February 26, 1975
here in 5th period Journalism. I'm so glad to have a new ledger ... I
was starting to go crazy without one.
has been an average, OK day. Rhonda, Lori & Karen all seem
to be in semi- good moods, we're getting along all right.
However. We're all starting to sing the "I want to go to Prom" blues.
Prom is April 26th, two whole months away, and I doubt that I'll get
asked. Rhon, Lori and me went down to Southcenter last night, looking
at formal dresses, and it became really depressing. I'd like to go to
Prom - who wouldn't? - but it's not even that so
much as I wish I could forget about Dean. My basic problem, I guess.
For the first time in almost a year, I find myself sitting here without
a boyfriend ... without any special guy even on my
mind. It's a strange feeling, one that I'm not accustomed to ... but
maybe it's a good idea. Maybe I should try hard to "guard my
affections," as it says in Proverbs, and not get involved with anyone
for a while. My heart needs the rest.
period: Rhonda is madly in love with Mike Faccone; yesterday we went
to the bowling alley for an hour or so to watch him bowl. Mike Heater
there. I sat by him for a few minutes, and he's just as sweet as ever.
Karen: "Terri, are you mad at me?"
Terri: (languidly) "No, why?"
Karen: (in a huff) "Because you sure have been giving me the cold
shoulder all day." (stalks off)
Debbie: "What's wrong with her?"
Terri: "Oh, I don't know ... she's just in one of those moods where
she's feeling sorry for herself."
feel like such an Edwina. Terrispeak for
I locked myself out of the house again, and it looks like the
only thing I can do now is sit here on the front porch (freezing cold
wind is blowing, tiny raindrops keep splashing down on this page) for
an hour or two and wait for Dad to get home. How frustrating.
well - at least it's keeping me out of the refrigerator. Look on the
bright side, Terri.
I'll walk over to Grandma's.
You're No Good
I went to Bible Study tonight; it was OK, something to do. I
spent a lot of time with Phil, as usual.
is Dad's night off, so I'm up a little later than normal, listening to
the radio and eating an apple, my clean wet hair wrapped in a towel. I
feel so blah. Not bad, just kind of empty & emotionless. Flat.
It just feels so strange not to have someone special in my heart to
love and to be thinking about. Terri V without a boyfriend is like salt
without pepper ... Jack without Jill ... night without day. I feel like
a part of me is missing, somehow. Poor Terri.
ya tomorrow, Ledger.
February 27, 1975
"The No No Song"
here on my bed, listening to the radio, reading a letter from Dee Dee,
contemplating the possibility of cleaning my room. Average
day ... we got our Tolo pictures, and I could feel my heart twinge when
Dean came up to me at my locker and gave them to me ("I've
got a present for ya"). Rhonda and I went and drove around
during lunch, just "cruising." Cloudy, gray
weather. I couldn't shut up this afternoon: I talked and talked and
talked, to anyone who came into the Career Planning office. After
school I went to Grandma and Grandpa's for a little while to wash some
feel like life is just drifting by, and I'm drifting along with it.
momento of one of the worst nights of my life
My Eyes Adored You
broke ANOTHER light bulb ... that's about the sixth one this month.
Sitting here in the dusk, munching a crisp pear, laying flat on my back
staring at the ceiling. Music flooding my soul. Tomorrow is the big
game against Interlake ...
February 28, 1975
here in my room, listening to the radio ... almost time to take
my shower and start getting ready for the big basketball game tonight.
I'm determined to go and have a good time. Lori's older
brother Tony is going to drive Rhon, Lori and me to the game,
afterwards we'll all probably go to Herfy's. I hope something good
of neat-o things happened tonight, but I'm exhausted. So
I think I'll hit the sack and write about it all tomorrow, OK? Going to
bed in a good frame of mind. GLACIER BEAT INTERLAKE!!!!!! That means we
tackle another super-power tomorrow night ... the Kentridge Chargers.
That ought to be some game.
in tomorrow sounds absolutely divine.
March 1, 1975
Don't Call Us
love Saturday mornings when I'm in a good frame of mind. So many things
I could accomplish today ... but content with the knowledge that there
would be nothing wrong with just spending the day sitting doing
nothing. A cloudy, gray, cold day. I have the whole house to myself - I
could scream and shout, sing in my terrible voice at the top of my
lungs, play records top blast, and no one would be around to hear.
the game last night. I was just a little bit drunk when Rhonda
came and picked me up at 7:00, so I couldn't shut up ... I was
super-excited. We drove over to Lori's house, and while Tony finished
drying his hair we sat in the living room and talked. The ride
to the game was HILARIOUS. The game was terrific, we were ahead all the
way, and when we won everyone jumped up and down, screaming and hugging
each other with joy. I've never been that enthusiastic at a game
before. Afterwards, the ride home was so funny. Ben kept hanging out
the window and waving at the passing cars. We went to Herfy's, which
was jammed with people of course, and I had a good time talking to a
lot of guys. There's another game tonight, and Rhonda said she'd
call. So far she hasn't, though. I hope I get to
got our income tax refund check today ... maybe I can go shopping
and get my new clothes tomorrow!!
should go wash my hair. If something comes up tonight, I want to be
Ledger, I'm so glad to
find you. I'm so roaring drunk I don't know what I'm writing or saying,
but the need and compulsion to write in you is just so great that I
have to de-fuzz my brain long enough to jot down a word or sentence or
two or so. I didn't mean to get so fucked up tonight. If I wouldn't
known that such a small amount of straight vodka would rip me up so
much, I wouldn't have had so much. I've been drunk for about 7 hours
now and I can't seem to sky down. I keep calling Clarence - he wants me
to call him tomorrow! Hmmmm. There weren't all that many people at
Herfy's, but I was so glad to see Mike H. when he walked in &
held my hand and
couple of pages are ripped out: the narrative
continues the next morning)
I was so drunk that I accidentally dialed 246-8835 instead of Rhonda's
number. A guy answered the phone - he sounded familiar - and I
said something like, "Oops, wrong number." The guy must have
recognized my voice or something because he said, "Is this Terri
Vert?" I was so shocked when he said, "Terri, it's
me ... this is Clarence!"
I must have dialed his number subconsciously. It
was so much fun talking to him, I ended up calling him about 5
times, and he was so sweet every time we talked!! We talked
about so many things, and he said he'd call me today ... I won't
comment on that until I see what happens. Mike said he'd call today,
too, but I'm scared to answer the phone in case it's Dick, Dave, Phil,
etc. ... any of the people who probably hate my guts right now.
went to church this morning - sat by Phil - and now I feel a lot
better. Better frame of mind, that is. Laying around in the living room
with Dad, reading "Ethnic Jokes," drinking Pepsi, watching dumb movies
on TV. Clarence called today, we talked for about a half hour, about
anything & everything. He's as negative and mixed-up as ever,
but at least we're friends again. Mike hasn't called yet ...
