October 4, 1998
Lies The Bottle Told Me


1.  The Cheap-Chablis-and-Popcorn Diet is a great way to lose a bunch of weight in a hurry.

2. If you drink a little bit every single night, you avoid hangovers completely.

3. You can't be funny in a chat room unless you've been drinking.

4. Drinking beer out of a can is tres unchic: drink it out of a long-necked bottle, like a lady. (Better yet: have a martini. Better yet: have six or seven martinis. Just don't stick the olives on the ends of your fingers and wave them around in the air.)

5. Drink one glass of water for every eight ounces of alcohol  --  in fact, keep a pitcher of ice water under the desk, next to the box o'wine  --  and the hangover isn't so bad the next day because you're not so dehydrated.

6. You can't write anything funny or interesting or viable unless you've been drinking.

7. Alcoholism runs in the family, forcryingoutloud. Why try to avoid the unavoidable? It's your destiny. 

8. You have a really unpleasant phone call to make? A little bit of *liquid courage* will make it easier to call the phone company and beg for another one-week reprieve.

9. Music always sounds better when you've been drinking.

10. At least it isn't {cocaine/heroine/marijuana/airplane glue/insert drug of choice here}.

11. At least you're not driving while you're drinking anymore.

12. At least alcohol is legal. (Just watch out for "drunk and disorderly.")

13. If the check-out clerk gives you a funny look as you're buying a half case of Pale Ale AND a 3 liter box o'wine, you can smile cutely and say you're "having a party."

14. If someone mentions your bloodshot eyes, you can shrug cutely and say "Allergies." And then you can run down the hall to the Ladies Room with your bottle of Visine again.

15. Ten mg. of loperamide hydrochloride every morning is not excessive.

16. Mexican food? Gotta have a Margarita. Italian? Red wine!  Greek? Ouzo! Chinese? Whatever they've got!

17. Why in the world would ANYONE want to drink non-alcoholic beer?? What the hell is the point??

18. Plunking a few ice cubes in your glass of cheap chab waters it down just enough to keep you vertical for most of the evening.

19. You can't write an online journal entry without drinking.

20. At least you're not smoking anymore. You're 50% more virtuous.

21. If you black out and accidentally throw you hairdryer out your window, it's only because you drank on an empty stomach.

22. When you drink, you don't have that Walking Around In An Empty Airport Looking For Him dream. Or the Driving Over The Cliff In Slow Motion dream. Or the Dying Before We Get To See The Tots Again dream. Or any dreams, for that matter ... sleeping OR awake.

23. It's fun to make ridiculous phone calls when you're squiffed. ("Hello? Mr. Iverson? You may not remember me, but you were my sixth grade teacher ...")

24. Hot summer day? Gotta get out the blender and whip up a daiquiri or eleven. Cold snowy day? Dig out the tea kettle and whip up a batch of hot buttered rum. Raining? Spiced wine. Windy? Gin and tonics.

25. If they continually ask to see your I.D. at the grocery store, alcohol is obviously not doing any major damage to your looks.

26. Sex is always better when you're a little bit hungover. Everything is more sensitive then.

27. Switching from beer to cheap chab (and back again) every few weeks keeps you from getting too hooked on either.

28. At least you're not drinking in the mornings anymore. Algebra was always such a bitch when you were tanked.

29. Remember how cute Grandpa Vert looked at the dinner table every Thanksgiving? How his eyes sparkled, and his nose and cheeks turned pink, and he became very very animated and jolly? And remember how he used to let you and your brother and your cousins have a teeny tiny juice glass of port wine with dinner, to celebrate this warm family occasion? And remember when Cousin Chellaigne wrinkled up her nose and said "Yuck!" and you generously offered to help her finish her portion?

30. Alcohol isn't going to kill you, Terri. You're doing a good job of that all by yourself.

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