying "Coffee, tea or me?" Thanks for being my friend and someone I can come to with my problems, like when I thought I was pregnant after Carston kissed me (HA HA). See ya around and have a good winter.

Love & Friendship,

Rhonda"




Friday 11:30 a.m.
November 22, 1974

Marla Standley bought this notebook for me in the school store today ... it's about time I got a new Ledger!  I've been going crazy without one this past week.

Right now I'm in 5th period Health ... a gray, drizzling afternoon in mid-November. The classroom is pretty quiet; everyone is working on their career projects. Quiet, peaceful, easy feeling inside. Fairly happy. I've got a super-attentive and sweet new boyfriend named Dean, plus a couple of pretty neat best friends, Karen & Rhonda. Life has its ups and downs, but this past month I've been enjoying a practically uninterrupted natural "high." No great crushing worries to bring me down. This Ledger will probably cover the next couple of months, into a brand new year of 1975, and I can only hope that what will be written on these next hundred pages will be something shining and bright and beautiful.

5:45 (in the afternoon, high on mescaline)

Ledger, I've been TRYING and TRYING to write in you but I keep getting distracted and called away to the beauty that is tugging at me ...

I know that this is a rotten way to start a new Ledger, by being 100 percent stoned outta the old head here. - You probably think I'm a pretty rotten girl now, right, but please forgive me and my ways. But as a means of restitution I am going to write and describe it from the inside out, so that when you're outside & WISHING you were in, you can be, more or less. YOU know. (My Dad just dumped his dinner all over himself.)

Everything is funny. I can't stop laughing and smiling and having a good time. The whole world is cracking up, with me in it. Dad is sitting here eating. No, now he's gone. Everything is going wrong in Dad's day .. poor man. I really do love him, you know, in spite of everything. 

TOO HIGH FOR WORDS.

Feeling everything.  Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh

I'm so much in love. I love Dean, and he'll be calling within the next half an hour. I'm gonna try to type. I love you already, Ledger!!! I keep reaching for you. What will I say to Dean when that phone rings?







Saturday morning 11 a.m.
November 23, 1974

I'm so ashamed of myself.  I PROMISED myself, I promised the Lord, I promised Dean that I wouldn't ever, EVER touch any kind of drugs again. And what did I do? The first time someone offered me a hit of mescaline, BAM, I took it. Why can't I resist it??  I feel so dumb.

I dropped it right after school, when Karen and me were just sitting here in my room listening to records and doing homework. An hour later - only an hour - the world was spinning and I was flying. I think Karen suspected, because I was totally freaking out, but Dad was his usual blind, unsuspecting self. I was high all evening, and I sorta stayed in my room, scribbling in library books and laughing at EVERYTHING. The whole world was hysterically funny. By the time Dean called, around 8:15, I was starting to come down a little but I was still pretty dizzy. We talked about the possibility of seeing each other that night when he was done working, and I remember saying "I think it would be a very good idea if I saw you tonight."  All of a sudden I just needed to see him. I had a throbbing headache, felt a little foolish about taking the mesc, and needed his comfort and love. He came over about 10:00. I was sitting in the living room watching TV, and since Dad was in bed sleeping we had to be super SUPER quiet. It felt good to be with him, and thank goodness he wasn't mad when I told him what I'd done. He just kept asking, "Why did you do it?" and I was stuck for an answer. I DON'T KNOW why I did it.

Now I'm just sitting here in the living room, Saturday morning, in my grubby overalls and dirty hair. Gotta lot to do today, and I should get up off my rear and get started, but I'm too busy procrastinating, as usual. Lazy, head throbbing, suffering from a leaden mescaline hangover. No one to blame but myself.





4:00 p.m.

Tired - have been working on housework most of the afternoon, and still have to clean the living room and straighten up my bedroom. Dean called a couple of hours ago, and he's going to come over tonight, of course.






Sunday afternoon
November 24, 1974

Last night was OK. Dean came over around 8:00, and we sat in the living room and watched TV. We drove over to Jack In The Box around 9:00 and got some hamburgers because I was starved.

Slept in late this morning, woke up with a sore, scratchy throat. Spent most of the day practicing the piano at Grandma's. I've got "Dona Noblis" down pretty good.

Dull, bored, listless.





Monday 11:20 a.m.
November 25, 1974

Too tired this morning, so I'm skipping school and staying home today. The house is a complete, total WRECK. Seems like I have my work cut out for me.

3 p.m.

For no reason at all I suddenly feel very depressed and lonely. I wish Dean was here. I still haven't done ANY housework, and I feel fat and lazy and stupid. The house is a mess, I'm a mess, and I wish I could just stop the world for a minute and climb off.

Thank God I have Dean. I love him so much, I think I'd go crazy without him. I wish I could see him right now!!!

4:10 p.m.

A little better. Washed the dishes, at least. Doing something constructive always helps raise my spirits.

 

Wednesday 2:20 p.m.
November 27, 1974

Semi-depressed. Sitting here in my room, listening to the radio, wondering who I am. No one at school likes me. I'm a nobody, a nothing, an empty invisible zero that nobody could care less about. I never know what to say to people. I always feel like such a stupid, brainless clod. Half the kids at school think I'm some kind of slut, thanks to Clarence and his big mouth ... the other half probably think I simply have no personality at all. I always feel so alone, so sad and empty inside. Life is so depressing. This house is a complete MESS. Dad doesn't realize how important it is to me to have a clean, pretty home to live in, instead of this filthy, dog-hair-ridden bachelor pad. Those dogs are everywhere, and I hate them. What kind of stupid idiot allows two stinky dogs to sleep in the bathroom, night after night???!? I'm ashamed to have people come over.

Maybe it's just this dumb sore throat and headache that are getting me so down. At least, I hope so. Four whole days of Thanksgiving vacation ahead of me ... I should make an effort to cheer up & use them for relaxation. I've GOT to lose some weight and get rid of all these bulges. I've been eating so much lately it isn't funny, and it's starting to show. That's another thing that's contributing to my depression.

 


 

Thursday 10:15 p.m.
November 28, 1974

Total silence. I'm so tired I'm about ready to drop. Have had an exhausting couple of days and nights. Looking forward to a nice long sleep and then SLEEPING IN tomorrow morning. Heaven. Coming down with a cold or the flu.

Today was Thanksgiving, and it was pretty neat. At first it looked like I was doomed to spending the evening at home with Dad, eating hamburgers and watching TV like we do every single night of the year, and I was really pretty depressed about it. After all, Thanksgiving, to me, is a special day, to be celebrated with people you love. And even tho I love Dad, the atmosphere just wasn't right. It wasn't special enough. That's why I was so happy when Dean called around 3:00 and invited me to dinner at his house. Not only was there turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and all the traditional trimmings, but there was an atmosphere of family, and of belonging, that really felt good. It was neat, and it made the day memorable.

I don't know how I'll be spending Thanksgiving next year -- probably not the same way as this year -- but this was a day worth remembering. Thank you, Lord.  

 

  

 

Friday morning 11 a.m.
November 29, 1974

Blueberry Hill

Sniffle, sniffle, sniffle. My cold is awful ... I've used up almost a whole box of Kleenex. Feeling yucky. I should go and clean up the house real fast, before Dean calls and wants to come over, but almost a total lack of energy. At least I put on some makeup, and my hair (altho dirty) looks half-decent.

11:45 a.m.

Whew ... relief. Dean called a couple of minutes ago, and he's not dropping by until 2:30. That gives me a couple of hours to take it easy, do the housework at my own leisurely pace. Terrific.

2:45 p.m.