I kinda wish he would. I'm not sure how I feel about him, and frankly I
don't feel like trying to figure it out. I'm going to just sit back and
let it happen, let the feelings develop. If they don't, fine - if they
do, fine. Fine, fine, fine.
Mother & Child Reunion
so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open ... bet I have a tough
time getting up tomorrow morning.
called me tonight from work. Suddenly, hearing his voice, I realized
how very un-thrilled I was with the idea of liking him. I JUST DON'T
WANT A BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW!! Strange, but true. It must have
been all that vodka last night, affecting my brain & making me
think I liked him so much.
stay home tomorrow and do my shopping at Southcenter if I wanted to.
Haven't made up my mind yet. Think I'll go to bed. Goodnight!
March 3, 1975
called me about an hour ago, but I didn't feel like talking to anyone
on the phone so I had Dad tell him I wasn't home. Sun is going down ...
sitting here in my room, thinking. Mike Davidson called,
too, and he said that there's an opening for a
counselor's position at a summer camp for retarded kids. Sounds
interesting, especially since that's what I want to do as a
Must think on it.
March 4, 1975
and I drove over to the bowling alley after school to watch the
school bowling league. Mike wasn't there, and I was
relieved. One neat thing did happen, though: Rick Hanley,
guy of my dreams, walked over to us out of the clear
blue sky and started talking to me like we'd been friends for years. I
was SO STUNNED! He asked me how the party last
weekend was, and I said "Fine - what little I remember of
it." He's so neat, but he probably thinks I like Mike now.
guy named Ernie asked me to go to the Led Zeppelin concert with
him. Scott Kelly walked with me to my locker
after school. Hmmm. Kevin Lanning pinched me today on the
nerve. And when Ben walked past me, he slapped me on the rear and said,
"There's my girl!" ??? What is it with my rear end all of a sudden??
Any more interesting encounters with guys ... ? Oh yeah, when Stacy and
I were walking back to class from the library, Doug Lumbard and a bunch
his snooty friends were sitting on the benches outside, and
Doug said "How about her right there, Terri Vert?" in a really loud
pointing at me. I HATE him.
called me tonight. Our conversation was dull and strained, but it
had its moments: he asked me out this Saturday night, but I don't know.
My Great-Grandma Torgrimson passed away this morning, and Mom wants me
to drive to Wenatchee with them on Saturday and attend the funeral. So
I don't know if I'll be home in time. Family duty prevails!
DON'T LIKE MIKE ... not as a boyfriend, anyway. Don't I wish that Rick
Hanley would notice me, though?!?!
March 5, 1975
to the radio. Thinking. Today during the 10 minute break,
Robin and I were walking into the cafeteria to go talk to Lori. I saw
Rick sitting near the door, and my heart started going bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam
. I was afraid to even look at him. Just as we were walking
past him, he said "Hi TERRI." I turned around (acting "surprised") and
said "Oh, HI," giving him my big fakey smile.
lunch Karen and I snooped around in the office and found his class
March 6, 1975
here in the living room with Dad, watching a basketball game on TV,
waiting for the rest of my cookies to bake. I feel very fat tonight. My
diet, which flourished for a week, has flopped. I keep saying "Tomorrow
I'll start all over again," but tonight I eat pizza,
cookies, potato chips, strawberry ice cream ... I feel like a blimp.
saw Rick a couple of times today - never got a chance to talk, though.
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
few minutes ago, just as I was stepping out of the shower, the phone
rang. I answered it, expecting it to be Mom or Mike or somebody equally
mundane. It was SCOTT KELLY! He
asked me for
Karen's phone number ("I've gotta talk to her about something
he said) and then asked me what I'm doing tomorrow
night!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it ... Scott Kelly, last
year's class president, called me. ME! He said that he'd call
back in a little while, and I'll bet that he does ... if Karen doesn't
beat him to it. (Her line is busy: she must be talking to him.) I've
got to try and stay CALM and COLLECTED.
just called me. HE LIKES ME!! He called me again, too. I'm
just too excited to write about it now.
p.m. and I'm still up, watching TV. My eyelids are starting to
droop, but excitement is keeping me wide awake. I just can't believe
it. Two weeks ago I was feeling lower than hell, wondering if
any guy would ever like me again ...
evening 6:45 p.m. ~ Drunk
March 7, 1975
seems like I spend half
my life drunk. Maybe even 3/4. I'm kinda flipped right now ... just a
little vodka. Waiting for Rhonda, Lori and Robin to come and whisk me
off to the basketball game. More later when I've sobered up, OK? Okee
March 8, 1975
felt so good all day today. It's funny - I could almost swear I've been
tripped, but I know I couldn't possibly! It's hard to explain
... I just have that tingling, excited, kind of dizzy feeling I used to
get last year when I dropped speed. It feels neat. It also has provided
me with astonishing energy ... I did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen
stove, swept the floor, ironed Dad's shirt, vacuumed the living room
rug, typed a Softletter (for April 27), washed my hair. Now I feel like
sitting and staring off into space, enjoying this strange feeling.
goodness I didn't wake up this morning with a hangover.
don't know yet what I'm doing tonight. I hope something good
one has called me yet, but I went ahead and got all dressed and made-up
anyway, in case something does come up. Dad's talking to
Carol on the phone right now - maybe someone's trying to get through. I
wish Scott would call. Fat chance.
still sitting here
alone, and I HATE it. I feel like an old spinster or something. To make
things a little better, I fixed myself a drink of vodka mixed with
Collins mixer. Just that one drink, swallowed in a record time of about
one minute, has made me feel really terrific in spite of the cruddy
evening I'm having. Now I'm currently in the process of drinking a
little bit of wine mixed with Pepsi. It tastes rotten but it keeps me
tried to call Mike, but he
wasn't home. Hmmmm. Then I called Rick H. to ask him where Mike was,
but his mom said he's not home. Sure - everybody's out having a good
time but me. I wish this goddamned phone would ring.
it's hard for me to
believe, but I've actually been stood
up. Mike's mom said that he "went
out somewhere with Kenny." Isn't that nice. We had a date
tonight! As for Scott, he's over at Steve Peterson's.. Rhonda
never did call, either ... I knew she wouldn't. Terri Vert feels very
March 9, 1975
just woke up, feeling hot and sticky and sweaty and groggy. Every time
I think about all the dumb phone calls I made last night, I could just
crawl into a hole and die. I just can't believe that everyone would
simply forget about me like that.
day. Dad & I went and drove around for a while this morning ...
we were both depressed and needed a little change of scenery. I bought
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John, at Leslie's.
