April 20, 2001
Classified Information

 


 
HELP WANTED!

Now hiring!  We're looking for a qualified, reliable Receptionist/Administrative Support Person for our busy, fast-growing East Bay engineering firm. Immediate opening!
(We accidentally fired our receptionist last week, and our phone system has been on *Night Bell* for ten days now. Help.)

Become a member of the family in our busy, fast-paced corporate community!
(That's right: we're a FAMILY! A big, warm, loveable, happy-doodle family! And to prove it, we'll treat you like family: we'll laugh at you behind your back, we'll never ever remember your birthday, we'll always call you during the last five minutes of "Survivor" AND we'll get all pissy when you forget to clean up the kitchen at the end of the day!)

The ideal candidate is an energetic people-person, possessing good communication skills ...
(We have eighteen engineers in this office, and every fudking one of them is named "Bob." You have precisely ten minutes to learn to tell them all apart.)

... and is able to focus on multiple tasks simultaneously.
(Pop Quiz: all ten incoming lines are ringing at once ... Dyspeptic UPS Guy is twitchily waiting for a signature ... the copier is flashing a *Change My Toner NOW Or I Explode* error message ... and the President of the Company is trying to send a fax through the postage meter. Who do you ignore first?)

Experience in customer service helpful.
(Not that we actually have any "customers." Mostly we just run around and have *meetings* with each other, all day long. There's one going on right now in the Men's Room, as a matter of fact: you can tell by the puddle of blood seeping from beneath the door.)

Duties include greeting visitors/operating busy multi-line telephone system ...
(Here's how we would like you to answer the phone: "Good morning/good afternoon/good evening, Totem Pole Company -- we grease the wheels of transit, so YOU don't have to  -- this is Insert Your Name Here speaking. To which incredibly non-responsive department may I direct your call? (Or can I just hang up on you now and be done with it?)" 

(But at this point we'll probably settle for "Hello.")

... plus general office support, including word processing and data entry.
(We're gonna make you take a typing test -- a really difficult, nerve-wracking typing test, with lots of numbers and symbols and tricky formatting stuff that'll make you feel completely insecure and doubtful of your abilities -- but then when we hire you, the only thing we'll ever really ask you to type are fax cover letters. But we'll make you type them a minimum of forty-seven times apiece whilst we *experiment* with different font faces, Subject Headings and margin settings.)

Some degree of familiarity with the Internet is desirable.
(If our constipated little Accounting Manager walks in and finds you dinking around in the *Public Pee* Chat Room, you're history.)

Previous experience working in the engineering/transportation industry is a plus.
(Bonus points if you can explain what the fudk an Offset Barrier Type-Y Crossing With Signalized Crosswalk Indicator is.)

This is an entry-level position with growth potential.
(The next time we fire somebody, we're gonna force *you* to take the job. Ever antibacterialize a dwarf schleffera?)

Salary negotiable, with excellent benefits.
(Smart & Final Restaurante Blend OK with you?)

Only qualified, reliable candidates need apply.
(Qualified, reliable candidates with OVARIES, we mean.)

No calls please.
(That's because we accidentally fired our receptionist last week, and our phone system has been stuck on *Night Bell* for the past ten days. But you can fax us your resume if you want to ... as long as you send it to our postage meter.)



one year ago: appliance anarchy


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