He isn't here yet - that means he's 15 minutes late. Hmmm. House is clean, warm, cozy. Snuggled up in the armchair, watching a good & mushy movie on TV, Kleenex box at my side. Not feeling depressed, not happy  ... sorta in-between. 

3:00 p.m.

No sign, no show. Starting to grow impatient.

3:30 p.m.

He still hasn't come, and since he has to be at work at 4:00 I sorta get the impression that he couldn't make it. Oh well ... I wish I could see him tonight, but I probably won't be able to since he doesn't get off until 9:00 and Dad has to work tomorrow. Darn, darn, darn, DARN.

Well, he just called from the store, and said he was really sorry but he couldn't come over. Something about being gone all day. He was obviously sincere, tho, so I'm not mad. I told him to come over tonite after work -- oooo, I hope Dad doesn't get mad.

 

 

 

 

Saturday morning 9:20 a.m.
November 30, 1974

When Will I See You Again?

Sitting here in bed, radio softly playing. Just had a waffle with lots of butter and syrup and a glass of milk, and I feel pretty OK. Grandma and Marian are going to come pick me up in about 40 minutes - we're going to go down to Southcenter and try to find me a long red dress for Choir. The concert is this Thursday night, but I'm just ignoring the fact and pretending it isn't so. It makes me feel sick, just thinking about it.

Dean came over last night around 10:00, brought two pumpkin pies from his store. Dad was in bed so we turned on the TV, turned off the lights and ended laying down on the sofa together ... got pretty heavy into the making-out business. I know that if I don't slow down and watch what I'm doing, I'm going to end up with another mess of a relationship, like with Cray and Clarence.

Gotta go & start getting ready.

Late at night:

Tonight was pretty fun. Dean, Roger and me all drove down to the Renton Cinema and saw the most far-out movie, "Earthquake." Dean was so sweet, and funny, and loving ... I couldn't help but reciprocate!

Dad has about a million of his friends out in the living room and they're all disgustingly drunk, yelling at the top of their lungs ... guess Terri Vert isn't going to get a whole lot of sleep tonight. Sigh.

Watching a Roddy McDowall movie on TV ... sigh ... I LOVE that man! He turns me on & on & on & on. And I thought I was too old to have a crush on a movie star. His big brown eyes, his dimples, that soulful, little-boy- lost look ...

That's right.  I had a crush on RODDY McDOWALL.  You wanna make something of it??

 


 

 

Monday 3 p.m.
December 2, 1974

Mandy

Just got home from school ... busy day, up to my EARS in homework. Think I'll skip piano practice - stay home & clean my room instead. Thrills.

 

 

  

Tuesday 10:15 p.m.
December 3, 1974

Tired, headed straight for bed, as soon as I relax with a word or two in my Ledger.

Tomorrow is my one-month anniversary with Dean. Hard to believe it's only been that long ... I feel as though I've loved him all my life.

Dean: "Why do I love you?"
Me: "Gee, I don't know. With all the things you have to put up with, it's pretty amazing."

This may sound really petty, but I wish he'd give me a ring for my birthday or for Christmas -- something special and personal and meaningful, that would let me know I belong to him and he to me. Too tired to write more - TIME FOR BED.

 

 

 

 
Thursday 3:07 p.m.
December 5, 1974
Only You

Tonight is the big Choir concert, the one I've been dreading for months  ...  and yet here I am, surprisingly unconcerned, even anticipating it a little.  Wow.

Feeling not-quite-as-depressed as I have been these past few days. Guess it was just a temporary low. Sitting here in my room, looking scrungy, wearing my baggy old overalls, listening to the radio, HUNGRY.

Just called The Firs, long-distance - had a talk with Granola - she was a counselor @ Firwood last summer.

 

 

 

 

Friday 10:30 a.m.
December 6, 1974

It's over ... it's all over ... the concert, the tension, the whole thing. I'M SO GLAD!!!  It went pretty good, really -- a lot of people came to see it. My first two numbers went smoothly, but I screwed up "Dona Noblis" pretty bad -- but I was so relieved that it was all over, I didn't care. Dean was there, Dad was there, also Grandma and Grandpa Vert, Mom, Deb and Grandma St. John. At the end of the concert Mr. Davis thanked "all the people who made the concert possible" -- various parents, teachers, etc. - calling them up and pinning corsages on them. I was so shocked when he called up all the piano players and gave us all corsages too. The choir all yelled "HIP HIP HOORAY!" in our honor.

My high school choir class
I'm on the far left side, middle row
November 1974

Dean drove me home so I could change my clothes, and then we went out to Arby's for roast beef sandwiches (I was starved). After that we came to my house and sat on the couch, watching TV with Dad and discussing the concert. Dean left at 11:00.

Me: "What's wrong?"
Dean: (sigh) "Well ... I was just thinking."
Me: "About ...?"
Dean: "I was thinking that I love you, and what would I do if you went away ..?"

Today is a rainy, windy day, and I opted to stay home and SLEEP IN. There's a basketball game tonight and a dance afterwards - so I'll probably be seeing Dean later. I hope so.

Later:

Thinking. In a very philosophical mood. Most of my thoughts are aimed towards Dean ...  I really love him. I'm thinking about all the good things in our relationship. We're completely at ease with each other. He's so sweet -- he understands me and all my moods, knows what to say and when. I miss him when we're not together. Life would be pretty bleak without him.

There's only two problems that I can see: For one, I can't help but compare him to Clarence all the time, and that bugs me. It's been a year since Clarence and I broke up, but I still think about him all the time. When I'm with Dean, I automatically start comparing the two of them ... the way he talks, the way he kisses me, the way he holds my hand ... I see Clarence in everything Dean does, even though the two of them are radically different people. There must be something wrong with me.

Wishing You Were Here

The other problem is my own feelings when I'm with Dean. I know, from experience, how easily things can get out of hand, and all the things it can lead up to ... but when I'm with Dean I don't seem to care. I forget my own conscience, ignore all the warnings ... and I'm going to end up in a bad situation if I don't knock it off. My reputation is already bad enough as it is.

2:20 p.m.

Still grungy, haven't done a bit of housework, haven't even washed my hair or put on any makeup. Feel sloppy and dirty and awful.

4:15 p.m.

In a strange mood. Suddenly felt like talking to people, so I called up my brother, then I called Phil.

Wish my hair would dry so I could set it. Feel clean.

Why aren't all the dishes done? Because we ran out of hot water. Why is Baby staring at me with her big brown puppy eyes? Because she loves me. Why is my hair all wet?  Because I just washed it. Why hasn't Dean called me yet? I haven't the faintest idea.

 

 

 

Saturday 11 a.m.
December 7, 1974
China Grove 

Last night was absolutely terrific, and I'm glad I went!!  I just woke up a little while ago, and now I'm sitting on my bed, wearing my bathrobe and my hair in braids, listening to the radio. I have a lot, lot, lot to write.

We went to the basketball game at the school - Glacier vs. Montlake Terrace - and then afterwards we went to the dance in the cafeteria. All the lights were off, strobe lights were everywhere, music pulsating. It took me half an hour to get up my nerve, but I finally decided to go dance. Danced two dances with Dean at first - a fast one and then a slow one - and then, during the course of the evening, I danced with Dale, twice with Todd, once with Roger and once with Ernie. It was FUN!  It was EASY!  What have I been so afraid of ...??!?

After the dance - around 11:30 - Dean and me went over to my house. Dad wasn't home so after a while we turned on "In Concert," turned off the lights. Very romantic. I'll tell ya about it later, but right now the aroma of bacon is calling to me. Later.

12:30 p.m.

Still haven't dressed. Totally scrungy.

3:25 p.m.