I got home and was laying on my bed, listening to my new album, Scott
Kelly called and asked if he could come over! I was totally
shocked, but I said "Sure." He came over and stayed for about
two hours. We walked down to Albertsons so I could buy some sinus
medicine, then we stood in my kitchen and talked about everything. I
scraped up the nerve to ask him to go to Grub Tolo with me, he seemed
to really like the idea.
can't figure him out. He hinted around a lot about asking me out
& liking me, but it's hard to read between the lines and figure
out how he really feels. He called me again tonight, but I was tired
and told Dad to tell him I wasn't home.
talked to Mike tonight. He said he "forgot" about our date last night,
and he sounded so sincerely apologetic that I said it was OK. Somehow
we got onto the subject of Debbie, his ex-girlfriend, and he came out
and told me that he still hasn't "completely" broken up with her. He
said that he's "super confused" because he likes both of us and doesn't
know what to do. I kept trying to reassure him that it's OK, I
understand, and that I'm NOT MAD. After all, look at me
... I don't really know who I like, either. He and I are in
the same boat here.
have a throbbing headache, and I'm so incredibly tired, and I
can't make any decisions concerning anything right now. I'll just have
to muddle through as best I can.
Tuesday evening 5:39 p.m.
March 11, 1975
Give It Time
Yesterday Scott talked
to Karen between classes.
He asked her if it's true that I like Rick.
Karen said, "That's dying very quickly," and
Scott looked relieved. Then he said, "Well, do you know who she does
like?" They were both leaning against the wall, and Karen just smiled
and gave him a little sock in the jaw, as if to say "You lucky dog!"
According to her, he smiled real big and looked happy.
night was Dad's night off, and at about 7:30 I heard a knock at the
door ... it was Scott! We sat on the couch and watched TV for
a couple of hours, and it was kinda neat. He started out by putting his
hand on my shoulder, and then gradually ended up with his arm around
me. He kissed me a few times ... no big thrill. (As
I recall he was big on French
kissing, which I hadn't learned to like yet.) He
asked me to go to Todd's with him this Friday night, which sounds like
fun. He said they'll probably have a case of beer, but they might be
able to get a fifth of vodka (my favorite) just for me. Gee whiz, how
thoughtful. He walked me to a bunch of my classes, sat by me at lunch,
now I'm sitting here in my clean (!!) bedroom, listening to a BTO album
and trying to plan my evening. Scott said he would call, and he'll
probably want to come over. I've got a LOT to do ... I'm a wreck!
called at about 6:30 and asked me to go to the Wrestling &
Swimming Awards Dessert at school with him and his mom. It was pretty
fun (Dean was there with his mother, who kept throwing invisible hate
bombs in my direction all evening), but Ledger, what am I going to do?
I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH HIM.
Up In A Puff Of Smoke
still awake ... I can't sleep. I wrote my penpal Dee Dee a
letter, looked through last year's annual for pictures of Scott, and
now I'm just sitting here staring vacantly off into space. So much to
think about. Scott's going to come and pick me up tomorrow morning
again, so I'll probably have to get up at 6:00 to be ready in time.
I'll never make it.
wish I could figure out how I feel about him. I'm no dummy ... I know
that he's one of the world's biggest flirts, and that we're not
destined to be together for very long. That's probably why I
don't want to become emotionally involved.
Wednesday afternoon 3:00 p.m.
March 12, 1975
Stay With Me
rainy, windy day. Karen's coming over in a few minutes.
Long Tall Glasses
so tired, I can't even keep my eyes open. A couple of hours ago I layed
down for a "quickie nap," and the next thing I knew it was 8:30 and Dad
was getting ready for bed! Now I'm sitting here in my warm, clean, cozy
bedroom, listening to soft music on the radio and drinking a Pepsi.
never called tonight, hmmm. Trying not to worry, because worrying would
mean involvement, and I'm trying to avoid THAT at all costs. I'm LIVING
for this weekend and the party at Todd's house on Friday night - 48
hours from now. I hope nothing happens to spoil it.
think of anything else to say, so I'll close. Goodnight!
good day, had it's share of ups and downs. Debbie Kimmel and I are
to go to the junior class play tonight, but I'm so tired that I would
rather spend a quiet evening at home, maybe with Scott .... ? Depends
on whether or not he calls me.
Scott came over tonight, and he was super-sweet. He said he wants me to
go to the Led Zeppelin concert with him and his friends on Monday
night. Good. He said a lot of other sweet things too ... we laid on my
bed together, with the lights turned off, listening to "background
rock" on KISW-FM. There wasn't a whole lot of heavy making out, which
was a relief ... we just lay there in each others' arms, talking
about drugs and drinking and stuff like that. He
wants to get me a hit of windowpane, and I don't know why,
but I really
DO want to try it. The way he was describing the high made it sound
super-neat. I can hardly wait! The only problem is, I'm not sure how I
feel about Scott. Sure, he's absolutely gorgeous, every girl's dream
... but is he the right guy for me? Am I making another big
March 15, 1975
dropped acid last night, for the first time in my life ... I can hardly
believe it. We were at Dale's house
watching TV when Scott asked me if I wanted to drop some
windowpane. I had been expecting it: I knew Scott had bought
a couple of hits, so I had an idea he was going to offer some to
me. It was totally unlike anything I'd expected -- in fact, I
was a little disappointed. I think I expected to be transported off to
an incredibly complex & beautiful fantasy world, to see all the
sights in the universe ... when in reality it turned out to be nothing
more than a big "thinking trip."
March 18, 1975
could just die. I could just DIE. I COULD JUST DIE.
so horribly, crushingly, nauseatingly miserable, I wish I could crawl
into a hole somewhere and end it all. I feel like an utter fool. I went
to the Led Zeppelin concert last night, and I ended up so drunk that I
passed out and Scott had to carry me around everywhere. I guess I threw
up on everything (and everybody) too, including myself and the inside
of my purse, which I then left behind at the Coliseum with all
my makeup and pictures in it.
don't remember anything about
didn't go to school today - I felt like shit -
but Rhonda and Karen both called tonight and told me "it's all over the
school." SHIT. Scott hasn't called - his mom said he's "at the bank,"
and that she'll have him call me as soon as he gets home. I
imagine he's probably mad as hell at me. This is enough to make me quit
drinking forever! No
it isn't. It'll be another 23 years before you finally start
learning from negative consequences.
on earth am I ever going to be able to face everybody at school?? I
feel like such an idiot. Karen said she heard that Scott only got to
see half the concert. I'll bet I never go to another concert with him,
ever again, and frankly I guess I can't blame him. The thing that
really scares the hell out of me is that I can't remember a THING.
should I say to him when (IF) he calls? Should I apologize? Or ask him
if he's mad? Or what? Is this the end of our relationship? The hands of
the clock seem to have stopped completely. It's already been half an
hour since I talked to Mrs. Kelly, and the phone is still silent and
foreboding. I wish he would call ... I want to hurry up and get it over
with. I feel like I'm preparing for a gunfight against Billy the Kid or
Quick Draw McGraw. That's how optimistic I am (or rather, am not).
