It's my party, and I'll act all cranky and self-absorbed if I want to.
... aka David.
Friend, riding partner, sobriety coach, husband. Pretty soon you'll
be dreaming about him, too.
Daughter #1... aka Jaymi.
It says "Jamie" on her birth certificate. (I should know: *I* was
Daughter #2 ... aka Kacie.
This is the Tot responsible for 99.9% of my
Son #Only ... aka Kyle.
Here's the other .1%.
He's the closest thing I've got to a neighborhood drug pusher these
My mom ... aka "Mom."
I still want to be just like her when I grow up.
My dad ... aka "Dad."
He's given me away twice already. We're all sort of hoping he doesn't
have to do it a third time.
Do you think he's over me yet?
Vince ... aka My Mother's Life Partner.
Look up the word "gentleman" in the dictionary and you'll see THIS
The Evil One. The Anti-Diva. Polluter of Airwaves. Defiler of
He never calls, he never writes, he blew off my wedding, and by now
he's probably thrown away that lock of hair I sent him in 1996 ... but
I still consider him the best friend I ever had.
"Secra," she used to say to me as she was
hair for school in the mornings, "If you want to GET
e-mail, you have to WRITE e-mail,
a lesson I've never forgotten.
Forty minutes of bike-riding with Bev
is totally worth
four hours of driving, an $80 motel room and possible pneumonia. Honestly. It is.
The World's Cutest Nephew.
His mom doesn't exactly suck, either.
Cranky Denver Lady.
She thinks that *FootNotes* is a bunch of sick, blasphemous,
self-indulgent garbage ... and she reads it every single day just to
make sure it stays
She took the photo
that started it
The Ex Files.
Former Significant Others (including The AH, The Doc, The
Balding Aluminum Sales Guy, The Oregon Boyfiend, ad nauseum). Once integral to the
plot development around here ... now relegated to
occasional cameo appearance whenever
another 'anniversary' rolls around.
The Happy Panda Toaster.
It cost an arm and a leg, it took up way too much counter space, it
made crappy toast ... plus it was getting more fan
*I* was. We had no choice but to kill
Earl Peterson, Michigan's Singing Cowboy.
In the words of the immortal Earl Peterson, Michigan's Singing Cowboy: "You're
so funny. WE'RE so funny. Life for us is one big CAPER."
**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES** BY:
* The FGOB
* Upstairs Neighbor Guy
* Jesus H. Christ
* Ludmilla, The Customer Satisfaction Facilitator at Ultra-Snooty
* The Main Nerdy Geotech Guy
* The Ugly Pink Stove
* Banal Boy
* Dad & Valerie
* The VP of BFD
* The Good Morning People
* Wanda Pike
* Roy Orbison [when he isn't busy being dead]
* The Office Gossip
* Hot Violet
* Car Alarm Guy
* Jeff Probst's dimples
* Grandpa Ted
* The Bad Angel Sitting on My Left Shoulder
* The King County Library System
* Master P Ghetto D
* Caspar Mouse
* Alice in Chains
* Lorenzo Lamas
* J.P. Patches
* Bob The Engineer Guy
* Bob The Other Engineer Guy
* Brevity Grrl
* Tone-Deaf Karaoke Girl
* Jill Sobule
* Sister Belle
* The Talking Birds ["We saw her VOMIT out the WINDOW,
* My new in-laws, Mr. & Mrs.
* Bitter Hag
* Go See France
* J.R.R. Tolkien
* Frank Lee Peking
* The Sunset Junior High School Pep Club Officers Staff, 1972-73
* Steve Rappaport (aka The Martian Hop Guy)
* OldeRocker & Ozarktalk
* My groovy Uncle Jerry
* My equally groovy Aunt Jody
* Clarence Trepanier
* Next-Door Neighbor Dog
* Alameda Pizza
* Amoeba Records
* Mr. Gallagher
* The Relatives Who Hate Me
* Bob "The Voice of a Generation" Dylan
* The Human Resources Director Person
* Htl Sales & Snak-Not-"Snake"-Bear
* Pere Ubu
* The Northern California Journalers
* The Constipated Little Accounting Manager
* Kevin Lanning
* Penelope Houston
* The Main Marketing Guy
* Mother Nature [the wedding-crashing bitch]
* Courtney Bombeck
and a cast of BAZILLIONS!