Dad and me went to Albertsons for

(journal entry ends)

 

 

Something is weighing heavily on my mind and my conscience. I'd better write it down and pray no one ever reads this. If I don't put it onto paper, it'll begin to dig into my brain & drive me crazy.  Last night Dean and me really got carried away. We didn't go all the way, but we came close  ...  TOO close. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I love him, and I WANT him to make love to me ... but I know I shouldn't. The risks I'm taking -- the trouble I could get into  ...  is it worth it? 

 

 

 

 

Sunday 9 p.m.
December 8, 1974

Dean and I went Christmas shopping down at Southcenter today ... fun, fun. Full of the beautiful holiday spirit, full of love for a very special guy. Feel complete and happy.

 

  

 

Monday afternoon
December 9, 1974

Ledger, I could just kill myself! This happens every single year ... I accidentally find out what Dad's getting me for Christmas, and POW, there goes the surprise. Darn!!!   Rhonda drove us home a few minutes ago - me, Karen, Dean, & Lori  --  and after they dropped me off I discovered, to my horror, that I was locked out of the house and had forgotten my key. Luckily Dad's bedroom window was open, so I climbed through it (will my agility ever cease?)  On my way through his room, I saw a couple of boxes in his closet -- one is a curling iron, the other a FANTASTIC digital clock radio. HOW NEAT!!!!

 

 

 

Tuesday 10:21 p.m.
December 10, 1974

Karen's birthday.  Dean, me, Karen's sister Lisa and Kay Tate all took her to Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour tonight to celebrate. Fun.

Felt a little low today, probably just a combination of the pre-menstrual "blahs" and the cruddy weather ... I'll snap out of it. Dean finally guessed that I want a ring for my birthday, and while I was a little embarrassed (the girl isn't supposed to ask the guy), I'm glad he knows. A ring means something special, and that's what he is to me - something very special. I know the day may come when he won't mean anything to me anymore, but right now he's just about my whole world - and I want to wear his ring as a symbol of love, showing the world how much we care about each other.

Enough. Goodnight.

(One year ago today ... remember?)

 

 

 

 

Wednesday afternoon 4:10 p.m.
December 11, 1974

Don't think I'll go to church tonight ... too worn out, feeling crampy. Mother Nature is due to strike any second. (Funzies.)

I'm looking forward to Saturday night! I'm going to get all dressed up, in a pretty dress & my hair all done up, and Dean's going to take me out to a nice restaurant for my birthday dinner. Not only that, but he'll probably give me my ring that night. How neat!! It'll be a birthday worth remembering.

 

  

 

Thursday night
December 12, 1974

I'm going to sleep in tomorrow morning and skip school -- gotta get away from all the tensions and pressures. It's getting to be too much for me to bear. Everyone hates me - I feel so alone and empty. Dean helps me feel better, but I can't depend on him solely. I've got to turn to Jesus. He's my only hope of survival in this crushing world.

 

 

  

Friday 7 p.m.
December 13, 1974

I don't feel all that terrific ... cramps, a little feverish ... so I'm going to stay home this evening and watch TV. There's an Elton John special on tonight that I'd really like to stay up and see. Dean's coming over around 9 or so, so between now & then I've gotta take a bath and clean up a little. I think we're both secretly planning to use this evening as another involved make-out session. I hope so!

 

 

 

Sunday
December 15, 1974

Today is my 17th birthday. Gray, drizzling afternoon ... just sitting here in my bedroom listening to records, waiting for my rollers to heat up.

I spent a couple of hours today over at Grandma's and Grandpa's, practicing Christmas carols and Choir music on the piano. Tonight I'm going to choir rehearsal at the church, and then afterwards I'm going to go eat dinner at Dean's house.

Last night was pretty neat. Dean and me went and ate dinner at a VERY fancy (and expensive!) restaurant downtown, The Globe Cellar. Terrific steak dinner with baked potato. Yum. Dean couldn't afford to get me a ring, but he gave me a beautiful gold necklace and promised that the ring would come later, so I'm not disappointed. Yes I was.  After dinner we went and parked up at Alki Point to watch midnight come, so he could be the first person to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Friday night was something else. In a way I'm afraid to write it down, but it's no one's business but mine. We came really close to going all the way again - in fact, we were even closer than last week - and for the first time it really scared me. I love him, but ... I don't know what to do. I already have a pretty bad reputation, thanks to all the wild stories Clarence and that asshole Craig have spread around school, plus that stupid night I went over to Steve Peterson's  - the times I got drunk and "went downstairs" to make out with guys I didn't really care about. I regret all of it, don't worry - but I know that I shouldn't do anything else to add onto that reputation.

Before Bed (11 p.m.)

I love him dearly.

 

 

     

Trimming the tree (while Dad takes pictures)
December 1974

 

Monday evening
December 16, 1974

Started my period today, really feel BAD ... cramps, headache, the whole bit. Hope it doesn't affect my mood. Dad's in bed, the house is quiet. I'm sitting here in the living room with my hair up in a towel. We put some of the Christmas decorations up today and washed the rug, so the living room looks kinda nice. Makes me feel peaceful and relaxed.  Today was a normal school day, filled with classes and Dean, laughing and Dean, rain and Dean. He didn't go to swim team practice after school, so instead he walked me home - came in for awhile, sat on the couch and talked to Dad. Dad really likes Dean - I'm so glad.

I can hardly wait for Christmas vacation. Two whole blissful weeks of freedom. Karen will be in California most of the time, she's leaving Friday, but I'm planning on spending LOTS of time with Dean.  Wonder what he got me for Christmas ... ! A ring? A teddy bear? An album? A surprise? I still have to figure out what to get him. Pretty short on money, and I still have to buy presents for Dad and Rhonda.

I'm still thinking about how sexually involved Dean and I are getting, but I haven't reached any kind of decision. I'm still pretty confused. In my heart I know how wrong it is, but my desires are telling me that the first time a really good opportunity presents itself - if Dad goes out on Saturday night and leaves the two of us alone, for instance - that I'll let him do it, ignoring the consequences. I want to, I really WANT to, but I CAN'T!!!!!!  Sex can really tear a relationship apart, reducing it to nothing ... I've learned that from very painful experience ... and I don't want that to happen to Dean & me. I love him way too much, and losing him would destroy me completely. I don't want sex to be the only thing that holds us together, the way it was with Clarence and me. I care about Dean too much as a person for that. But I'm still finding it so hard to resist the strong feelings inside of me, the desire to give myself to him totally. It's a battle going on inside my heart, pulling me in two.

Last Friday we came so close but I panicked. I COULDN'T DO IT. I got really scared all of a sudden. Half an hour later I was psyched, but by that time

(journal entry ends  ...  just when it was getting good, too.)

 

 

 

 

Tuesday after school
December 17, 1974

Today in Health class we saw some filmstrips on Human Sexuality. They covered all the usual topics, birth control and pregnancy and VD; but a lot of it talked about the feelings teenagers have about sex and love, and it hit my heart good. It was EXACTLY the way I feel, the things I've been writing about in this Ledger. It showed pictures of a guy and a girl making out on a couch with all the lights turned off, and it explained how easy it is to get carried away. Didn't that remind me of me & Dean!! And it told all the consequences, outright - unwanted pregnancy, the way it can overpower and destroy a relationship, leaving you feeling cheap and guilty and frustrated. The girl winds up suffering the most.  All this leaves me feeling more confused than before. What should I do? Should I break up with Dean? Should I go on the Pill, like Shelly did? Should I slap Dean's hand and say, "No no, naughty boy!" when he tries something? What should I DO???

