November 5, 2001
Live From The Blimpcam!


Quick! Turn on Monday Night Football!!

The Oakland Raiders are playing the Denver SomethingOrOthers, RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!

Yeah, OK, I know ... you're not a sports fan. Neither am I, really. (My pal Mizzle wanted me to watch the World Series last night and help her root for New York, but I had to tell her that I don't follow basketball. Sorry, Mizz.) That's not why I want you to turn on the football game, anyway. The reason I want you to turn it on is that every once in a while the Blimpcam goes wide and gives you a shot of the area immediately surrounding the Oakland Coliseum ... and if you look very, very, very closely -- sit right in front of the TV screen and look as hard as you can, OK? -- you can see my new office building!

Seriously!

It's that dark nondescript grayish-greenish-blackish building , just to the north (or is it the south? or the west?) of the main parking lot ... the big building with lots of windows, right next to all of the other dark nondescript grayish-greenish-blackish buildings with lots of windows.

See it?

No?

Let me think here for a second: what other landmarks can I give you? My building has a smallish parking lot in the front, and a larger parking lot in the rear. (Although that's probably not going to help you much because right now both parking lots are filled with RV's and tailgate picnic aftermath. After 2 p.m. or so, they opened our parking lots up to the general public, to accomodate Coliseum overflow: I had drunken Raiders fan urinating under my office window all afternoon.) There are four or five big aluminum warehouses across the street, and an automobile scrap yard, two or three doors down, right next to the big pile of abandoned railcars. Oh -- and there's a BART station, about half a mile away, just off the freeway.

Does any of this help?

It doesn't?

OK then. How about this: it's the building with the teeny-tiny Executive Ass standing in one window, waving at you.

Can you see her?

She's wearing her good gray skirt suit with the jungle-print blouse ... except that she's swapped out the suit jacket for her Ugly Emergency Sweater because something went wrong with the heating/cooling system in her building today, and the air conditioner has been set at "Arctic Tundra" since 2 p.m. She's got little dots of pink nail polish running up and down her legs -- opening big boxes of dirt is murder on pantyhose, she's discovered -- and she's got Band-Aids on every finger except her left little finger. But she's having a Good Hair Day, at least, and she's thankful for that. Small favors are small favors.

See her waving at you?

You'll probably notice that she's smiling. It's not much of a smile, maybe ... it looks a little wobbly and unpracticed ... but that's because she hasn't had a lot of reason to smile, the past week or so. Most of the misery she's endured lately has been her own invention, of course. Nobody forces you to carry a grudge or maintain a huff or sleep alone on the sofa. But she's trying really hard to snap out of it already: give her another day or two, and she'll be mostly back to normal.

What's that?

You don't see a teeny-tiny Executive Ass, waving at you from the window?

Well OF COURSE you don't! That's because she went home two hours ago, forcryingoutloud, and she's sitting at home now with her husband ... waiting for the chicken pizza to cook, checking her e-mail, rubbing a little Neosporin into the paper cuts, relaxing after a long day at The Dirt Company ...

... and most definitely NOT watching Monday Night Football.



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