hiring! We're looking for
a qualified, reliable Receptionist/Administrative Support Person for
our busy, fast-growing East Bay engineering firm. Immediate opening!
(We accidentally fired our receptionist last week, and our
system has been on *Night Bell* for ten days now. Help.)
a member of the family
in our busy, fast-paced corporate community!
we're a FAMILY! A big, warm, loveable, happy-doodle family! And to
prove it, we'll treat you like family: we'll laugh
behind your back, we'll never ever remember your birthday, we'll always
call you during the last five minutes of "Survivor" AND
get all pissy when you forget to clean up the kitchen at the end of the
ideal candidate is an
energetic people-person, possessing good communication skills ...
(We have eighteen engineers in this office, and every fudking
them is named "Bob." You have precisely ten minutes to learn
to tell them all apart.)
... and is able to focus on
multiple tasks simultaneously.
Quiz: all ten
incoming lines are ringing at once ... Dyspeptic UPS Guy is twitchily
waiting for a signature ... the copier is flashing a *Change My Toner
NOW Or I Explode* error message ... and
the President of the Company is trying to send a fax through the
postage meter. Who do you ignore first?)
(Not that we actually have any "customers." Mostly we just run
around and have *meetings* with each other,
There's one going on right now in the Men's Room, as a matter of fact:
you can tell by the puddle of blood seeping from beneath the door.)
visitors/operating busy multi-line telephone system ...
(Here's how we would like you to answer the phone:
morning/good afternoon/good evening, Totem Pole Company -- we grease
the wheels of transit, so YOU don't have to -- this is Insert
Your Name Here speaking. To which incredibly non-responsive department
may I direct your call? (Or can I just hang up on you now and be done
(But at this point we'll probably settle for "Hello.")
plus general office
support, including word processing and data entry.
(We're gonna make you take a typing test -- a really
difficult, nerve-wracking typing test, with lots of numbers and symbols
and tricky formatting stuff that'll make you feel completely insecure
and doubtful of your abilities -- but then when we hire you, the only
thing we'll ever really ask you to type are fax cover letters.
But we'll make you type them a minimum of forty-seven times
whilst we *experiment* with different font faces, Subject Headings and
degree of familiarity
with the Internet is desirable.
(If our constipated little Accounting Manager walks in and
dinking around in the *Public Pee* Chat Room, you're history.)
in the engineering/transportation industry is a plus.
you can explain what the fudk an Offset Barrier Type-Y Crossing With
Signalized Crosswalk Indicator is.)
is an entry-level
position with growth potential.
(The next time we fire somebody, we're gonna force *you* to
job. Ever antibacterialize a dwarf schleffera?)
Restaurante Blend OK with you?)
candidates need apply.
reliable candidates with OVARIES, we mean.)
accidentally fired our receptionist last week, and our phone system has
been stuck on *Night Bell* for the past ten days. But you can fax us
your resume if you want to ... as long as you send it to our postage