Tonight I'm going to instrumental practice, and maybe if I'm lucky I'll see Dean, but I doubt that I will.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday 9:12 p.m.
December 18, 1974

Sitting here in the living room watching "Little House On The Prairie." Dean went to a Christmas party tonight for employees at the grocery store where he works. I was invited, but I've been feeling really run-down this week and didn't feel like staying out late tonight. So I spent a quiet, uncomplicated evening at home, watching Dad's favorite shows on TV.  Made a couple more of those cute little clay snowmen.

Dean called twice. Again I say it ... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I really, really do, and I wish I could express it in a way that wouldn't sound immature and schoolgirlish - in a way that would really show how much I care for him. He's the kind of guy that I feel completely at ease with, free to be natural & myself with. He has a friendly, easygoing nature - people just like him the minute they meet him. And the thing that I like best about him is that he isn't afraid to tell me he loves me, or to act in a loving way. He's always doing little things to show me how he feels, little signs for me alone. In this relationship I feel comfortable, secure and loved, and assured that he feels the same way and won't let me down. I know that someday it will end, but I try to just push that thought out of my mind. If the day comes that he tells me he doesn't love me anymore ... I don't know what I'll do. I don't know. I don't know. It's too sad a thought to think about.

I asked him to Tolo (February 1st) and naturally he said "yes."

 

 

Friday 7 p.m.
December 20, 1974

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done ...?

Feeling very depressed today, don't even know why. Dean called from work a few minutes ago; he wants to go to the basketball game tonight, I don't, so I moped & sighed on the phone, making him feel as guilty as possible. He finally said he'd come over to my house instead. Some fun that'll be for him. I feel like such a wet blanket. I hate socializing. I never like to go out and be with the kids from school ... I don't feel comfortable in public.

Well, the least I can do is put on some makeup, set my hair, amd try to look half-decent for him. It's not like I don't know what we'll do tonight. In my present frame of mind, though, I really don't care. --

Later

Well now I feel like a total ass, calling Steve B. to find out about the stupid game tonight ... he sounded about as pleased to hear from me as if I were the German Measles. Did a lot for my mood. Well, at least I know it's at Glacier for sure, which means that Dean will want to go. Shit. LET him go, for all I care. I'm in no mood for festivities.

8:15 p.m.

Nothing to write, really, but feel like writing anyway. Maybe I'm crabby cuz I'm tired, worn-out and tense from all the rushing around this week. Maybe. Wonder what I'll do tonight, if I'll be stuck going to that idiotic game or what. What I NEED is a good night's sleep.

Well my baby, she's alright
Well my baby, she's clean outta sight
Don't you know that she's some kind of wonderful
Yes she is

1:25 a.m.

Dean just left a few minutes ago. What a wild evening. Didn't I know it would be? Like I said, every single time we're together we come closer & closer, and tonight was no exception. Tonight we were RIGHT ON THE VERGE, so close you wouldn't believe it. We've gotta KNOCK IT OFF!!! I love him so much, I don't want to lose him. I don't want sex to be the only thing binding us together. I've seen it happen before. I don't want us to become a couple of objects in each others' eyes.

 

 

 

 

Sunday 10:05 p.m.
December 22, 1974

I didn't see or talk to Dean at all today, and I can't help but worry. I tried calling his house, but his sister said he went to a Sonics game. Oh well - I guess it's good that we each pursue our own interests and don't spend too much time together. But I wish I could have at least talked to him. Guess I'm too afraid of losing him. I doubt that I'll be seeing much of him the next couple of days. Tomorrow night he's going to a party and I'm going roller-skating with church friends. Tuesday I'm going to Snoqualmie Pass inner-tubing with the church, then spending the traditional Christmas Eve at Grandma St. John's. And then Wednesday is Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

Monday morning 10:35 a.m.
December 23, 1974

Just woke up. Dad let Jasper and the pup sleep in the living room last night, and now the whole house is a total wreck. Damn puppy. I wish we could get rid of her. Have a feeling I'm gonna have to spend the whole day doing housework. Don't even care if Dean calls ... he probably doesn't have TIME for me.

 

 

 

 

December 24, 1975
Tuesday 10 a.m.

Wow, can't believe that another Christmas is almost here & gone. My life is going by so quickly.

Finished all that heavy housework yesterday, so today should be relatively easy to clean up. Just a few odds & ends laying around. I've been up for about an hour - a stony, gray day, citingly cold outside. Wish it would snow! Sitting here on my bed in my pajamas, listening to the radio, waiting for my bacon to cook. Starving.

I'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY TO GET TO A STORE TODAY AND GET DAD A CHRISTMAS PRESENT!!!  That is my major worry right now. Dean and Rhonda both dropped in yesterday afternoon and brought me a Christmas present. Dean's is suspiciously big and square ... bet it's a teddy bear. (I hope so.)

Last night I went rollerskating with the church, but I didn't have a very good time. I was lonely for Dean, Connie B. was making me nauseous, and I was in a surly mood.

Just ate a great bacon & egg breakfast, cuddled with the puppy for a minute, but now I can't seem to get my motor started.

Roddy McDowall is on "Hollywood Squares"!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Day 1974
6:36 p.m.
Lovely To See You

Well, another Christmas come and gone. Incredible. Just sitting here in my bedroom, surrounded by my Christmas presents, listening to new albums and wishing that Dean would CALL ME. I probably won't get to see him tonight, but I'd still like to talk to him at least. He gave me the most adorable, honey-colored teddy bear. I fell in love with it the minute I took him out of his box, and he's been my constant companion all day. I've named him "Deanie Bear."  Dad gave me the clock radio; it's super neat.

Last night at Grandma's was super fun. Everyone was really sloshed, including me - I was so drunk I couldn't even walk. It was fun, tho. I didn't go to the midnight candlelight service at church - too drunk! - but Dean came and picked me up around 10:30. We drove up to the airport for an hour or so, so I could sky down a little. The whole evening is a little fuzzy now in my memory, but I do remember that while Dean and I were parked up in that nice, dark, quiet, secluded place, I suddenly became fiercely aggressive. I swear there was just no stopping me. That's what alcohol does to me, I'm afraid. Dean, however, was watching the time closely and he sort of prevented things from getting too carried away. Now that I'm sober again, I really appreciate that.

All in all, it was a pretty decent Christmas.

I just wonder why Dean has called all day, and whether or not he's going to. Maybe he got in trouble for coming home late last night. Horrible thought.

I don't think he liked the I.D. bracelet I gave him - he wasn't wearing it last night. Oh well.

DEAN - CALL ME PLEASE!!!

7:18 p.m.

Phone rang. My heart stopped, hopes were high ... it was Grandma Vert. A bit disappointed. DEAN?

 

 

 

 

Thursday morning 10:41 a.m.
December 26, 1974

Got up a little while ago - washed my hair, put on some makeup. Dean never called me last night. Not ONCE!  I just don't know what to say, what to think.  I had terrible dreams all night, dreams that he'd stopped loving me and didn't care anymore. I WISH HE WOULD CALL.

2:59 p.m.

He still hasn't called, can you believe it? I spent most of this day moping around the house, crying, waiting, screaming at the silent telephone ... and the other half doing something constructive, the housework. Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore, I broke down and called his house. His sister  answered, and she said No, he isn't home, he went down to Southcenter. I wasn't quite sure how to react to that - part of me was relieved, cuz that means he's got a good excuse for not calling ... but the other part of me says "Why didn't he invite me to go along with him?"   His sister said she'd tell him to call me when he got home.

Dear Diary -
What a day it's been
Dear Diary -
It's been just like a dream
Woke up too late
Wasn't where I should be
For goodness sake
What's happening to me?

 

4:00 p.m.

He still hasn't called. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, aren't I? The ache in my heart is growing stronger, more acute. Either his sister forgot to tell him to call me, or else he's just decided not to for some reason. What have I done to make him stop caring??