Phone, please ring before I have a nervous breakdown ...
hour now, and the phone is still as good as dead. I have this sick
feeling in my heart that his mom probably gave him the message but he's
so ticked & disgusted with me that he doesn't even want to talk
to me. God, what do I do??? How do I live this down??? I just gave in
to a childish impulse and dialed his number ... he answered the phone.
Well, that settles that: he hates me and doesn't want to call.
weakened ... I called him ... he's going to call me back "in a little
March 19, 1975
went to the church and had a long talk with Tom. I asked him to help
straighten me out. I'm so confused. Just who am I, anyway? What am I?
Why do I do the things I do? Why am I so afraid to turn to God?
saw Scott off & on at school, but he was still very casual
He said he would call tonight, but I bet he doesn't. I'm not exactly
depressed ... I'm just confused, because I can't figure myself out. I
wish I could run away somewhere and straighten my head out.
March 20, 1975
Cold, pensive, Friday-afternoon-feeling although it's only Thursday (no
school tomorrow). It doesn't take a genius to figure out what he meant
by "I don't know." I asked him to tonight's Grub Tolo nearly two weeks
ago, and today when I re-asked him about it before class, he handed me
this "I don't know" business. He mumbled something about checking to
see what Kevin & Steve are doing, and then said he'd
call and let me know. Sure. Right. So what am I
going to do this weekend?? I feel really rotten ... I know
that if he does call (one chance in a billion), he'll say "Sorry, but
something else has come up."
evening 7 p.m.
March 21, 1975
boy. If I thought I was confused yesterday, that was nothing compared
and I went to the dance at school last night. (Scott never
called.) While I was dancing with Dale, I saw Scott walk in
with some of his friends. I stayed calm and pretended I didn't see him.
When the song was over, I went over and sat down on the bleachers with
Rhon. Scott & his friends were sitting three rows
above us, and after a couple of minutes it felt like they were throwing
little things at me, to get my attention. I ignored it. Suddenly, WHAM,
they threw a COAT on me, which landed on my shoulders. I looked up at
them, and Scott was smiling this big smile. "Come HERE!" he commanded.
I didn't have the faintest idea what to expect, but I climbed up to
where they were sitting and sat down next to him. To make a long story
short ... he acted like nothing had ever been wrong between us. He kept
hugging me, holding my hand, kissing my cheek ... and we danced, a few
fast dances and a couple of soft and romantic slow ones as
well. I was utterly confused, but I went along without question. I
thought at first that maybe he was drunk -- Dave and Dale were -- but
he swore up and down that he wasn't, and since he didn't smell like
booze I was finally convinced. I just couldn't figure out why he was
being so nice to me. After the dance he took off with his friends, and
Rhonda drove me home, but then he drove over to my house just as I was
unlocking my front door.
it's Friday evening. I've spent nearly two hours getting dressed,
fixing my hair, putting on makeup, etc., and I look great. I'm sitting
here on my bed - the clock reads 7:34 - and so far he hasn't called.
I've got the feeling he won't.
said something to me last night when we were driving home that really
hit my heart. "Terri, do you want to do me a favor?" she said. "Forget
about Scott." She said that she's worried about the way he's
using me. "He's only making a fool out of you, and I don't trust him,"
she said. I wonder if she's right.
evening 6:50 p.m.
March 22, 1975
Have You Never Been Mellow
he never called last night ... I knew he wouldn't. And now here I am,
24 hours later, sitting here in my room doing the exact same thing as
last night - sitting here in my room, waiting for someone to call.
Tonight, though, I'm going to DO something. I refuse to just sit here
at home, bored stiff and lonely.
never called. That's it. I've had it. I'm so damned mad at the whole
world - the male race in particular - that I simply don't care anymore.
March 26, 1975
has been a confusing week. Today I came to school with a
clean, brave feeling in my heart. I said to myself, "I'm
over him. I'm not hung up on him anymore. We're just friends. I'm in
control." But when he came over and sat by me
during the ten minute break, and he put his hand on my leg as though
nothing in the world were wrong, I melted all over again. He snapped
his fingers and I came running. He was high, of course. The
only time he ever treats me like his (choke, choke) girlfriend is when
he's stoned. He and Dave dropped some Valium, whatever that is, and I
guess it affected his brain enough to make him unusually affectionate.
He sat by me at lunch - a shock in itself - and then we walked around,
hand in hand.
went to church tonight, and Dad said Scott called while I was gone.
Damn! First time he's called in over a week, and I missed it.
March 29, 1975
Bungle In The Jungle
had a chance to write this week - sorry! Last night Rhonda
and I went to the movies and saw "Young Frankenstein" at the
Southcenter Theater. It was the most hilarious movie I've ever
seen - Rhonda and me were practically rolling down the aisle, we were
laughing so hard. Before she came and picked me up, Scott drove over
with Kevin for a couple of minutes. I was still wearing a dress, which
shocked the hell out of Scott! We drove over to my mom's
house to see if Dick was there ... he wasn't, so no P.H.
Scott and Kevin smoked a joint, but I wanted to stay level so
I only had a couple tokes. I hate the stuff, anyway. When we got back
to my house and pulled into the driveway, I started to get out but
Scott grabbed my arm and said "Hey, don't I even get a goodnight kiss?"
I was a little embarrassed with Kevin sitting in the back seat, but he
obligingly turned away and let Scott and I have a moment of
is a WORK day: housework up to my ears. I hope I see Scott tonight,
though. Dad's having his friends over, so I've GOT to get out of the
Candle In The Wind
going to come pick
me up in a few minutes and take me to a party at Tracy's, but I'm
already sauced enough to last forever. I don't understand why it only
takes one tablespoon of liquor to space me completely. Bye!
minutes past the hour
of seven ... no, six minutes ... and still no sign of Scott. I'm sure
he'll show up or call, though. I have confidence. Thought I'd while
away the minutes by writing in you, Ledg. The music is drifting through
the house, I'm sitting here looking terrific, with my hair all curled
and my makeup & clothes perfect. When Dad went out for a few
minutes I snuck into his room and got some whiskey to put in my Coke.
Tricky. I drank it slowly ... my horrid Led Zep experience taught me
that I can't drink fast and get away with it - and now am I ever
ploughed. I keep singing along with the record - this is a great song.
(Love Ain't For Keeping.)
Scott would call ...
it's getting later every minute. (Duhhhh.) I'm gonna play this song
again, I really like it now. Why did I hate it before?
it! I wish he'd call me
and let me know what's going on!!! I just called his house and he
answered the phone, but I hung up really quick without saying anything.
you believe it's an
hour & a half later? And I'm beginning to feel
perturbed?? I was (and still am) quite drunk, so, armed with unending
liquid courage, I called him a few minutes ago. I made up this phony
excuse about not being home, and he said that they were on their way to
come pick me up. That was 21 minutes ago. Do I feel like a yo yo? Yes I
what the fuck are you
trying to prove?
talk about being stood
up. An hour ago he said he was "on his way," and HERE I SIT. I'm
getting sober now, and I feel like crying. Why would he do this to me?
