November 11, 1998
Not Sleeping With The Enemy
Well. Have we all quite recovered from that last journal entry?? I know that *I* have.
Here's the thing. Writing that entry was the singularly most cleansing, healthy, necessary, anti-bacterial, sanity-making thing I've written since "Lies The Bottle Told Me." It was the cyber equivalent of squeezing a zit: you know you're not really supposed to do it ... you're afraid it's gonna hurt, and you're afraid you might be left with another ugly scar afterwards ... but you do it anyway, and you're thoroughly disgusted with yourself (yet oddly fascinated by the amount of STUFF that pops out). Afterwards you can pat a little Maybelline on the inflammation, and life goes on, and nobody really *sees* the scar but you. (Unless you point it out to the entire universe via your WEBSITE, forcryingoutloud.)
There is absolutely nothing I can say in my own defense here. I go back and read the chronology now, as I presented it to all of you, and I am absolutely stunned by the stupidity of it all ... by the amazingly tangled feats of duplicity involved ... by the fact that I didn't give three-quarters of a shit that I might be destroying two families ... by the fact that I went back to this loser, over and over and over and over again, for more abuse. Let's just say that sometimes I even surprise myself with this website.
(Ten weeks ago I would frantically be reaching for a beer right now. Instead, I stir the Sweet 'N Low into another cup of Fast Lane Tea ...)Here's the other thing. Simply coming to the realization that I was a factor -- a factor, mind you: I had a willing co-conspirator -- in the emotional annihilation of a lot of innocent people wasn't enough for me. Specifically: I have felt, in recent days, that I owed a huge apology to The Doc's wife.
So I wrote to her.Again, it was one of those tough terrible things you don't want to do, like getting a vaccination, or putting your poodle to sleep, or going out to lunch with the Temp Agency Rep ... but you do it anyway, because you know it's the right thing to do. I wrote to her and said, "I am sorry for all the hurt I've caused you the last three years." To my amazement and admiration, she wrote me back immediately. We have spent the past couple of days writing and "comparing notes" and working through a bizarre healing process neither of us could have ever expected.
SecraTerri: " <---- not The Enemy"Making amends with someone I horribly wronged, of course, is all a part of my DEVIOUS, CONNIVING plot to become a better person, and to get past a particularly shameful episode in my life ...
Doc's Wife: "<-- not the Psycho Wife from hell"
... and to clear the way for the new relationship I am entering ...... a relationship I haven't really talked about much on the website, mainly because
1. It's too new
2. It's too wonderful
3. I've been too busy
4. I don't want to ALARM any of my Dear Readers by actually appearing HAPPY ...
... but I promise I will write about it. Soon. Right after I come back from California. Again.