6:29 p.m.

He called about an hour & a half ago, and we talked for a long time. Words can't begin to express the relief in my heart. He's coming over tonight at 8. I can't wait to see him!

It started snowing about two hours ago - now the whole neighborhood is covered with a blanket of beautiful white snow.

10:43 p.m.

Well, he never showed up and I'm not a bit surprised. I don't know what the hell's going on, but I'd better get some straight answers pretty damned soon. Madder than you would believe, and for the second night in a row I'm going to bed lonely, heartsick and miserable.

 

 

 

 

Friday morning 9:42 a.m.
December 27, 1974

Just woke up and looked outside. I love the snow! The whole world looks like a Christmas card, or a fairy tale ... it's really beautiful.

12:11 p.m.

Well, here we go again ... Terri sitting anxiously by the phone, wishing & praying that Dean would call. I'm getting sick of this.

12:58 p.m.

Spending a quiet, lonely afternoon in my room ... drawing in my sketchbook, listening to Moody Blues music. There's one song on my new album, called "For My Lady," and it reminds me so much of Dean.

Oh I'd give my life so lightly
For my gentle lady
Give it freely
And completely
To my lady ...

I feel like crying every time I listen to it. Why didn't he show up last night? And why hasn't he called me today? I think I'm losing him. Just at a time when my love for him is deepening, his love for me is fading away, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. What did I do wrong?? Is it too late? Now the tears are welling up in my eyes. My heart is trying to block out the painfully obvious truth ... I refuse to believe the pieces that all add up and point to this truth ...

... Christmas Eve, when I said: "You know, I can never seem to have a really good time when you're not around," and he said "Oh, I can! I had a blast at that party last night." That really hurt my feelings at the time, although I didn't say so, but it wasn't until later that I realized that maybe that's what it was intended to do ...

... Or the way he talks about Cheri. Nothing obvious  -  just a comment here, a remark there  -  now they're starting to add up to something I don't want to believe. Like the time he said he liked to look at her hair because "it always looks so perfect." Or when he was telling me about the party he went to on Monday night, when they played "Wink 'Em," and he had Cheri as a partner ... 

... Or the way he's stopped calling every day, or taking me places with him. A month ago it seemed like he wanted to be with me all the time. Now, it's like he has better things to do.

2:43 p.m.

I think I must be the biggest idiot in the whole world. He called me half an hour ago, we talked for quite a while, and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong between us. All this crap about Cheri and losing him and him not loving me anymore is total nonsense. Time I started growing up and trusting him a little more, I think.  He was sick last night, fever and chills and the whole bit, and I was upset because he didn't want to trudge half a mile in the freezing cold snow to come see me. That's pretty selfish and narrow minded, if you ask me, and I feel really dumb now. 

5:39 p.m.

Ate dinner, watched a movie with Dad ("Life With Father"). Now I feel like a human being once more. I hope Dean can come over tonight after work, but I'm not going to push the issue or pin all my hopes on the possibility. I've learned a lesson on love and trust today that I want to remember the rest of my life.  Uh-huh.

6:38 p.m.

DAMN IT!!!!!!! He just called from work during his break and said he "didn't think he'd make it over tonight." Said he thought it would be a good idea if he "went home and rested." SURE. I just BET he's going home and resting. Of all the lame, phony, see-thru excuses I've ever heard, this one takes the prize. He sounds perfectly fine to me ... what little he talked to me, that is. Most of the time on the phone he just laughed and joked with Kevin, didn't pay much attention to me at all. It was a horrible phone call. So what do I do tonight??? Just sit around feeling lonely, feeling about as wanted as a wet piece of bread. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM FOR THREE DAYS!!!!

Now I wish Christmas Vacation would hurry up and get over so I could get back to school. At least there I'd get to see Dean every day.

 

 

 

 

Saturday afternoon 3:15 p.m.
December 28, 1974

Tin Man
You've Got The Love

At least I haven't spent the entire day in complete seclusion to the outside world. I got up early (Dad's home again today), took a shower and set my hair, and then Kar called to let me know she's home from California. (Finally. Maybe now I'll have someone to keep me company.) She came over for awhile, bearing Christmas presents - she gave me some stationery, an old medicine bottle filled with artificial flowers, and a beautiful little gold bracelet that has my name on it. She left early, and I spent the next couple of hours rummaging through my closet, reading my old letters and autograph books. Dredged up a lot of old memories, particularly of my Golden Summer of ‘72 ... the happiest three months of my life.

Tonight - IF NOTHING ELSE COMES UP - I guess I'll have to go the choir dress rehearsal at church tonight. What exciting fun, ha ha ha. I wish -- perhaps in vain -- that I could see Dean tonight, but I don't expect anything out of him anymore.

(Phone just rang. I looked at it, holding my breath, scarcely daring to hope."Please Lord," I prayed silently ... "Hello?" It was Grandma Vert. My heart broke into ten thousand little pieces, my brain started to dissolve, all hope in me died a flaming death.)

I haven't seen him for FOUR DAYS!!!! 

Day after day I'm more confused
Yet I look for the light thru the pouring rain
You know that's a game that I hate to lose
And I'm feelin the strain
Ain't it a shame
Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away ...

4:12 p.m.

What's the point in ever trying to love somebody? It never works out, never. Just when you've given him your heart and soul and feel like you've got a good thing going, BAM, everything changes. I may be crazy, thinking that my relationship with Dean is ending. It could be that he has sincerely been "busy," hasn't had enough time to see me this week. (Crying.) But why? I thought he really loved me! He said he did! Just one week ago he told me that I was "the first and only" girl that he had ever really loved. Was he just feeding me a line? To see how much he could get off of me? (Not Dean ... ?) Or did he mean it at the time, but then woke up one morning and said "Hey, I don't love Terri anymore."

She was looking so sad and lonely
‘Someone help me, someone save me'
I could see the look she gave me ...

Is our relationship dying? Or is it just beginning? [You tell me.] Am I being a dopey dum-dum, expecting too much from a poor guy that already has his share of problems? Or do I have a right to worry? 

 

 

 

 

Sunday evening 7:13 p.m.
December 29, 1974

Quickly. You know what I'd really like to do? I'd like to just rip out the last few pages of this ledger!!!  All the dumb things I was thinking and writing, worrying that Dean doesn't love me anymore ... I must have been insane to really believe all that. He came over last night, and the love between us was still very real and very beautiful. Not a very exciting evening - sitting around watching TV - but simply being with him was all I could've asked for. He said so many things last night that touched my heart, and it let me know that he really does care, and it only makes me love him more.

Me: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Dean: (Laughing) "It makes the brain go CRAZY, that's what it does!"

And what's really neat was that there wasn't any heavy sex stuff last night. Just a boy and girl together, talking, loving each other.

Me: "I was afraid you wanted to break up."
Dean: (firmly) "No. No. No. NO. NO!!"

This was a really nice day ... I felt the love of God shining through me, and it made me able to really love other people. Our singing group sang at the 8:30 and 11:00 church services, and it was really beautiful. I gave my testimony at the later service, and I shared about love and how God was enabling me to care about people that before I couldn't love (like Connie Brown!!)  After church Connie and me were talking, and it's neat to have all the hate that was eating away my heart gone. 

Dean called this afternoon - tonight he went to a basketball game with Big G club downtown. HAPPY!

 

 

 

 

Wednesday 3:57 p.m.
January 1, 1975
You're No Good

Would you believe I just got up half an hour ago??? I went to the all-night New Years Eve party at church last night (3rd year in a row!) from 10 p.m. until 6 a.m., and it was really pretty fun. A good way to start off a brand new year.