Why would he purposely lie to me? Why would he want to hurt me like
this? I feel like I've been slapped right across the face. The least he
could do would be to call & let me know what's happened. I
thought I heard a car door slam just now - but I'm just hearing things.
Every time a car passes by I fly to the window, vain hope flooding my
heart. (Mr. K. answers the phone now ... Scott isn't home.) Well ...
it's happened again. He's done it to me again. I feel like an absolute
outside - is it????
Coming ---- knock --- YES!
Sunday (Easter) 1:00
March 30, 1975
went to the party last night with Scott. It was private --
only about 20 people -- and they had a full keg, so
everyone was drinking a lot. I only had one glass of beer, which tasted
like shit, but my head was buzzing so hard that when Scott said "Let's
go downstairs," I went ... like
an idiot. All I want to say about it is that it was like wrestling with
an octopus: he was all arms and hands and fierce determination. Thank
God I wasn't so far gone that I didn't know what was going on. I think
he was pretty mad at me for resisting. He said, "What's wrong?
Something must be wrong?" But I don't really give a fucking
care. I don't care WHAT he thinks of me anymore. He probably
won't call me once during Spring Vacation next week, and I DON'T
I'm in a very good frame of mind, considering. Probably because I
finally feel like I'm in control of the relationship now.
Tuesday 7 a.m.
April 1, 1975
Vacation is dull, dull, dull. Dad has been staying home with the "flu"
so I can't do anything. Everyone from church is on
the retreat to Sechelt: wish I would've gone. Scott
hasn't called in days, but do I care ... ? Damn it
... in a way, YES.
down to Southcenter with Rhonda today. We just walked around and did
some window-shopping, and then we had lunch at Farrell's. I'm
so damned bored & frustrated, I could just scream. I'm about
ready to run away from home. I have half a bottle of Canadian whiskey
stashed in my closet ... maybe I'll get drunk in my room
dropped by for a sec with her boyfriend, David -- she wanted to know if
I had some pot. I said "sorry, no" but gave her Kevin's phone number.
Now I'm just sitting here in my room, watching TV and slowly sipping
some Coke & whiskey. Nothing better to do. Maybe I'll get drunk
enough to brainwash myself into thinking I'm having a good time. I've
put on six pounds. Six miserable, fat, globby, ugly pounds. Ever since
Dean broke up with me, I've been unable to keep my stupid head out of
the damn refrigerator. As a result I feel like the circus Fat Woman.
Guess I've gotta start dieting again, especially with summer right
around the corner. The problem is that food is one of the few
consolations I have left.
April 2, 1975
exciting day, ha ha. All I did was sit around & read a Victoria
Holt novel. The phone didn't ring once the entire
day, can you believe it? I have absolutely no one to talk to ... no one
but you, Ledger. I do believe that everyone in the whole world has
simply fallen off the face of the planet and left me here alone.
Damn, damn, DAMN! Scott called at 6:30 and invited himself over, and
like the idiot I am, I said "Sure." What kind of dummy am I? A glutton
for punishment? He came over and we watched TV in the living room ...
and, as usual, he was all over me. Fortunately he had to be home at
10:00, so that cut short any "ideas" he might have had. Shit. Every
single time I convince myself that it's all over, he crawls back into
my life. Too tired to yell at myself tonight - think I'll start a
letter to Dee Dee and then hit the sack.
April 3, 1975
The electricity in my room is out, and since Dad is at work, I haven't
the vaguest notion how to fix it. That's not what's really bugging me,
though. The thing I can't figure out is what's wrong with me?? Why do I
keep hanging on?
peaceful afternoon. Feeling better than I have in days. Going
to a party at Bob Trepanier's with Scott tonight.
April 4, 1975
tired I can't even keep my eyes open. Fairly happy. Scott's dad
wouldn't let him go anywhere tonight, but I had a long talk with him on
the phone. He sounded slightly more distant & reserved tonight,
but maybe that was just because he was straight. I stayed home and
watched TV with Dad until late, suti. *
My secret code
for "Slightly under the
look like Terri is going anywhere tonight. Shit. Scott hasn't
called all day or all evening, and it's getting later & later.
Even being suti doesn't help: I'm still boiling mad, underneath it all.
April 6, 1975
sunshiny day. I feel like a fat recluse. I've GOT to lose some weight,
somehow! I think I'll fast for a couple of days.
glad that we go back to school tomorrow ... at least I'll be in contact
with people and won't feel so cut-off. Scott didn't call all
weekend, and I'm beginning to get that same old "used" feeling. A
continual up & down. Oh well ... I imagine that the next time
he gets high - maybe tomorrow - he'll come running back and I'll
welcome him with open arms.
morning I'm going to finish off the last of my precious stash and go to
school suti ... it'll help me get through the day. I wish D. would come
through with that mesc! Actually, what I REALLY wish
I had was some speed, but I'm told that the supply is exhausted. Too
bad. If my chance comes, though, I'll probably buy as many bags as I
can afford and store them away for "future crises."
I sound like some kind of drug addict ... old and hard and desperate.
I'm not, I'm really not! Inside I'm still the same old Terri
still desire love, I still need to feel people and nature and God all
around me. I just can't figure out why I feel so empty inside. No, not
empty ... emotionless.
Unfeeling. Concerning drugs and booze and sin, anyway. Not
the slightest, tiniest shred of guilt, as though I were someone else
standing to one side, watching me do these things. I feel unchanged. I
feel the same as I always have. I've always been a very inward person,
and drugs are a very inward sort of thing. Something I do for myself,
not for anyone else. All the things I've heard and read about the
"evils" of drugs seem to be just so much bullshit. Maybe they kill some
people - the dumbbells who let chemicals become their whole existence -
but not me. They won't control me like that. I'm in control. I'm not
going to stop drinking or dropping, because it hasn't hurt me. It's
something I want to do because I enjoy it.
don't know why I have to justify myself to you, Ledger. You understand
already. So tired I can't even keep my eyes open.
April 7, 1975
been working hard & steadily ever since I got home an hour ago,
and I've still barely made a dent in the housework. Have to stop and
take a breather .... (gasp gasp) ... I feel absolutely on top of the
world today. I don't know why - it must be spring fever. The sun is
shining, the birds are singing, and I feel like skipping and shouting
and tossing daisies. I've gotta rush -- tons to do. Later.
