In A *Nutshell*
I posted this message for
the Notify List a few days ago, but someone
suggested I post it here as well. Hope it helps
explain this latest
fall from the radar:
Thanks to everyone who has written, either by e-mail or by dropping a
note in the guestbook. This has been a tough summer,
kinds-of-different ways, and I just haven't had
the juice to write about it publicly.
The problem, in a nutshell, is antidepressants. I started taking them
in June, right about the time I lost my job,
and I am officially quitting them this week. Yes, the meds stop me from
weeping over McDonald's commercials and long grocery store lines ...
but they do absolutely nothing for my ambition, my sense of personal
growth, my relationships, my energy level, my creative drive. (Read any
good *FootNotes* entries lately? Yeah, me neither.) In addition, there
are other weirder/ickier side effects to the drugs that I don't want to
talk about right now.
For the first three months of my impromptu summer vacation, I
around in my Happy Pants all day and all night, numbly watching DVDs on
my laptop. Eventually, two things happened:
1.) I calmed way the hell
2.) I started to run out of money.
Actually, three things
happened, and this is probably the most important thing of all:
began to realize that *calm* and *well* are not necessarily the same
With that said, I am now in the process of weaning myself off
most of the meds I was prescribed earlier this summer. I don't mind
telling you that the withdrawal process pretty much blows. But
it's a miserable I can live with. David's
here, and he's helping. My physician is helping me to find ways for me
to deal with my depression without
ADs, or maybe with a different, less-debilitating medication.
And in the meantime I'm
job-hunting out the wazoo, since:
REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK.
The happy ending to all of this is that I feel like I'm on the right
path after a very long summer of not even knowing how to get started.
Once in a while someone signs the guestbook and informs me that I'm
"obligated" to close down *FootNotes,* simply because I'm not writing
regularly. At first this pissed me off and/or hurt my feelings, but
days I just blow it off. I've been
writing in a journal for forty years, with occasional starts and stops
along the way. Some of it has been online, but the vast majority has
not. I expect that I will always come back online, in one form or
another ... but only when *I* am ready to. The people who love me
With all this said, I hope that you are all well and
happy out there in Audience Land. I've missed you. I've especially
worried about those of you affected by Hurricane Katrina, and have
followed your blogs and listened to the news for signs of your progress
recovery. I look forward to talking to all you on a regular basis again
very soon, through this website, and in the meantime please feel free
to drop me a note in my e-mailbox if you feel so inclined. You've
always been the fuel that keeps the *FootNotes* engine running, and I
thank you for that.
to throw a rock?