1975. Can you believe it? I can't!  I can remember 1965 clearly, and here it is ten whole years later. Makes me feel old. I really, REALLY wonder what the coming year holds in store for me. So much can happen in a year - so many things can change. In a way, I'm afraid of changes - but still, I can't help but be a little excited! I don't have any specific resolutions, except for one: I'm going to try to talk to one new person every week, or someone that I don't usually talk to. If I could do that, just imagine the results: at the end of the year I'd have 52 new friends!

Before Bed 11:58 p.m.

Dean took me out tonight to a Sonics basketball game tonight - very exciting game against the Washington Bullets, the Sonics won.

Dean will be leaving tomorrow morning to go skiing in Portland with Dave Ginther from my church, and chances are I probably won't be seeing him until Monday.

 

 

 

Thursday 11:41 a.m.
January 2, 1975

Kung Fu Fighting

Right now Dean's on his way down to Portland with Dave Ginther. I'm going to miss him, but Dave is the choir director at our church and a super Christian, so he'll probably be able to talk to Dean about Christ in a way that I never could. Part of me wants to be jealous of the friendship between the two of them, but I know that's just Satan trying to get me to wreck Dean's chances of becoming a Christian. I'm going to spend some time this morning praying and reading God's word.

3:42 p.m.

I got my application forms to be on the summer staff at Camp Firwood today. It's going to be tough, and chances are I won't make it - but I'm not going to fill out ANYTHING until I've really prayed about it and asked God to help me. I've got to get a bunch of references. I think I'll have Mrs. Claiborne fill out the one from a teacher, and have Pastor Wheatley, Sue Wieker and Tom fill out the ones for Christian leaders. What if I make it? A whole summer spent at Firwood?? 

 

 

 

 

Saturday afternoon 1:25 p.m.
January 11, 1975

Lazy morning, still haven't done ANY work, haven't even gotten dressed.

4:49 p.m.

Sorry I haven't written in over a week, but for some reason I've been feeling less and less of a need to write out all my thoughts in you, Ledger. Maybe I'm growing up a little. At any rate, the dependency is diminishing.

Dean and I might go out tonight if he can get the car. Last night was a basketball hame against Highline and then a dance afterwards. Pretty fun.

(You're No Good, you bum, C.C.!)

 

 

 

 

Monday night
January 14, 1975

Mandy

Things are starting to pile up again. I'll spare you the tiresome details, but I have a feeling it's just my monthly case of the blahs. I'm worried because of my feelings for Dean, for one thing. I love him -- and that's the trouble. I can feel myself depending on him and needing him more and more every day, and I know that's not good. I'm starting to build my whole world around him, almost to the exclusion of everything else, and I'm scared that his feelings aren't as strong as mine. I'm scared of losing him. I think Dean's mother hates me, for another thing. She thinks I'm "corrupting" her darling baby son.

Aunt Bonnie has cancer of the mouth and uterus and is going in for surgery on Monday. It's expected to be a very dangerous operation and I'm worried. To make things worse, no one in the family knows about it but Grandma, Grandpa and me. Aunt Bonnie doesn't want anyone to know. I think Grandma told me so that I can help pray for Aunt Bonnie, but I think I'll go nuts, keeping it inside of me.

Other cheery news - Dick might have appendicitis. Won't know until tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be some day, trying to keep up a front of interest & vitality when inside I feel nothing but blah, blah, blah.

 

 

 

 

Friday evening 7:33 p.m.
January 17, 1975

Dance tonight after the basketball game -- I'm skipping the game, but I wouldn't miss the dance for anything! Once I managed to break my initial fear and go to that first dance, it completely cured me of my dancing phobia. Now I have, as a result, a new interest and am I ever glad! Dean's picking me up at 9:00, after he gets off work.

Just spent fifteen minutes talking to (Phil's brother) Ryan on the phone -- what a sweetie. Put me in a fairly good mood. Now I've got to take a shower and set my hair, get ready for the dance.

 

 

 

 

Saturday
January 18, 1975

Tired.

Laura Payne and I went down to Southcenter and spent almost three hours shopping for formals for Tolo. I bought mine for $16.00 at Penney's - it's long, slinky material the color of a robin's egg, with a matching little jacket with ruffles. Really pretty, I love it. I had some money left over so I bought a new blouse ($5), a sweater ($3) and a tank top ($4).

Evening 10 p.m.

I wanted to see Dean tonight -- but the way things worked out, I couldn't for more than 5 minutes. He got into a huge argument with his mom over the family car, and she would only let him come over long enough to bring me his air heater for my bedroom. (The house is like a refrigerator cuz we ran out of oil.) We stood on my porch and talked ... he was so worried about me being cold, and upset about the fight with his mother, and somehow it made me feel very feminine and protective. I love him.

Cleaned my rooom, now I'm waiting for my eggrolls to cook.

 

 

 

 

Sunday afternoon 2 p.m.
January 19, 1975

Dean was going to take me with him to Southcenter today at 2, but he hasn't called or anything so it looks like he can't. I wish he'd call, though. (He did & we went.)

 

 

 

 

Thursday night 10:03 p.m.
January 23, 1975

I went to Dean's swim meet tonight after school, to be a time keeper - he didn't come over tonite because we were both SUPER TIRED.

It's been almost three months -- three beautiful, memorable months that I will always cherish. I hope we have many, many more.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday morning 8:55 a.m.
January 28, 1975

Snowy day. I slept in a couple of extra hours this morning, plan on getting to school at lunch time.

Yesterday was a semi-horrible day. First day of the new semester, and I met with two crushing blows:

1. I don't have Dean in ANY classes - they put us in different English classes.

2. I have Naibert for another dull semester of History: same textbook, same gloomy classroom.

Plus, Dad got super SUPER mad at me last night while Karen and I were cooking dinner, cuz we kept singing the Mickey Mouse Club song and it got on his nerves. He ended up screaming at me, "JUST GET OFF MY BACK AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" That hurt my feelings so much that I went in my room and didn't come out until he was going to bed.

Dean came by after work and stayed until past 11. As usual, we got all involved ... in fact, I don't think we've ever been as aroused as we were last night ... and right in the middle of everything, Dad came walking out.

Later:

I didn't go to school at all today, cuz I couldn't get a ride and I didn't want to walk in the snow. Oh well, no great loss. I spent my day writing Dee Dee a long, newsy letter -- did the dishes, listened to the radio. Gently throbbing headache has been pestering me all afternoon. Missing Dean, and thinking about something he said last night:

Me: "Don't you feel bad about what we've been doing?"
Dean: "No. Am I supposed to?"
Me: "I don't know."

Hmmmmmm ... I'm excited about Tolo! Saturday night. It's going to be fun, fun, FUN, and I'm going to be having a good time with the guy I love.

 

 

     

Dad took these pictures of Dean and I leaving for the ill-fated dance
February 1, 1975

 

 

Sunday morning 9:53 a.m.
February 2, 1975

Tolo was last night. The dance and dinner were just as special and wonderful and fun as I knew it would be ... but from the minute we dropped David and Laura off, it was downhill all the way. I am totally miserable. I feel like my whole world is going to crumble in on me. In fact, I wish it would. Dean "doesn't know" if he loves me anymore. How's THAT for a nice way to end the evening? God, what am I going to do??? I can't sleep, I can't stop crying, and this lump in my heart is growing bigger every second. I just want to die.

I think I'll go for a long walk today and give myself a chance to clear out my head and my heart and sort out my feelings ...

Dean said he'd call, but he probably won't. After I've had some time to figure out what I'm going to do, I'll write in you again, Ledger, and tell you what happened.