All done! You should have seen me tear into that housework. I suddenly
felt burning with an endless energy reserve. I washed and scrubbed and
polished and dusted and swept and vacuumed, until I could hardly
recognize the place.
was some day. I don't understand this sudden feeling of happiness. I
feel young and free and uninhibited. It must be the sunshine. It's
affecting my brain! I didn't even go to school drunk, either.
Turns out I didn't need to! No one
could shut me up all day. Scott was super-super-attentive. I don't get
it. He was all over me ... I mean, he had his arm around me walking to
classes, stuff like that. Naturally that contributed to my good mood by
making me feel wanted and loved, but ....
the main thing (person) on my mind is Rick Hanley.
I was walking to my locker before second period with Kar, and
suddenly THERE HE WAS, on the other side of the hallway, talking to one
of his friends. I was so excited, and then suddenly
he saw me and said, "Hi, Terri." I was absolutely on
Cloud 9 for the rest of the day!! Somehow, some way, I've got
to let him know that I like him. I have a feeling that if he knew,
maybe he'd start liking me too.
just had a horrible thought: what if he has a girlfriend?? Oh horror of
about Rick, and Scott, and everything. This always seems to happen to
me. I'll be going with one guy (in this case, Scott) but the guy I
dream about is someone completely different (Rick). Think I'll take a
shower and wash my hair, then go to bed. It's been a tiring day!
April 8, 1975
wow. Oh wow. Oh wow! Ledger, you wouldn't, absolutely WOULD NOT believe
this day!! I've finally forgotten about Scott (we all know that wasn't
working out anyway) and I've found someone new. I feel so
happy!! Yes, I'm talking about Rick. (Even writing his name makes me
feel all goosebumpy and excited.) He knows I like him! Of course, I
don't know how he feels, but I have a hunch that this may be another
things happened yesterday, that I didn't even know about until today.
During lunch, Rick was in auto shop, busily working on someone's car.
Several feet away a friend of mine, Mike M., was talking to a few of
his buddies. Rick, though his back was turned to Mike & Co.,
was easily within hearing range and could hear every word. Mike
casually said, "Hey, I was talking to Terri Vert this morning, she was
telling me about her love life. Steve Goumaz said, "Oh? Who's she after
this week?" Mike said, nonchalantly, "I think she's kinda got
the hots for Hanley." CRASH!!!!! At
the mention of his name, Rick dropped his wrench onto the concrete
floor. He never turned around, but he hastily bent down and picked it
up, visibly surprised.
After school, Karen and Robin were standing in the hallway talking.
Just then who should walk by but Ed Hruby - one of Rick's closest
(and an ex-boyfriend of mine). Karen knew that I wanted the word to get
around to Rick, so she seized the golden opportunity. As Ed was walking
by, she turned to Robin and said in a loud voice, "DID YOU KNOW THAT
TERRI LIKES RICK HANLEY?" Karen wasn't prepared for Ed's reaction: he
whirled around with a stunned look and yelled "ARE YOU KIDDING??
HANLEY?!?! BOY, WAIT'LL I TELL HIM, HE'S GONNA DIE!!!"
I saw him a couple of times, and as usual I could feel myself grow weak
in the knees whenever he was in the vicinity. For some dumb reason I
keep pretending that I don't see him ... I guess I'm too embarrassed.
Whenever I saw Ed, he looked at me and said "Rick, huh?"
"Does Terri really like Rick?"
Rhonda: "I guess so."
Ed: "Oh my God ... I don't believe it."
school, Rhonda and I went to the baseball game, but first we swung past
the bowling alley so I could sneak a peek at my beloved. When his
friends saw me sitting there, they started pointing at me and nudging
Rick. Once again I acted like I didn't see him. TOMORROW I'll be
civilized and say "hi" to him!
April 9, 1975
kinda depressed this afternoon ... clouds have moved in to block the
sun, you might say.
saw Rick a few times today, but once again I was so shy that I ducked
my head and looked the other way when he passed by. What's the matter
with me, anyway?? I had a silent attack every time I saw him.
depressed because 1. I like him so much 2. I don't know if he likes me
3. The only thing Ed said to me today was "Did you call Rick
this weekend?" I lied and said "no." Truth is, when I was a little
drunk on Saturday night I dialed his number and told his mother to say
? ? ? ? ?
Vert just called me, and she said that "some boy named Rick" tried
calling me this afternoon at her house. OH PLEASE LORD!! Let
him call me here at home!!!
morning 6:30 a.m.
April 10, 1975
just woke up ... sitting here in bed, waiting for my electric rollers
to heat up and listening to the radio. Another overcast day, but for
some reason I feel this twinge of happiness in my heart. It's as though
I know something really terrific is in store for me. Part of me wants
to be gloomy and depressed because of Rick, but the other part is dying
to be optimistic. Tug of war. Might as well let it ride, see what
happens. After all, my horoscope for today told me that I'll be in a
talkative mood and that Rick likes me. What more could I ask for?
If You Want To Get To Heaven
in my ice cold bedroom, listening to the radio, sipping creme soda,
watching the sun set. Several interesting things happened today ... as
a result, I feel fairly happy, but my cold and my backache are
kinda getting me down.
I was picked to represent our school at the state FBLA convention at
Central Washington University next weekend. I'll be competing in the
with other FBLA members after the competition
(I'm front row, far right)
I saw Rick at two different times today, and both times he stopped,
waited for me and walked with me!! Before second period I was walking
through the 100 building, searching for him everywhere. Suddenly I saw
him a few feet ahead of me, and he must have felt my eyeballs boring
holes into the back of his head because he turned around. I almost died
of heart failure when he stopped and waited for me to catch up!! I'm so
proud of myself. I looked him STRAIGHT IN THE EYES and said "Hi, Rick."
None of this staring-at-the-floor business! He walked me out the door,
and during our slightly-less-than-smooth conversation he told me that
he tried calling me yesterday. (I knew that was
him!) During lunch, Rhon, Chris and me ran into him in the
parking lot, and he walked with me out to Rhonda's car. I was dying of
ecstasy!! We drag-raced him down 24th, it was really funny.
told me today that Rick "already has a girlfriend." I was absolutely
flattened. I kept thinking, "What if it's all a big joke?
What if he really does have a girlfriend, and him and his friends are
just leading me on?" (Walkin In Rhythm)
I don't know what to think.
"Are you going out with Rick this weekend?"
Me: (walking away) "Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
Ed: "Hey, I'm serious, is he taking you out?"
Me: (flustered) "Oh yah, sure ... I don't know! Ask him, don't ask me!"
Ed: "Oh, OK, I'll tell him you said ‘no.' "
I just realized that my little sister Deb will graduate in 1987!!!