Afternoon:

Spent the day at Southcenter with Karen, 1.) Walking around, 2.) Window shopping, and

(journal entry ends)

 

 

 

Saturday night 5:59 p.m.
February 8, 1975

Dean and I are still going together, thank goodness, although our relationship this past week hasn't been quite as heady and heavy as it has in the past. Maybe it's a good idea that we cool things down a little. It might help in the long run. I don't know if I'll be seeing him tonight. He's working, but he might come over later. I hope so.

 

 

 

 

Sunday morning
February 9, 1975

Bungle In The Jungle

Just sitting here in bed, thinking and feeling awful. What a hangover ... I feel just terrible. Not sure why. Maybe I should sort out my feelings. Wet, gusty day. The house is still and quiet.

I'm sure Dean doesn't love me. Last week, after Tolo, he said he "wasn't sure" if he does anymore or not, and the subject hasn't come up since. I take silence to mean that he's decided he doesn't love me but he's afraid to say so.  He's changing. He used to be so sweet around me, treated me so special ... now I don't know WHAT he thinks of me. I don't think he has any respect left for me at all. That hurts me deeply because I know there's no way I can ever change that. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? Should I break up with him? Should I just come right out and ask him if he loves me? WHAT SHOULD I DO? I  feel so confused, and so alone. Everything is in turmoil - my whole world. Not just concerning Dean, but everything ... my relationship with God, the church group, school, home, everything. What do I do? Where do I turn?

I feel so sick ... probably going to barf my guts out.

1:35 p.m.
The No-No Song

I threw up, all right (funzies) and now I feel much better. My frame of mind has improved a little, too.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday 10:09 p.m.
February 11, 1975

I dropped a phone on my toe this morning - very sore & swollen, think it's broken.

Sometimes life seems so pointless. I don't seem to fit in anywhere ... I've decided to quit the youth group at church. I can't take the hypocrisy one minute longer. It's all turned into one big social circle and I'm sick of it. School is alright, but I don't really fit in there, either. I'm different, I guess. Watching that movie tonight ("Sara T: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic") made me realize that I'm not the only teenager who feels frustrated, trapped and lonely.  And hello? Alcoholic?  I have plenty of company. Maybe you outgrow it.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday
February 12, 1975

Can't even WALK (because of my toe), so I'm stuck in bed for a day or two. Grandpa took me to the hospital today, where my toe was x- rayed and lanced.

 

 

 

 

Thursday 3:45 afternoon
February 13, 1975

He was going to come over after school today and bring me my books, but he never showed up. Am I surprised? Not really. I just don't feel secure in his love anymore. For that matter, I don't even HAVE his love anymore. Ever since that awful Tolo night, the subject of "love" hasn't come up once. So I guess that he really doesn't love me. And that hurts. I'm still so hung up on him.

Tonight is his night off. Will he call? Will he come over? He seems so unaware of the fact that he's hurting me deeply. He's always "busy" ...

6:15 p.m.

He called a few minutes ago. He's going to the game with "Rick" tonight - not a word about taking me along. Sounded like he couldn't even care less. Plus, Cheri E's name managed to creep into the conversation twice, making me feel totally miserable.

Dean: "You're gonna get really mad at me when you see the cover of the next school paper."
Me: "Why?"
Dean: "Cuz my picture's on the front page with another girl."
Me: "Who?" (under my breath I said, "Cheri .")
Dean: "Cheri."
Me: "What are you doing?"
Dean: "Holding her hands."

(They "made" him pose for the cover with her. I bet he was really reluctant ... ha ha)

The offending newspaper photo

Later 8:00 p.m.

So very full of thought that I just want to write out all the things that are in my heart; maybe some of the heartache and pain and hurt will be washed away and I'll be able to sleep tonight. I think I've cried all the tears my eyes are capable of holding. I only feel numb and pensive and cried-out. Maybe that's why I'm so much in the mood for writing ... because I'm in more of an objective frame of mind now than I was a couple of hours ago. I can be honest about the way I feel.

I wonder about love, and life, and sex, and where it all fits in my life.  I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. I can't talk to Mom ... we aren't close enough, and I'd feel too awkward. Dad is a man (obviously) and wouldn't be able to look at it from my point of view - that of a young, confused teenage girl. My girlfriends are too busy sorting out their own thoughts and feelings without worrying about mine.

No one but you, Ledger.

The house is still and quiet. Dad is in bed, all the TVs are off. Outside, the rain is beating steadily, incessantly. Alone in my room, writing by the light of my bed lamp, I feel very much alone and private and aware of the stirrings within me.  I want so much to be loved. I know I am - I must be - my family loves me, God loves me, Jesus gave up His life out of love for me. So why do I still feel so unloved? Is it Dean I'm really clinging to? Or the idea of being loved by someone? Will I ever really be loved by one man? Will there ever be a man who loves me so deeply, fully and completely that he'll be willing to spend his whole life with me? Will I ever meet a man who'll be so "right" for me that I'll feel like singing and shouting and dancing and setting off fireworks ... and then when the fireworks and initial excitement are gone, I'll still be left with a quiet magic that will keep us together? It's hard to imagine. It's hard trying to love someone. It never seems to work out ... at least, not when you're 17 and lonely and impulsive. Love always hurts. It always ends painfully, in disillusionment and mistrust and hurt. At least, that's what experience has taught me. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's only because I'm a girl, and I'm still young. Maybe things will change: maybe someday love won't hurt. I really hope that's true.

But in the meantime, how do I keep myself out of trouble? How do I avoid getting myself into the position where I can be hurt? How do I keep from giving too much of my soul and my feelings and my love to the "wrong" guys who are bound to come into my life between now and Mr. Right? What can I do now to ease the pain?

Maybe I'm not really losing Dean ... maybe I've just worked myself up into believing things that aren't true. But maybe I'm right. How can I tell? What do I do?

 

 

 

 

Friday night 6:49 p.m.
February 14, 1975

This was a depressing Valentines Day. He didn't give me a card, a kiss, didn't even wish me a "Happy Valentines Day." How can I express the way I feel right now? Neglected, unloved, sinking. All the beautiful magic we used to share has disappeared, and there's no way to get it back.

He walked me to most of my classes, held my hand, put his arm around me. But the atmosphere between us has changed ... stiff, almost formal.

He works tonite. I'm sitting home alone, crying, sighing, wishing he could find a minute to call. (He won't.) He used to come over on Friday nights after work. (Not anymore.) Will I see him at all this weekend? (I doubt it.) He'll be "too busy," and I'll say that I "understand" ... .... BUT I DON'T. I LOVE HIM, DARN IT!

 

 

 

 

Saturday morning 10:42 a.m.
February 15, 1975

Twilight Time

I really had a long talk with myself this morning. I mean, I REALLY chewed myself out. For an hour this morning I was as good as dead ... I just lay around, listening to sad songs on the record player, crying, moping, wishing I was dead. But suddenly a feeling swept over me ... a positive, constructive feeling that has built me up and given me strength. I'M NOT GOING TO LET THIS THING BEAT ME!! It's as simple as that! Maybe I do love Dean, a little, and I'll be sorry to see our relationship end. But. It's NOT going to be the end of the world for me. I refuse to let it be! Maybe it's the music that's building me up. I've stopped listening to the sad, mushy love songs that tear my heart apart: instead, I listen to old, familiar songs that are filled with memories of promise, not heartache.

12:21 p.m.

Still all right.

2:00 a.m., Before Bed

Dean came over tonight after work - he called this afternoon and ASKED if he could (!!!) - and all is semi-right in Terri's world. Due to lateness of hour, however, my eyelids are finding it extremely difficult to remain open ... therefore I will at this time retire, surrender to slumber, and commence penning the events that transpired this evening when I arise tomorrow morning. OK, man? Groovy.

 

BUDGET

$10.00 a week

If you don't spend all of your $10.00, put the remainder in piggy bank for savings.

$2.00 for lunches

Things I Need:

  • Karen's Christmas present (important)
  • New purse
  • Develop my pictures
  • Pee chee
  • Liquid makeup
  • Blusher
  • Deodorant
  • Nail polish
  • "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

This week (with $17.00) I can afford to buy Karen's present ($5.00), a pee chee (20 cents) and deodorant ($1.35) The rest put with next week's allowance toward purse or pictures Southcenter tomorrow?

 

 

 

 

Sunday evening 8:13 p.m.
February 16, 1975
On The Border

I've got to stop this drinking business! I'm not turning into an alcoholic or anything, don't worry ... but I've been doing a lot of "social drinking" lately, and it begins to add up after a while. What I don't need is a corroded liver.

I went to the Sonics game with Dean today. Things seem to be more or less back to normal. Sigh of relief.

February 18, 1975
Tuesday

Good day because Rhon and me were in good moods.  Even Dean was acting super sweet and attentive. 

After school I rode the bus home with Rhon  --  we got her car and went to the bowling alley to watch the school league teams bowl.  Tonite her, me and Lori went to the basketball game at Highline, and we were ROARING DRUNK.  (We drank whiskey & Coke, almost a whole fifth.)  It was fun, but Dean, who was waiting for me at Herfy's 

(Entry ends abruptly  ...  and ominously.)

 

 

 

 

Wednesday evening 7:49 p.m.
February 19, 1975

What is going on in my heart & mind? I've spent a couple hours tonight reading my journals from last summer. The account of my first date with Craig, and our ill-fated romance, was so vivid that it brought back clear, poignant memories and caused me to become almost totally immersed in the past. I could feel my heartstrings beginning to play all the told familiar melodies. 

I can't make rational decisions about my feelings tonight. I can only sit here and wonder.

Dean was extremely cold and distant toward me today. I think he was still a little mad at me for getting drunk at the basketball game last night with Rhon & Lori. Last night we layed in his car and made out until 1 a.m. ... maybe he was just tired today. For that matter, maybe we both were. I had a king-sized hangover on top of everything, did wonders for my frame of mind. It's a miracle I even made it to school at all today.

I'M SO CONFUSED.

I'm going to wash my hair, eat the rest of my prunes, and go to bed. Tomorrow morning when I get up the answer - clear-cut, logical and 100 % painless - will be laying here on my pillow.

 

 

 

 

Thursday afternoon 3:06 p.m.
February 20, 1975

Things between Dean and I were tense. He was being as cold and casual as yesterday, so finally during lunch I asked him what was wrong. 

"I'd rather not talk about it now," he said. 

"Oh," I said, "Well, does it have to do with me?" 

Dean said "Yes." 

Silence. 

"I wish you would tell me," I said. 

"Alright," Dean said. "I think you were lying to me about Tuesday night. You said you weren't drunk, but I think you were." 

I just sat there and looked at him. I didn't know what to say: I just felt awful. The rest of the day he was semi-nice ... he always appeared at my locker between classes and walked me to my classroom in silence, but it was so awful.

THOUGHT: He and I are just looking for a good excuse to break up, such as a good rousing argument. The next one should do it.

Gotta go to dinner with Grandpa & Gim.

 

 

 

 

February 21, 1974

Well, Ledger, it's over ... just that simple, just that quick. We're all through. I haven't cried - yet - but I can feel the tears beginning to stir. Ledger, I loved him. Can love die that quickly? If I wouldn't have gotten drunk on Tuesday night, we'd probably still be together. I feel just awful.  It was the first time that my drinking cost me a relationship that mattered.  

I'm so depressed. I don't WANT anyone else. I want Dean. I want him back.

 

 

 

 

Saturday morning 8:30 a.m.
February 22, 1975

Chevy Van, Snookeroo, My Eyes Adored You

Woke up groggy and headachey, with deep pain in my heart. Shallow sleep filled with feverish dreams ... dreams that Dean and Cheri liked each other ...

Last night was so depressing. Dean completely ignored me at Herfy's. I feel so worthless, I hate myself, I hate life. I just wish I could die. I'm going to call him today and ask if we can talk about it. Maybe I'll end up making a total idiot out of myself, but I have one bare, tiny hope in my heart ... the fact that we still haven't broken up officially. I mean, we haven't come right out and SAID "This is is it, we're breaking up." I'll apologize, I'll be sensible, I'll be mature. Please, Lord ... oh please ... My heart never hurt this much before. Please, Lord, let things straighten out between us. I TRUST YOU! I know I can't do it on my own! I'll call him at 10:00. I'm so scared.

3:40 p.m.

This is the last time I'm going to write in you, Ledger. After today I'm going to begin a new journal.

My tendency is to look at breaking up with Dean as an end, when it's actually probably more of a beginning than anything else. I wish I could see into the future, but I can't ... but I still have the feeling that this is the beginning of SOMETHING. That's why I want and need a new Ledger ... to help me face this beginning without constantly looking into the past. A new Ledger will help symbolize a new beginning. I've been avoiding you, anyway. I've been afraid to sit down and write what happened today, because it means coming face to face with my feelings. Sometimes when you really hurt inside, you'd rather try to bury it, cover it up, ignore it, hoping that maybe it will just go away. But I realized that maybe it would be a good idea to bring it all out into the open and admit the things that are in my heart. That is - maybe it's a good idea that I DO write it all out. Maybe someday I'll be glad I did. I may be having to face this kind of pain again someday, and I'll be glad that I had the strength to put my thoughts into words because they may help me straighten out my head in the future, too.

I'll put this very simply, because this is the painful part. I called Dean this morning and we talked for nearly an hour. He said that he just doesn't feel the same anymore. He's tired of pretending, and he thinks the best thing to do would be to break it off. I finally agreed, reluctantly. He said that he would always remember me as being something special in his life, and that I taught him valuable lessons in loving and life that he couldn't have learned anywhere else. He also said that he would never regret anything concerning our relationship, that he would never hold anything against me, and that he'll never say anything deragatory about me to other people.

When I hung up, I literally went to pieces. I couldn't stop crying - long, racking sobs that exhausted me. I buried my face in my pillow, beat my fists against the blankets. After a few minutes I felt this sudden need to be held ... so I slipped into a bathrobe and went out into the hallway. Dad heard me, and all of a sudden I found myself in his arms. He has been very kind and gentle with me all day.  I've tried not to spend the day wallowing in misery and self- pity, but it's been hard. Sue Wieker came over for a while this afternoon, and I broke down and told her all about it. She shared with me from Scripture, explained to me what my choices are, what my responsibilities are, how God wants to fit into the picture. She gave me a lot to think about.

Now I have a few decisions to make.

1.) I have no choice - I've GOT to forget about Dean. I can't bring him back by dredging up painful old memories, and I've got to leave him behind and begin looking ahead - WITH NO REGRETS.

2.) I've got to figure out what to do about guys. I've got two choices: I can either run out and rush into the first involved relationship that comes along, in an effort to lessen the pain of losing Dean ... or I can reserve my feelings for a while and WAIT before I tangle my heart and my soul up with another guy.

3.) I MUST decide (and this is the most important of all) - whether I want to turn it all over to the Lord and let Him have my life. First, I want to figure out #2.

I feel lonely, and let-down, and very unloveable ... at least, part of me does. The other part of me is a little bit (admit it, Terri) glad that this happened, and is kind of excited about what may be coming up next. That's why I'm so confused ... my feelings keep fluctuating, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm on a see-saw.






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