(a thousand years from now)
April 11, 1975
house. Waiting for Rhonda to come pick me up ... we're going to go
watch the football game at Moshier Field. Sun is shining. Saw Rick once
today, before 2nd period, he walked with me, we talked, but he didn't
ask me out. Damn it!! I'm hoping against hope that he'll call
me tonight and make some kind of date, but I have a feeling my hopes
are futile. As far as I know -- if nothing better comes up -- I'm going
to some party with Debbie Kimmel tonight. Darn it all, though, I wish I
be with Rick. I'm afraid that I haven't made a very good
impression on him, though ... whenever I talk to him I get all nervous
and tongue-tied. He probably thinks I'm a stammering idiot. Oh well ...
isn't life strange.
April 12, 1975
feel miserable. I went to the party with Debbie and Rhonda last night,
and I drank enough beer and smoked enough pot to make my head feel like
a ton of bricks this morning. Besides that, I'm super-depressed about
Rick. I'm so damned hung up on him, but it seems like he could care
less about me. Last night at the party, when we were kinda drunk, we
called him. Rhonda talked to him: she said that she was "looking for
Terri," and asked if he knew where I was. Then she invited him to the
party, but he said he had "things to do." Shit. I feel cross, cranky,
irritable, hot and ugly.
haven't done a thing all day but watch TV, listen to records and feel
unloved. The house is a mess, I'm a mess ... the whole world is a mess.
late, late, late ... ... or should I say early, early, EARLY?
I'm so excited, and happy, and just plain ecstatic that I can't sleep.
The world has once again become a joy.
spending the entire day sitting around moping & feeling sorry
for myself, I was SHOCKED AS HELL when Rick called at 6:30! I
didn't recognize his voice: I thought he was someone
else at first. My heart came to a complete standstill when I
realized who I was really talking to!!! After a lot
of polite preliminaries and awkward silence, he did it -
he asked me out. I couldn't believe it! He picked
me up at 7:30, and we drove over to Lewis and Clark where we played a
couple games of pool. He's terrific at it, I'm absolutely
rotten, but it was fun anyway. His car started acting up, so we decided
to play it safe and go to my house vs. driving around and having the
car break down miles from home. We sat on my couch and watched a couple
hours of TV ... Dad obligingly went out & left us alone. And I
enjoyed every single minute!
He promised to call tomorrow (today)!
morning 11:15 a.m.
April 13, 1975
is great ... waking up on a Sunday morning and feeling wonderful. No
hangover, no depression, no guilt. Nothing but this nice sense of
pleasantness within me. My room is clean - I cleaned it until 3:00 this
morning - and I feel unbelievably cozy and pure and clean.
April 15, 1975
boy. Everything is incredibly, unbelievably confused.
Rick was acting kinda strange around me ... he walked me to a few
classes, but he seemed distant and a little worried about something.
During lunch he said, "Terri, can I have a talk with you alone
somewhere?" He told me that he's really super confused because he still
hasn't broken up with his girlfriend of six months, Jeannine. He said,
"I want to take both of you out, but I'm afraid you'll be
mad." I was really shook up, but I fed him this phony line,
"Why would I be mad?" and now he thinks everything is
cool. Which it isn't, of course.
April 20, 1975
days later. Ledger, I may be an idiot for writing all these things to
you, out in plain view of any wandering eye ... but honestly, I think
I'd go crazy if I didn't have you to turn to at times. You don't know
what a solace you can be.
relationship with Rick is moving at the speed of light. In a way I wish
things would slow down and mellow and become less rushed ... but
whenever I'm within ten feet of him I get so damned excited that
there's no controlling it. Why is it that way, I wonder? With some guys
you only feel mild interest, and with others something explodes inside
of you when he touches you. I was still trying to
figure out the whole chemistry thing.
night Rick spent the night with me. (He was too
drunk to drive.) I've never done anything like that before,
and it was risky and dangerous and terribly exciting because Dad was
sleeping in the next room, and I was scared to death that any minute he
would hear us and come walking in. We got away with it, though. Can you
believe it?? We didn't have
sex. He wanted to, he really did, and he tried his hardest to
talk me into it. I stuck to my guns and said "No," and when he saw that
I was serious, I think he respected my wishes. It was neat sleeping
with him, though ... literally sleeping.
He held me in his arms and I laid my head on his chest, and when I woke
up in the morning and saw him laying next to me the feeling in my heart
was inexpressible. I hope it's like that some morning when I wake up
and look at my husband laying beside me. Oh, I hope it is. Actually,
it's much, much better. We don't have to sleep with our
clothes on, for one thing.
called this afternoon, and he's going to pick me up tomorrow morning
and give me a ride to school. Good. I spent the whole day sleeping and
relaxing ... didn't even bother getting dressed. This weekend really
wiped me out.
hard to explain my relationship with Rick. Thursday afternoon, after
school, I was rummaging around in the hall closet looking for a
suitcase to take to the Convention, when he stopped by
unexpectedly. He had spent the whole afternoon working on his car and
had finally gotten it running: now he wanted to take me for a ride. I
grabbed a sweater and we drove down to Seahurst Park. The beach was
deserted, and we walked hand in hand along the edge of the water,
looking for shells and feeling the sand squishing under our shoes ... a
couple of times he pulled me to him and we stood there, locked
together, the smell of salt air and sea breeze all around us ...
remember about that afternoon: he criticized the
way I kissed. He kept asking me to "loosen up my
mouth." I remember I tried to be really cool and casual about
it, but I was secretly devastated by the criticism.
At that point I still didn't like French kissing, but it seemed to be
the only way boys wanted to kiss anymore, so I finally gave in and went
along with it.
Jeannine. I really feel bad about her. I mean, she and Rick had been
going together for six months, and she probably cares for him a lot. I
feel like "the other woman," and believe me, it's not the nicest
feeling in the world. Last night when he whispered to me, "Terri, let's
go to bed ... it'd be great!," I was absolutely torn in half. I shook
my head and said, "I can't - you belong to someone else." I was trying
to get him to admit his real feelings for me (and for Jeannine), but he
said "She doesn't care what I do. You know how I feel about you."
shook my head. "No. I don't."
told you on Tuesday after bowling!" he said.
you didn't," I said. "You just said you were ‘confused'."
was silent for a moment, and then he said, "Well, if I didn't like you,
do you think I'd follow you all around school, the way I do?"
April 21, 1975
day. I skipped 5th and 6th periods and came home early ... Phil gave me
a ride home. Dad is mowing the lawn, I'm sitting here in my room trying
to scrape up the energy to DO something (like clean my room, ha ha ha).
Rick was quiet today. He gave me a ride this morning, but other than
that I didn't see him the rest of the day. Crap. Maybe he's mad, maybe
he's depressed ... who knows?
go put on a show of energy.
April 22, 1975
holiday. I'm getting upset ... Rick didn't call me last night and
hasn't called me all day today, either. Crap. Maybe he's mad at me
about something ... or maybe he's been spending the time with his
precious Jeannine. Sure burns me up, though. Better go check on the
chocolate cake busily baking in the oven ... write a letter to Dee Dee.
never called. Am I surprised? YES! But I'm determined not to
let it get me down and destroy my whole world. It's dumb to let
all facets of my life hinge on a phone call from one idiotic guy. If he
wants to be an asshole, let him. That's his business. My horoscope (Dad
calls them "horrible-scopes") says that I'm going to be concerned with
emotions & love tomorrow, and that a Scorpio (Rick) will be in
the picture. Sure hope so.
April 23, 1975
feel like shit, to put it mildly. Dad is all over my back, Rick acts
like he hates me, I can't do a thing with my stupid hair, I can't stop
eating. Nothing is going right, and naturally Rick is at the root of my
bad mood. That asshole. Actually, I'm the
ass for letting him get me down like this, but what the hell, I might
as well blame someone else. I feel low enough as it is. He didn't come
and pick me up this morning, he avoided me all day at school, and he
didn't call tonight. I don't know what's going on in that screwy head
of his, but whatever it is I wish he'd let me in on it.
going to church tonight ... anything, anything to avoid moping. I've
got to find some way to put things back into their proper perspective.
someone in my head/But it's not me
April 24, 1975
quick word before bed. I don't think it would be unrealistic to say
that I'm too depressed to even write to you, Ledger ... because I am.
So I won't.
I'm not too depressed to write. I am
exhausted, though. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it.
Right after dinner I suddenly felt an engulfing wave of exhaustion that
has rendered me completely dead to the world. I feel absolutely devoid
of emotion or energy. A good night's sleep is what I need.
is an asshole. I wish I could think of a better word, but that just
about sums it up. He's taking Jeannine to the Prom. Goody for him.
Guess I've just been used again. Jesus, what is the matter with my
stupid head, anyway? I'm beginning to think I'm mentally retarded, or
insane ... or both.
is out in the living room watching the basketball game. I'm sitting
here in my ice-cold room (stomach pains), listening to the radio and
feeling like shit. Thank God that there are four people in this lousy,
stinking world who are still behind me: Rhonda, Phil, Dad and Grandma
Vert. Without them, I shudder to think. I'd be in the loony bin for
sure, pulling my fingernails out or talking to walls or something. See
night 7 p.m.
April 25, 1975
are still as swell as ever ... ha ha ha. I was too depressed to even go
to school today, and I feel absolutely cut-off from the world. No one
even knows I'm alive.
couldn't sleep last night. I kept having these frustrating dreams that
Rick came over and explained everything to me, and when I woke up and
realized I was only dreaming I felt like bashing my head through a
window or something. (Nothing drastic, ha ha). I got up at 8 a.m. and
rode my bike around for an hour. Cold, cloudy morning ... I'm about to
spend a couple hours cleaning up this pig sty of a bedroom. If Rhonda
can't get the booze, and if I end up sitting home alone
tonight -- ON PROM NIGHT, NO
LESS -- I think I'll totally lose my mind. The mere
thought of him dancing and having fun with another
girl is too much. Of course, they are
going together, and unfortunately she has more of a right to him than I
do ... but self-centered old me is still fuming with jealousy and
hatred and bitterness. It's not a hell of a lot of fun being the other
woman. Words to
night. I guess the most depressing thing a girl could have to endure
would be sitting home alone on Prom night. I feel absolutely crushed.
Why does life have to be so agonizingly lonely?
came over for a
couple hours this afternoon. Her beloved dog died last night. We sat in
my bedroom, listening to sad records and crying. We're both close to
hitting bottom. Rhonda hasn't called, so I guess I'm going to stay
home, remembering last Saturday night and feeling dismal. This ache
inside me won't go away, no matter how many times I tell myself that
1.) It's no big deal ... there's always Prom next year, 2.) Rick isn't
the only guy in the world, and 3.) I've got a lot of things
going for me. But it's no use, Ledger. Seventeen
years old and washed-up. Finished. Dried out and
decaying and dead.
called a few minutes ago and didn't say a word about going out tonight.
I guess that means I'm staying home along. My favorite sad song is
playing on the radio, my eyes are brimming with the tears that refused
to come before ... everything is utterly, hopelessly futile.
can't get it out of my head
No I can't get it out of my head
Now my whole world has gone so dead
‘Cause I can't get it out of my head ... "
April 27, 1975
horoscopes in both the P.I. and the Seattle Times say that today should
be a terrific day. Hmmmm. I'm in an unusually good frame of mind,
considering. Grandma just called and invited me to go to some
Mother-Daughter Banquet with her on May 9. That'll be a Friday night,
but I said "Sure." What the hell ... no one will ask me out that night,
anyway. It'll probably be the only thing I end up doing all weekend.
going to sing with the Youth Choir this afternoon. That should help
keep my mind off what's-his- name. Won't be all that exciting, but it
sure beats moping.
April 28, 1975
April 29, 1975
... if I ever want to get up tomorrow morning, I should say "good
night, world" and hit the sack ... but I've gotta write a word or two
first. It becomes addicting, writing in a journal.
said "bye bye" to Rick. Guess he and Jeannine
simply have too good a thing going. So what right do I have to lay
claim on him? Hope they're very happy together. As for me, I'm gonna
give it one more college try and stay single for a while ... long
enough to get Rick, Scott, Dean, etc. etc. completely out of my system
before I get tied up with anyone new. Just sit and wait.
Patiently. Wait for Mr. Right to come to me, instead of
spending all my
time and energy chasing after him.
If no one terrific appears on the
scene, then hell with it ... I'll stay single. It won't kill me.
Wednesday evening 8:13 p.m.
April 30, 1975
Day By Day
My horoscope for today told me to 'think optimistically.' Fat
lot of good
that did. I was in a semi-rotten mood all day long, snapping at
teachers and friends alike. Suddenly
school -- the academic side of it, that
is -- has become a very great pain in the ass. My
scholastic energies have fled. I sit in class and stare out the window,
thinking about summer and boys and assorted trivia. The
weather is hot, hot ... it drains me of all energy.
I feel dried up, withered, ready to blow away.
I wish I could find someone new, to help me forget about all the rotten
experiences I've had with guys this year. Someone good looking, and
funny, and attentive. Maybe I should place an ad in the paper.
Attractive, eligible junior girl looking for suitable boyfriend.
include a terrific body, stimulating mind, drivers license and access
to a car. All applicants must be
17 yrs. of age or older. Experience definitely necessary. Apply by
maybe I should stick to my original plan ... sitting it out, this
interminably long period of waiting, waiting, waiting for the perfect
guy to come knocking at my door. I have very little patience ... that's
night before bed
May 1, 1975
is here already. I can't, absolutely cannot believe it. This year has
gone by incredibly fast. SLOW DOWN, TIME!!!
more human today.
Lori and me are going to go out tomorrow night with a bottle of gin and
get ourselves snockered in honor of Rhonda's birthday.